What I've learned about 15 year old boys:
1. They are dirty and smelly
2. They are extremely moody
3. They eat a TON. We went through a gallon of milk in two days.
4. They are naive to the world around them. But then again maybe as adults we are just tainted.
5. You really can't explain or reason with them or win any sort of debate because THEY ARE KNOW-IT-ALLS!
These are just a few of the observations I've had so far. And truly, the observations aren't all bad...I'm just pointing out some of the new ones.
But I'm struggling with an issue that I really don't know how to put into words. I think I'm still dumbstruck by the insanity of it. Pat and I are on the same page as far as human rights issues go. Aedan is being raised the same way although he obsessively stares at people who aren't as milky white as his mother. We're working on that! Let's just say it makes me a little uncomfortable and I feel like I have to apologize or something.
Without getting too deep into this topic there have been a few conversations with CTP that raise those little hairs on the back of my neck. I don't know if he's just joking in the way 15 year olds do or being serious. For example, I was watching SYTYCD last night and he made a comment that the male dancers were gay. Whaaaaat? I don't know where that's coming from and it's making me crazy! What is my role? How far can I go?
The environment that has been created in my home is one of understanding and love of all people (well, except people who hurt children). I don't give a flip what people do in their private life or who they love as long as they are being loved. Gay couples should have the same basic human rights as Pat and I do and I certainly don't care if a dancer is gay, straight, orange, or purple. Can they dance? Fantastic!
This is the hard stuff. This is nothing like hiding my pudding or making sure I have a robe on when I get out of the shower. I know what I would say to a friend or family member or my legislator. It's rough terrain with CTP because I'm concerned that what I say will cause problems for he and Pat and court and custody and support. So I step down from my box and lower my flag and hush up.
Reading to my Animals
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Reverting
Someone stole my puddin'...and my morning muffin! That someone was my stepson.
Petty much? Yes, my name is Sara.
In the previous post I said we'd ALL have to learn how to live together.
But that was MYYYYY puddin'! This is territorial Sara speaking.
I'm so lame.
Petty much? Yes, my name is Sara.
In the previous post I said we'd ALL have to learn how to live together.
But that was MYYYYY puddin'! This is territorial Sara speaking.
I'm so lame.
Monday, November 16, 2009
From a Family of 3 to 4 Overnight
I've blogged before about my rigid, routine ways before. People who know me know I am proprietary about my space. When something is about to change I need it to be done gradually and incrementally. Before bringing Aedan into the world I had a solid 9 months to prepare. That's a good amount of time.
I don't think I've ever used this blog to talk about my stepson other than a rant about his mother and no I won't tell you which post it was from. You'll have to dig for it so there.
CTP is 15 years old. He's a good kid - smart, funny, handsome. It's hard to believe I've know him for the last 12 years. He's sarcastic like his dad which drives me BONKERS! One Pat is manageable...two Pat's is enough to make you crazy and I just know there's a third one on the way named Aedan.
CTP hasn't ever lived with us. We've had the traditional paternal visitation schedule - every other weekend, one night for dinner. Definitely not the kind of schedule that allows for bonding between father and son. Truly, it sucks for dads and moms for that matter that get stuck with a schedule like that. But we've done what we've done for several years now.
Until now. CTP lives with us currently. His choice, well and the court ordered temporary change in visitation. We're trying it out. Seeing if it works. Making sure he's OK with it.
It's going to be a big adjustment for all of us. We're starting the second week and so far so good. It's crazy wonderful to see the bond that's growing between him and Aedan. Aedan's always loved CTP and I think he feels the same about Aedan. Now Aedan wakes up and "Tarrick" is nearly the first word out of his mouth. (The first word is "mommy" of course, duh.) Aedan climbs all over CTP, plays catch and just plain lights up when he enters the room.
Awesome.
There is nothing in the world like love. I love my husband, my family, my child - those are given. To witness unconditional love between siblings is simply beautiful.
So back to my territorial nature. It's hard getting used to him being there around the clock. There are things you can't do with a teenager in the house. There are things Pat and I can't do with a teenager in the house (snicker, snicker, sorry mom.). A lot more rule setting and rule enforcing. Heavens, there's a lot more carting around!
And, I'm still trying to sort out my role as stepmom...am I just the adult friend in the house, do I discipline? At the same time I need to stay consistent for Aedan.
We have roughly 2 years left before CTP goes off to college. TWO YEARS. It reminds me of someone that said, "You really only have 18 years with your children and then they're released into the world." God I hope that wasn't Kate from John and Kate plus 8. Did I really just quote her?
I'm hoping for Pat, Carrick's and Aedan's sake that the "temporary" becomes "official." Pat deserves a chance to get to know his oldest boy...Carrick deserves to know his father...Aedan needs to know and love his brother.
I don't think I've ever used this blog to talk about my stepson other than a rant about his mother and no I won't tell you which post it was from. You'll have to dig for it so there.
CTP is 15 years old. He's a good kid - smart, funny, handsome. It's hard to believe I've know him for the last 12 years. He's sarcastic like his dad which drives me BONKERS! One Pat is manageable...two Pat's is enough to make you crazy and I just know there's a third one on the way named Aedan.
CTP hasn't ever lived with us. We've had the traditional paternal visitation schedule - every other weekend, one night for dinner. Definitely not the kind of schedule that allows for bonding between father and son. Truly, it sucks for dads and moms for that matter that get stuck with a schedule like that. But we've done what we've done for several years now.
Until now. CTP lives with us currently. His choice, well and the court ordered temporary change in visitation. We're trying it out. Seeing if it works. Making sure he's OK with it.
It's going to be a big adjustment for all of us. We're starting the second week and so far so good. It's crazy wonderful to see the bond that's growing between him and Aedan. Aedan's always loved CTP and I think he feels the same about Aedan. Now Aedan wakes up and "Tarrick" is nearly the first word out of his mouth. (The first word is "mommy" of course, duh.) Aedan climbs all over CTP, plays catch and just plain lights up when he enters the room.
Awesome.
There is nothing in the world like love. I love my husband, my family, my child - those are given. To witness unconditional love between siblings is simply beautiful.
So back to my territorial nature. It's hard getting used to him being there around the clock. There are things you can't do with a teenager in the house. There are things Pat and I can't do with a teenager in the house (snicker, snicker, sorry mom.). A lot more rule setting and rule enforcing. Heavens, there's a lot more carting around!
And, I'm still trying to sort out my role as stepmom...am I just the adult friend in the house, do I discipline? At the same time I need to stay consistent for Aedan.
We have roughly 2 years left before CTP goes off to college. TWO YEARS. It reminds me of someone that said, "You really only have 18 years with your children and then they're released into the world." God I hope that wasn't Kate from John and Kate plus 8. Did I really just quote her?
I'm hoping for Pat, Carrick's and Aedan's sake that the "temporary" becomes "official." Pat deserves a chance to get to know his oldest boy...Carrick deserves to know his father...Aedan needs to know and love his brother.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
And we're back
Back from our final trip (hopefully) of the fall. Boy it's been a busy couple of months. Fun but busy.
Just wanted to brief everyone because I know you must be wondering how the flight to and from Texas went. To - fine, he was perfect. From - fine and perfect EXCEPT for the massive explosion of diarrhea as we were curbside checking our bags at the Austin Airport. Thank God my sister was with me because I couldn't have possibly dealt with the airline guy and the crap up the back of my 18 month old at the same time.
So there we stood: stripped down naked baby outside the airport. Sister grabbed naked baby while I nervously rummaged through my about to be checked bag for a clean shirt. Wipes were flying everywhere. I was freaking out. Aedan was crying. I was worried that I'd miss our flight. I need to work on the part where I freak out - it makes him nervous.
We managed to clean little boy up but not without the both of us smelling like the inside of a diaper genie. He soaked through a bit of his pants but the airline guy had already taken my checked bag. So we just dealt with it.
Made it safely to our gate and to our flight. About 15 minutes from landing in Detroit here it comes again. All mothers know that face - the far off distant look of a toddler...the stick straight stature...here comes the red face and sometimes grunt. I apologized to the guy sitting next to us - the pilot had just turned the fasten your seat belt light on so I couldn't change him. I imagined this brown cloud of crap smell filling the cabin and everyone staring at me. Thank goodness there was another kid sitting right behind us that the stench could be pinned on. Sorry kid.
Poor boy had been dealing with diarrhea for about two days of our trip. Now that we're home he's almost back on track. I'm afraid I've managed to convert this child to my crazy world of routine. Screw with the routine and you're messed up for the day, week or whatever. Flexibility is not my strong suit.
So here we are again. Happily home. Ready for Fall.
Just wanted to brief everyone because I know you must be wondering how the flight to and from Texas went. To - fine, he was perfect. From - fine and perfect EXCEPT for the massive explosion of diarrhea as we were curbside checking our bags at the Austin Airport. Thank God my sister was with me because I couldn't have possibly dealt with the airline guy and the crap up the back of my 18 month old at the same time.
So there we stood: stripped down naked baby outside the airport. Sister grabbed naked baby while I nervously rummaged through my about to be checked bag for a clean shirt. Wipes were flying everywhere. I was freaking out. Aedan was crying. I was worried that I'd miss our flight. I need to work on the part where I freak out - it makes him nervous.
We managed to clean little boy up but not without the both of us smelling like the inside of a diaper genie. He soaked through a bit of his pants but the airline guy had already taken my checked bag. So we just dealt with it.
Made it safely to our gate and to our flight. About 15 minutes from landing in Detroit here it comes again. All mothers know that face - the far off distant look of a toddler...the stick straight stature...here comes the red face and sometimes grunt. I apologized to the guy sitting next to us - the pilot had just turned the fasten your seat belt light on so I couldn't change him. I imagined this brown cloud of crap smell filling the cabin and everyone staring at me. Thank goodness there was another kid sitting right behind us that the stench could be pinned on. Sorry kid.
Poor boy had been dealing with diarrhea for about two days of our trip. Now that we're home he's almost back on track. I'm afraid I've managed to convert this child to my crazy world of routine. Screw with the routine and you're messed up for the day, week or whatever. Flexibility is not my strong suit.
So here we are again. Happily home. Ready for Fall.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Bad Mommy Blogger
I need to get myself on a blogging schedule to update this at least once a week. I don't dread writing...on the contrary, I often find it a little therapeutic much to my husband's dismay (read his comments about hijacking the boys blog). Blogging is free. Seeing a therapist is not.
We obviously survived the plane ride to NC last month. It was fine and Pat and I both retained our sanity. Travelers luck we do not have. Something always happens and if by chance it doesn't we find ourselves frozen in fear not knowing how to function. It makes us more resilient I say!
This particular trip, we arrived without a hitch and safely back to Elmira. Our luggage and CAR SEAT however did not make it. My mom was nice enough to drop my car off at the airport so we could easily drive home without making family or friends go out of their way to pick us up. But we didn't have a car seat. I hope the po po isn't reading this because Pat drove home while I nervously tried to keep Aedan seated in the back seat with me. Don't be fooled...17 month olds don't sit quietly in the back seat without being firmly strapped into a car seat. It was awful but we eventually arrived home safely.
The luggage made it home too at about 11pm.
It was a nice little weekend visiting with our NC family.
Aedan and I are about to embark on our 2nd solo flight - the 1st time he was 6 months old so really, all I needed to do was attach him to me and all would be well. This time, he's 18 months, I can't attach him anymore because, well, he's over that, and now all he wants to do is explore, on his own, away from me, and obviously not be confined in a small cabin flying half-way across the country. God bless the poor schlub who has the bad luck of sitting next to us. As usual I build myself up for the worst case only to make the reality seem a little lighter. Welcome to my brain now get out as fast as you can!
We're going to visit my sister in Texas and I am super excited to see her.
That's our life as of now. The fall is bringing all sorts of new adventures and beauty that Upstate NY has to offer. We went apple picking and to Farmland where little billy goats were nibbling on Aedan's hiney. In a few weeks we'll be going to Iron Kettle for our pumpkins, candied apples, apple pie and kettle corn! It's so much fun doing the things I remember doing as a kid. Whats more fun is experiencing them through little boy's eyes. He is amazed by the world...ladybugs, airplanes, rain falling, his pop-pop and Go Dogs Go books. I need to try and help him hold on to that amazement for as long as he can.
We obviously survived the plane ride to NC last month. It was fine and Pat and I both retained our sanity. Travelers luck we do not have. Something always happens and if by chance it doesn't we find ourselves frozen in fear not knowing how to function. It makes us more resilient I say!
This particular trip, we arrived without a hitch and safely back to Elmira. Our luggage and CAR SEAT however did not make it. My mom was nice enough to drop my car off at the airport so we could easily drive home without making family or friends go out of their way to pick us up. But we didn't have a car seat. I hope the po po isn't reading this because Pat drove home while I nervously tried to keep Aedan seated in the back seat with me. Don't be fooled...17 month olds don't sit quietly in the back seat without being firmly strapped into a car seat. It was awful but we eventually arrived home safely.
The luggage made it home too at about 11pm.
It was a nice little weekend visiting with our NC family.
Aedan and I are about to embark on our 2nd solo flight - the 1st time he was 6 months old so really, all I needed to do was attach him to me and all would be well. This time, he's 18 months, I can't attach him anymore because, well, he's over that, and now all he wants to do is explore, on his own, away from me, and obviously not be confined in a small cabin flying half-way across the country. God bless the poor schlub who has the bad luck of sitting next to us. As usual I build myself up for the worst case only to make the reality seem a little lighter. Welcome to my brain now get out as fast as you can!
We're going to visit my sister in Texas and I am super excited to see her.
That's our life as of now. The fall is bringing all sorts of new adventures and beauty that Upstate NY has to offer. We went apple picking and to Farmland where little billy goats were nibbling on Aedan's hiney. In a few weeks we'll be going to Iron Kettle for our pumpkins, candied apples, apple pie and kettle corn! It's so much fun doing the things I remember doing as a kid. Whats more fun is experiencing them through little boy's eyes. He is amazed by the world...ladybugs, airplanes, rain falling, his pop-pop and Go Dogs Go books. I need to try and help him hold on to that amazement for as long as he can.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Another Adventure
Last time I flew with Aedan he was only 7 months old. Tomorrow Pat, Aedan and I are flying to Wilmington, NC to visit family but this time Aedan isn't a sedentary 7 month old, he's a rambunctious and highly active, silly 17 month old!
We're both a little nervous about the flight. It'll be fine. I'm sure it'll be fine but I envision tantrums - the back arching kind that make you grind your teeth and smile attempting to make people believe that this kind of behavior is out of the ordinary for your kid when you know all along that making him sit for a full hour is just not logical. Ugh, I say!
I imagine trying to get though security with our jogging stroller and them not letting me gate check it.
I imagine our checked car seat getting lost somewhere between here and there.
I imagine the darn pack-n-play getting lost by FedEx Ground because ya know we had to ship it for 40 stinkin' bucks!
I've considered drugging him for the flight but that just doesn't seem right. I've got to deal with it sooner or later because in October I'll be flying with him BY MYSELF ALL THE WAY TO TEXAS! This adventure is like a preview of what I'll be doing in October. It'll be fine. He'll be fine. I just might lose my mind though.
I know what it's like flying on a plane with "that parent with the kid(s)." I used to get really annoyed at them and mumble to myself that I wish there were planes just for people with kids. I would count to ten to make myself not turn around and give the kid who's kicking the back of my seat with an evil eye. When I flew to Africa there was a kid probably about 10 sitting next to me who ended up needing the puke bag in the pocket of the seat as we were making our decent. I felt really bad for him of course but couldn't help to think WHY OH WHY do I always get stuck sitting somewhere in the vicinity of someone's kid nevertheless a puking kid? You know what happens when you're next to someone puking? You start to get the dry heaves sort of like in the movie Stand By Me but thankfully I didn't need my puke bag.
It's all come back to bite me in the ass. Doesn't it always? I always say, "Don't put something out in the world if you don't want it to come back to you!"
So between now and our flight I'll be trying to do everything I can to make this trip go as smooth as possible. Wish me luck. Wish me sanity.
We're both a little nervous about the flight. It'll be fine. I'm sure it'll be fine but I envision tantrums - the back arching kind that make you grind your teeth and smile attempting to make people believe that this kind of behavior is out of the ordinary for your kid when you know all along that making him sit for a full hour is just not logical. Ugh, I say!
I imagine trying to get though security with our jogging stroller and them not letting me gate check it.
I imagine our checked car seat getting lost somewhere between here and there.
I imagine the darn pack-n-play getting lost by FedEx Ground because ya know we had to ship it for 40 stinkin' bucks!
I've considered drugging him for the flight but that just doesn't seem right. I've got to deal with it sooner or later because in October I'll be flying with him BY MYSELF ALL THE WAY TO TEXAS! This adventure is like a preview of what I'll be doing in October. It'll be fine. He'll be fine. I just might lose my mind though.
I know what it's like flying on a plane with "that parent with the kid(s)." I used to get really annoyed at them and mumble to myself that I wish there were planes just for people with kids. I would count to ten to make myself not turn around and give the kid who's kicking the back of my seat with an evil eye. When I flew to Africa there was a kid probably about 10 sitting next to me who ended up needing the puke bag in the pocket of the seat as we were making our decent. I felt really bad for him of course but couldn't help to think WHY OH WHY do I always get stuck sitting somewhere in the vicinity of someone's kid nevertheless a puking kid? You know what happens when you're next to someone puking? You start to get the dry heaves sort of like in the movie Stand By Me but thankfully I didn't need my puke bag.
It's all come back to bite me in the ass. Doesn't it always? I always say, "Don't put something out in the world if you don't want it to come back to you!"
So between now and our flight I'll be trying to do everything I can to make this trip go as smooth as possible. Wish me luck. Wish me sanity.
Monday, August 24, 2009
I love it!
As I parked my car in front on "Yenny's" house, I walked around to get Aedan out. Before I unbuckled him I said, "Can Mommy have a goodbye kiss?" Not expecting him to do it, he leaned forward, open his mouth as wide as he could, and planted one slobbery kiss on me! My goodness!
That has got to be one of my favorite mommy moments. It magically melted the crappy start to the morning I was having.
That has got to be one of my favorite mommy moments. It magically melted the crappy start to the morning I was having.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
I can't believe it!
After 52 years of smoking my dad finally quit! I can't stinkin' believe it.
I've been disappointed by my dad about a gazillion times but I can honestly say I'm proud of him for doing this. And...for anyone who says they can't quit or it's too hard, come on now! He was 15 when he started and now he's 67, wore the patch for like 2 months and hasn't had a cigarette since January.
Unbelievable.
What's more...
I seriously need to work on my dad-issues because I no longer have the cigarette smoke as an excuse not to see him or to bring Aedan to his house. Now if he could only work on some of his other toxic issues all would be well.
A girl can wish.
I've been disappointed by my dad about a gazillion times but I can honestly say I'm proud of him for doing this. And...for anyone who says they can't quit or it's too hard, come on now! He was 15 when he started and now he's 67, wore the patch for like 2 months and hasn't had a cigarette since January.
Unbelievable.
What's more...
I seriously need to work on my dad-issues because I no longer have the cigarette smoke as an excuse not to see him or to bring Aedan to his house. Now if he could only work on some of his other toxic issues all would be well.
A girl can wish.
Monday, August 3, 2009
All DONE
Our two new favorite words but actually they're getting a little annoying. It's one of those things that can be sweet at first but when they're over said, annoying.
Little boy is so sweet but he's 'ALL DONE' with everything...breakfast, lunch, dinner, water, pooping (potty training should be a cinch!), and yesterday's latest: the Victoria Secret sales lady who was measuring my newly shrunken boobs! (This is for another day but I thought pregnancy and breastfeeding were supposed to increase my size not drop me down a full cup AFTER I was through breastfeeding! Perks of pregnancy? I think not!)
Yesterday little boy and I went to the mall since I had a free panty coupon for Victoria Secret. I thought I should probably get re-measured since I stopped breastfeeding. When the lady came over with her measuring tape Aedan started to look at her in terror and screamed "ALL DONE! ALL DONE! I was standing there looking down at him and for a split second thought he was going to swat the lady. Luckily he did not.
Then the dissapointing measurement. We left the store quickly but not before I could get my free pair of panties. I was ALL DONE!
Little boy is so sweet but he's 'ALL DONE' with everything...breakfast, lunch, dinner, water, pooping (potty training should be a cinch!), and yesterday's latest: the Victoria Secret sales lady who was measuring my newly shrunken boobs! (This is for another day but I thought pregnancy and breastfeeding were supposed to increase my size not drop me down a full cup AFTER I was through breastfeeding! Perks of pregnancy? I think not!)
Yesterday little boy and I went to the mall since I had a free panty coupon for Victoria Secret. I thought I should probably get re-measured since I stopped breastfeeding. When the lady came over with her measuring tape Aedan started to look at her in terror and screamed "ALL DONE! ALL DONE! I was standing there looking down at him and for a split second thought he was going to swat the lady. Luckily he did not.
Then the dissapointing measurement. We left the store quickly but not before I could get my free pair of panties. I was ALL DONE!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Water Fun
The last few weeks I've been taking Aedan to the pool. They've got this great little kiddy pool that slopes down gradually. The deepest the pool gets is probably 1 foot.
Each time we go Aedan gets in the water with a little trepidation at first then he warms up to it. He's got a swimming diaper on so hopefully he's not warming the water around him :-)
Anyway, they've got all sorts of pool toys...balls, boats, sand and water buckets. They've got this little tikes house so when he gets tired with the water he can go and play in the house. Lots of fun.
We usually go at times when there's not a whole lot of people there. Maybe just a few families or mom's rather with their little ones. We made it through two visits to the kiddy pool without an episode.
Third visit = episode.
What are you supposed to do when your 15 month old goes up to an infant and throws a ball in her face? I know he doesn't get that she can't play with him and that she probably doesn't want a nerf ball thrown at her. Thank God it was nerf! The mother just sort of looked at me like I was the worst mother in the world and with a questioning eye said why haven't I taught my son not to throw stuff at people! The nerve of me!
The thing is that he's 15 months old but seriously looks like he could be almost 3! I wanted to yell this at the other mother. My boy is almost 3 feet tall! He's a big kid. He's not just walking but running. He knows a ton of words. I was beside myself that he threw the ball at her and had that panicky feeling in my chest.
We went to the pool yesterday and I was hoping we were the only ones there. We weren't. There were two other little kids younger than Aedan I think but who knows with my giant 15 month old. The whole time we were there I was literally following his every move saying, no no Aedan, not too close. Throw the ball over here Aedan. Move away from the little girl.
It was exhausting for me and I don't think it was much fun for him.
We're "trying" to teach him manners and such - as much as you can at this age praying that what we say will stick. I just have one thing to say to all of you parents out there with small kids - watch out for my son (just kidding) - seriously - please let my kid be a kid even if he mistakenly throws a nerf ball at your kid. He just wants to play and doesn't understand proximity yet.
And, please don't give me your looks. It makes me feel like I'm a bad mom and then I just want to curse and beat you up.
Each time we go Aedan gets in the water with a little trepidation at first then he warms up to it. He's got a swimming diaper on so hopefully he's not warming the water around him :-)
Anyway, they've got all sorts of pool toys...balls, boats, sand and water buckets. They've got this little tikes house so when he gets tired with the water he can go and play in the house. Lots of fun.
We usually go at times when there's not a whole lot of people there. Maybe just a few families or mom's rather with their little ones. We made it through two visits to the kiddy pool without an episode.
Third visit = episode.
What are you supposed to do when your 15 month old goes up to an infant and throws a ball in her face? I know he doesn't get that she can't play with him and that she probably doesn't want a nerf ball thrown at her. Thank God it was nerf! The mother just sort of looked at me like I was the worst mother in the world and with a questioning eye said why haven't I taught my son not to throw stuff at people! The nerve of me!
The thing is that he's 15 months old but seriously looks like he could be almost 3! I wanted to yell this at the other mother. My boy is almost 3 feet tall! He's a big kid. He's not just walking but running. He knows a ton of words. I was beside myself that he threw the ball at her and had that panicky feeling in my chest.
We went to the pool yesterday and I was hoping we were the only ones there. We weren't. There were two other little kids younger than Aedan I think but who knows with my giant 15 month old. The whole time we were there I was literally following his every move saying, no no Aedan, not too close. Throw the ball over here Aedan. Move away from the little girl.
It was exhausting for me and I don't think it was much fun for him.
We're "trying" to teach him manners and such - as much as you can at this age praying that what we say will stick. I just have one thing to say to all of you parents out there with small kids - watch out for my son (just kidding) - seriously - please let my kid be a kid even if he mistakenly throws a nerf ball at your kid. He just wants to play and doesn't understand proximity yet.
And, please don't give me your looks. It makes me feel like I'm a bad mom and then I just want to curse and beat you up.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Curly tails
Did you know that on factory farms they snip the little curly pig tails off of baby pigs soon after they're born? They do this because they take piglets away from their mothers when they're still nursing (ten days old!) and throw them into a barn filled with hundreds of other piglets. Piglets still have the sucking reflex and want to nurse but they can't so they start to chew and suck the pig tail in front of them.
To avoid this, the farmers nipp the tail at the bud.
Awful. Just awful. I can't eat pork anymore.
To avoid this, the farmers nipp the tail at the bud.
Awful. Just awful. I can't eat pork anymore.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I declare!
I'm having a rummage sale Saturday and am NOT selling any of little boys, little boy clothes, bouncy chair, horsie swing, um, what else? NOT selling my breast pump, bottles, nursing bras, maternity clothes, or infant swing. NOT doing. not doing it. N-O-T doing it.
Just wanted to be clear.
Just wanted to be clear.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Mourning
Let me start off by saying we had another floater. I think he's doing it on purpose now. Ick!
Motherhood has seriously twisted my brain. Decisions made that I was pretty secure in and the ways I had defined my life have flip flopped and turned upside down. I've really been fine with it with the exception of a few emotional collapses. Thank God Pat is there to pick me up and bring me back to reality that my life really is good, we have a loving family, food in the fridge, jobs, health, etc. Those things are often hard to see when I'm in the middle of a serious, fetal position - my life sucks - I'm a horrible wife, mother, state of mind.
As it goes, another chapter has turned in my life as "mom." Aedan is officially weaned...I on the otherhand am not weaned.
Nursing was one of those things I was positive would not be something I even cared to try. The thought of me nursing grossed me out. I was totally fine with other women who chose it but I wasn't going to. Once I got pregnant it all changed. As soon as the nurse handed him to me I started nursing, he latched right on, all was good. It became our private time, our time to be close and quiet. I wasn't one of the moms who nursed in public. I escaped to my room upstairs, nursed and watched little boy drift...I'd eventually drift too. It was a very peaceful time when I could just look down on this beautiful little boy and think just how awesome the experience of becoming a mother has been and how it simply is unimaginable not to have him with us. I would soak in the sweet splendor of his smell.
Over the last few weeks he could take it or leave it. I needed to get the hint: He's just not that in to you. It's not like I forced him to nurse. I stuck to our morning and evening routine but the time spent became shorter and shorter. I resisted the (subtle) pressure I had been getting from some family and friends...the questions about when I was going to stop. I would always respond, when he's ready. I forged ahead.
Last weekend we departed from our morning routine and he was fine as expected. He drank milk from his sippy cup and ate cheerios with me on the couch while watching Sesame Street. It was fun. He giggled everytime Elmo showed up on the screen or was that Elmo's cousin? (New task: learn Sesame Street characters.)
I had a lovely dinner out with friends last night. Pat was in charge of getting Aedan down. I realize that he's also started a new chapter. The night time routine of bed, book and bath is not only mine but can be shared between mom and dad. It's his turn to enjoy a slice of the quiet, peaceful alone time I've had with Aedan over the last 416 nights (+,-).
It's bitter sweet. I have a little more freedom without (some of) the worry about whether he's in bed sleeping or running around like a lunatic looking for me. On the other hand, when I got home, a piece of me wanted to know he was difficult, screaming bloody murder and calling out my name.
He wasn't. He was calm. He let Pat rock him a little and then he was ready for his bed.
It reminds me that our children are only ours for a very short time. Time is going by and it makes me a little sad.
Motherhood has seriously twisted my brain. Decisions made that I was pretty secure in and the ways I had defined my life have flip flopped and turned upside down. I've really been fine with it with the exception of a few emotional collapses. Thank God Pat is there to pick me up and bring me back to reality that my life really is good, we have a loving family, food in the fridge, jobs, health, etc. Those things are often hard to see when I'm in the middle of a serious, fetal position - my life sucks - I'm a horrible wife, mother, state of mind.
As it goes, another chapter has turned in my life as "mom." Aedan is officially weaned...I on the otherhand am not weaned.
Nursing was one of those things I was positive would not be something I even cared to try. The thought of me nursing grossed me out. I was totally fine with other women who chose it but I wasn't going to. Once I got pregnant it all changed. As soon as the nurse handed him to me I started nursing, he latched right on, all was good. It became our private time, our time to be close and quiet. I wasn't one of the moms who nursed in public. I escaped to my room upstairs, nursed and watched little boy drift...I'd eventually drift too. It was a very peaceful time when I could just look down on this beautiful little boy and think just how awesome the experience of becoming a mother has been and how it simply is unimaginable not to have him with us. I would soak in the sweet splendor of his smell.
Over the last few weeks he could take it or leave it. I needed to get the hint: He's just not that in to you. It's not like I forced him to nurse. I stuck to our morning and evening routine but the time spent became shorter and shorter. I resisted the (subtle) pressure I had been getting from some family and friends...the questions about when I was going to stop. I would always respond, when he's ready. I forged ahead.
Last weekend we departed from our morning routine and he was fine as expected. He drank milk from his sippy cup and ate cheerios with me on the couch while watching Sesame Street. It was fun. He giggled everytime Elmo showed up on the screen or was that Elmo's cousin? (New task: learn Sesame Street characters.)
I had a lovely dinner out with friends last night. Pat was in charge of getting Aedan down. I realize that he's also started a new chapter. The night time routine of bed, book and bath is not only mine but can be shared between mom and dad. It's his turn to enjoy a slice of the quiet, peaceful alone time I've had with Aedan over the last 416 nights (+,-).
It's bitter sweet. I have a little more freedom without (some of) the worry about whether he's in bed sleeping or running around like a lunatic looking for me. On the other hand, when I got home, a piece of me wanted to know he was difficult, screaming bloody murder and calling out my name.
He wasn't. He was calm. He let Pat rock him a little and then he was ready for his bed.
It reminds me that our children are only ours for a very short time. Time is going by and it makes me a little sad.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Beware of the Floater
Ahh bathtime. We give the little boy a bath every other night, sometimes every night depending on how dirty he's gotten that day. For fourteen months it's been the same routine: go upstairs, take clothes and diaper off, let Aedan run around naked acting silly, run bath, put all of tub toys in tub, grab towel and wash cloth, put Aedan in tub. Let the cleaning and playing commense. After a few minutes of playtime and splashing we're done. Ready for bed.
Being a creature of habit as I am this really is how every other night when there's a bath involved goes. I know, I'm pretty boring.
Last night a HUGE wrench was thrown into the program. It's called a floater! I've heard about other kids doing this but so far we've been lucky. I mean, we haven't escaped the golden shower in and outside of the tub but that's been ok. I've dealt with it.
(GRAPHIC)
As I was getting ready to take Aedan out of the tub, all of a sudden, two brown poops came floating by me. He was standing in the tub and they just dropped out! I understand that at this age he doesn't have control but I freaked. It was disgusting!!! I yelled for Pat who didn't respond. I yelled again, no response. I YELLED for a third time and finally got a "what?" "Bring me paper towels and a plastic bag," I yelled. Meanwhile Aedan was giggling but as I was bending over the tub trying to keep him out of the minefield of shitake, I kind of freaked him out. It was so gross.
I drained the tub handed over the boy who barely escaped the poo to Pat. As I was cleaning fecal matter out of the tub I couldn't help to think that this is what my life has come down to: scrubbing shitake out of the very thing that is supposed to make us clean. My life really has changed. It was a very humbling moment. A very gross moment but humbling all the same.
Being a creature of habit as I am this really is how every other night when there's a bath involved goes. I know, I'm pretty boring.
Last night a HUGE wrench was thrown into the program. It's called a floater! I've heard about other kids doing this but so far we've been lucky. I mean, we haven't escaped the golden shower in and outside of the tub but that's been ok. I've dealt with it.
(GRAPHIC)
As I was getting ready to take Aedan out of the tub, all of a sudden, two brown poops came floating by me. He was standing in the tub and they just dropped out! I understand that at this age he doesn't have control but I freaked. It was disgusting!!! I yelled for Pat who didn't respond. I yelled again, no response. I YELLED for a third time and finally got a "what?" "Bring me paper towels and a plastic bag," I yelled. Meanwhile Aedan was giggling but as I was bending over the tub trying to keep him out of the minefield of shitake, I kind of freaked him out. It was so gross.
I drained the tub handed over the boy who barely escaped the poo to Pat. As I was cleaning fecal matter out of the tub I couldn't help to think that this is what my life has come down to: scrubbing shitake out of the very thing that is supposed to make us clean. My life really has changed. It was a very humbling moment. A very gross moment but humbling all the same.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Kate?
Pat and Carrick said that my new haircut makes me look like Kate Gosslin! I'm not sure what to make of this.
If they had said it a year ago I wouldn't have made a big deal of it (in my head). But now, now that Kate has really done of the deep end and the foundation of the show has turned from a glimpse into every day life with eight kids to an over-the-top look at how a TV show has turned a Pennsylvania family into money makers and mean-spirited people maker and into product placement galore, my reaction to the comment has me wanting to chop off my already short cropped hair!!!
Why don't people get it? You simply CANNOT make any kind of comment about a woman's hair unless it is, "Honey...you are so cute, so beautiful! I didn't think you could look any more beautiful but this haircut is perfect for you!" It's a pretty easy thing to do in my mind.
Needless to say, any snarl of my lip, request without a "please" or snarky remark got me the "Now you really do look like Kate Gosslin!" Arg!
If they had said it a year ago I wouldn't have made a big deal of it (in my head). But now, now that Kate has really done of the deep end and the foundation of the show has turned from a glimpse into every day life with eight kids to an over-the-top look at how a TV show has turned a Pennsylvania family into money makers and mean-spirited people maker and into product placement galore, my reaction to the comment has me wanting to chop off my already short cropped hair!!!
Why don't people get it? You simply CANNOT make any kind of comment about a woman's hair unless it is, "Honey...you are so cute, so beautiful! I didn't think you could look any more beautiful but this haircut is perfect for you!" It's a pretty easy thing to do in my mind.
Needless to say, any snarl of my lip, request without a "please" or snarky remark got me the "Now you really do look like Kate Gosslin!" Arg!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
not too much
I feel like to should be writing something...something profound...something deep...something awesome but the words aren't there. I don't want to force them to come because then they won't be real but full of empty meaning. I'm tired. My husband hears it from me all of the time. Seems like no matter how much sleep I get I'm still tired. blah blah blah. I think I need to eat more greens.
On the other hand Aedan IS awesome - a truly magical gift that makes me smile even on my most tired of days. Last night we feel asleep together when I was nursing him at 7:30 pm! That was funny. I'm glad my stepson didn't walk in the room to see that. He'd be ruined for life, I'm sure!
Speaking of my stepson...that's a topic I can write about. He's 15 and lately Pat's said like 4 or 5 times that the conversation he's going to have with Aedan (once he's old enough) about CTP and why he's only at our house every other weekend is going to be awkward. I told Pat that he simply needs to tell Aedan that in his (Pat) younger days he was a "playa!" But seriously, that will be a toughie - how do you explain to your son that he and his brother have two different mothers but the same father? Now if it were me talking to Aedan about (and I'm certain everyone will be better if I don't) I would have to say, "Aedan - your dad, while he is oh so smart, was very, very dumb when he was younger, and one day, because he was so dumb he met this ugly, horrible person who, with her wicked, wicked ways, slipped a roofie in his drink. Daddy had no idea what happened to him but then 9 months later CTP was here. We're all very happy that CTP is here but that wicked, ugly, mean other person who shall never be named only lives like 2 blocks away." See, I would be no good at that conversation. You'd think that after almost 11 years I'd be over this. Um, not so much. God help me to be over this.
I'm assuming (ass=me) by the time that conversation needs to happen Aedan will probably have friends with similar family dynamics. Maybe it won't be so strange. Who knows. All I know is that when CTP comes to our house Aedan's face lights up like the carnival just came to town!
We were really worried about the age difference between the two of them but I think it's working...for now anyway. Love is love no matter how many years are spaced in between. He's a great older brother to Aedan. He does all of the things he should do - makes goofy faces, kicks the soccer ball around, plays on the floor, sticks his tongue out to get Aedan to do it back, etc.
Love is nice.
On the other hand Aedan IS awesome - a truly magical gift that makes me smile even on my most tired of days. Last night we feel asleep together when I was nursing him at 7:30 pm! That was funny. I'm glad my stepson didn't walk in the room to see that. He'd be ruined for life, I'm sure!
Speaking of my stepson...that's a topic I can write about. He's 15 and lately Pat's said like 4 or 5 times that the conversation he's going to have with Aedan (once he's old enough) about CTP and why he's only at our house every other weekend is going to be awkward. I told Pat that he simply needs to tell Aedan that in his (Pat) younger days he was a "playa!" But seriously, that will be a toughie - how do you explain to your son that he and his brother have two different mothers but the same father? Now if it were me talking to Aedan about (and I'm certain everyone will be better if I don't) I would have to say, "Aedan - your dad, while he is oh so smart, was very, very dumb when he was younger, and one day, because he was so dumb he met this ugly, horrible person who, with her wicked, wicked ways, slipped a roofie in his drink. Daddy had no idea what happened to him but then 9 months later CTP was here. We're all very happy that CTP is here but that wicked, ugly, mean other person who shall never be named only lives like 2 blocks away." See, I would be no good at that conversation. You'd think that after almost 11 years I'd be over this. Um, not so much. God help me to be over this.
I'm assuming (ass=me) by the time that conversation needs to happen Aedan will probably have friends with similar family dynamics. Maybe it won't be so strange. Who knows. All I know is that when CTP comes to our house Aedan's face lights up like the carnival just came to town!
We were really worried about the age difference between the two of them but I think it's working...for now anyway. Love is love no matter how many years are spaced in between. He's a great older brother to Aedan. He does all of the things he should do - makes goofy faces, kicks the soccer ball around, plays on the floor, sticks his tongue out to get Aedan to do it back, etc.
Love is nice.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Longing for the Sick Days
Not really. I truly do not wish sickness on our little one. We are five days post-hospital visit and raging fever and I'm happy to say that Aedan is back to acting like a "normal" 14 month old. Thank goodness!
However, we couldn't help to think last night as we were
- closing the bathroom door for the tenth time (so he couldn't play in the toilet water) or,
- putting the tupperware back into the cupboard at the end of the night or,
- putting the cat food bowl out of hands reach or,
- closing the tub that contains the dog food (b/c he thoroughly enjoys grabbing hand fulls of dog food and throwing it to Bailey) or,
- turning the garbage can towards the wall (so he wouldn't throw garbage on the floor, feed the dog, or eat it himself),
that, in a small space of our hearts we wanted the hours of snot-filled cuddle time and sweet kisses back (minus the fever). There certainly are more "ors" but I'm making myself tired typing them because tonight is a new night afterall and we're going to do it all over again!
Oh sweet boy whatever did I do with my free time before you arrived?
However, we couldn't help to think last night as we were
- closing the bathroom door for the tenth time (so he couldn't play in the toilet water) or,
- putting the tupperware back into the cupboard at the end of the night or,
- putting the cat food bowl out of hands reach or,
- closing the tub that contains the dog food (b/c he thoroughly enjoys grabbing hand fulls of dog food and throwing it to Bailey) or,
- turning the garbage can towards the wall (so he wouldn't throw garbage on the floor, feed the dog, or eat it himself),
that, in a small space of our hearts we wanted the hours of snot-filled cuddle time and sweet kisses back (minus the fever). There certainly are more "ors" but I'm making myself tired typing them because tonight is a new night afterall and we're going to do it all over again!
Oh sweet boy whatever did I do with my free time before you arrived?
Sunday, May 31, 2009
ER
No, not the tv show. We made our first trip to the hospital last night with little boy at about 10:00 pm. I really thought my days of visiting that section of the hospital at that time of night had passed by when I left my job at Rape Crisis. I've always felt strange being in a hospital at that time of night. Even stranger are the other people in a hospital at that time of night. But I guess I can't judge them anymore since we were one of the strangers.
Aedan was running a high temp all day Sunday. We took him to see the doctor Sunday morning to be told he had a virus of some sort and to treat him with Motrin or Tylenol. Ok, we can do that. All day long he was a sad little boy, clingling tightly and looking so sad with dark circles under his eyes.
At about 9pm after trying to get him to go to sleep he was so hot that it felt like his touch might burn us. We took his temperature again and it was a whopping 105.3! Time to call the doctor who then called us back and sent us to the ER.
Pat let Aedan and I off at the front door while he parked the car. We sat down and a weird looking guy looked right at me and said, "Does he have diarrhea?" What? No. Not hello. Not hi. A question about diarrhea! Do I know you? Then he said, "well there's a nasty virus going around." Ok thanks, weird guy in the ER!
So then we checked in. The nurse who "helped" us acted like she couldn't be bothered. Aedan was screaming. The bitchy nurse asked a few questions, told us to go sit down and left. Thanks. urgg!
When we finally saw the doctor Aedan's temperature had gone down quite a bit to 102. He's got an upper respiratory virus. Again, there's nothing that can be done for it except Tylenol and Motrin around the clock to keep his fever down which will then keep his head from exploding. It's an awful feeling knowing that we can't do anything to "fix" him. I guess the only good thing about the visit last night was that it didn't really take too long and the doctor on-call was pretty nice.
After a night of no sleep for Pat, Aedan and I, he's now peacefully spooning Pat on the couch trying to make up for some lost zzz's. So cute.
Aedan was running a high temp all day Sunday. We took him to see the doctor Sunday morning to be told he had a virus of some sort and to treat him with Motrin or Tylenol. Ok, we can do that. All day long he was a sad little boy, clingling tightly and looking so sad with dark circles under his eyes.
At about 9pm after trying to get him to go to sleep he was so hot that it felt like his touch might burn us. We took his temperature again and it was a whopping 105.3! Time to call the doctor who then called us back and sent us to the ER.
Pat let Aedan and I off at the front door while he parked the car. We sat down and a weird looking guy looked right at me and said, "Does he have diarrhea?" What? No. Not hello. Not hi. A question about diarrhea! Do I know you? Then he said, "well there's a nasty virus going around." Ok thanks, weird guy in the ER!
So then we checked in. The nurse who "helped" us acted like she couldn't be bothered. Aedan was screaming. The bitchy nurse asked a few questions, told us to go sit down and left. Thanks. urgg!
When we finally saw the doctor Aedan's temperature had gone down quite a bit to 102. He's got an upper respiratory virus. Again, there's nothing that can be done for it except Tylenol and Motrin around the clock to keep his fever down which will then keep his head from exploding. It's an awful feeling knowing that we can't do anything to "fix" him. I guess the only good thing about the visit last night was that it didn't really take too long and the doctor on-call was pretty nice.
After a night of no sleep for Pat, Aedan and I, he's now peacefully spooning Pat on the couch trying to make up for some lost zzz's. So cute.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
One Year Post Baby Doc Appointment
My one year annual check-up was yesterday. I was feeling fine about it- I had a list of questions I needed answering. Most importantly, how I can I "fix" my slightly herniated belly button back into the lovely inny it once was. No luck until it causes me pain. I've also got diastis abdominals - basically means you can fit a figure width between my abs. Kinda gross.
I was lucky to have my fave midwife do the exam, Hope. She's a cute, short and full little lady with a THICK latin-american accent. I think she might be from the Domincan but I'm not sure. Anyway, it was nice to see her. She walked in with chart in hand. First thing she said, "WOW, you lost ALL of your baby weight plus some!" See why I love her? Give a girl a compliment about how skinny she is and you'll be her friend for life! (superficial - whatever!)
As I sat there with my scratchy paper dress in the cold, cold exam room, my mind wandered back to the last gazillion times I sat in that room. I looked up at the wall at all of the posters that show fetal development. I remember Pat being squeezed into the tiny room sitting in a chair and how he came to nearly every one of our appointments. I remembered the first time we saw our little human on the ultrasound. I used to concentrate really hard on the particular stage I was in each time I went for a check-up. I'd imagine little boy swimming around or kicking me. Now that little boy is 13 months old with more spirit and joy than I thought was possible.
I really thought I'd get the shakes from entering that office again. I'm dramatic folks. I had a pretty easy pregnancy as pregnancies go. Not much went wrong. But pregnancy is hard work and parenting even harder. I guess before my feet entered the office threshold I thought I was hitting for the "no more babies" team but then as I was sitting there I found myself inching towards the "maybe reconsider" team.
I know I can't base a MAJOR life decision on one moment or experience in time. But what I did realize is that my commitment to not having anymore kids isn't a commitment at all and that camping out it in the "maybe" territory for awhile doesn't have to be a deal breaker.
I was lucky to have my fave midwife do the exam, Hope. She's a cute, short and full little lady with a THICK latin-american accent. I think she might be from the Domincan but I'm not sure. Anyway, it was nice to see her. She walked in with chart in hand. First thing she said, "WOW, you lost ALL of your baby weight plus some!" See why I love her? Give a girl a compliment about how skinny she is and you'll be her friend for life! (superficial - whatever!)
As I sat there with my scratchy paper dress in the cold, cold exam room, my mind wandered back to the last gazillion times I sat in that room. I looked up at the wall at all of the posters that show fetal development. I remember Pat being squeezed into the tiny room sitting in a chair and how he came to nearly every one of our appointments. I remembered the first time we saw our little human on the ultrasound. I used to concentrate really hard on the particular stage I was in each time I went for a check-up. I'd imagine little boy swimming around or kicking me. Now that little boy is 13 months old with more spirit and joy than I thought was possible.
I really thought I'd get the shakes from entering that office again. I'm dramatic folks. I had a pretty easy pregnancy as pregnancies go. Not much went wrong. But pregnancy is hard work and parenting even harder. I guess before my feet entered the office threshold I thought I was hitting for the "no more babies" team but then as I was sitting there I found myself inching towards the "maybe reconsider" team.
I know I can't base a MAJOR life decision on one moment or experience in time. But what I did realize is that my commitment to not having anymore kids isn't a commitment at all and that camping out it in the "maybe" territory for awhile doesn't have to be a deal breaker.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Potential
Clearly I've hijacked this blog for my own purposes. Mostly, it's out of not wanting to start another blog. I'll try to keep my posts as balanced as possible with updates about the every changing little human in my life and my own search for balance and growth as a mother, woman, wife, daughter, person. The end.
Ok -new post.
This is for someone in particular. I will not name names. You know who you are. This is what Aedan would say to you if he could say more than dadda, momma, banana, vroom, all done, juice, fish, doggy, kitty, all done, nanana (with finger usually pointing at me).
Aedan would say:
Make me proud. Go forward. Trust yourself. Fullfill your dreams. Grab the destiny that has been laid out before you. Complete the plan for your life. Take a chance. You will succeed. I will be ok. Ignore naysayers - they're pretty dumb anyway. Learn transcendental meditation. And, for the love of pete stop talking to people who make you feel bad about yourself.
Ok, now I'd like some juice.
Ok -new post.
This is for someone in particular. I will not name names. You know who you are. This is what Aedan would say to you if he could say more than dadda, momma, banana, vroom, all done, juice, fish, doggy, kitty, all done, nanana (with finger usually pointing at me).
Aedan would say:
Make me proud. Go forward. Trust yourself. Fullfill your dreams. Grab the destiny that has been laid out before you. Complete the plan for your life. Take a chance. You will succeed. I will be ok. Ignore naysayers - they're pretty dumb anyway. Learn transcendental meditation. And, for the love of pete stop talking to people who make you feel bad about yourself.
Ok, now I'd like some juice.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Opened Can of Worms
My last post. I fear I opened a can of worms. Friends and family have asked me if everything's ok or have told me that they've gone through similar things. It's a nice thing for people to be concerned with my mental well being. It's also comforting to know that others have been down my same path before.
It's been about a week since that post. I'm still feeling the same way but now I have this nagging, tugging feeling...almost like a homework assignment that I keep putting off until the last minute. I know I should get started but I don't have the motivation to start. Or, maybe I just don't know where to start.
I'm tired of reading self-help type books in part because I'm not really sure what kind of help I need. Another part of not reading the books is because they end up drudging up way more stuff about myself then I'm capable of handling at the moment. I also have a tendancy to over relate to issues people have going on in their own lives. I took a class in college called Chronic and Communicable Diseases - after each disease we studied I was certain I had it on some level. You see what I mean? I guess I feel like that if I read anything more then I will either, a. come out with a longer list of issues than what I started with, and/or b. I will become overwelmed by the identification of all of the issues I never knew I had.
I'd like to find a way to work on this in baby steps. I'd like to go deeper within myself and really focus on the "me" that is under construction. I'd like to meet and be my genuine self - someone that doesn't constantly feel the need to live up to anyone elses standards except for her own , say the right things, and be the "yes" girl all of the time.
I have strong desire to revisit the person I was when I was 10. That seemed like a really good age before things really became mucked up by dysfunction.
I apparently also need to start a different blog - those of you hoping for an Aedan up date got this instead. Sorry. I don't really want two different blogs.
It's been about a week since that post. I'm still feeling the same way but now I have this nagging, tugging feeling...almost like a homework assignment that I keep putting off until the last minute. I know I should get started but I don't have the motivation to start. Or, maybe I just don't know where to start.
I'm tired of reading self-help type books in part because I'm not really sure what kind of help I need. Another part of not reading the books is because they end up drudging up way more stuff about myself then I'm capable of handling at the moment. I also have a tendancy to over relate to issues people have going on in their own lives. I took a class in college called Chronic and Communicable Diseases - after each disease we studied I was certain I had it on some level. You see what I mean? I guess I feel like that if I read anything more then I will either, a. come out with a longer list of issues than what I started with, and/or b. I will become overwelmed by the identification of all of the issues I never knew I had.
I'd like to find a way to work on this in baby steps. I'd like to go deeper within myself and really focus on the "me" that is under construction. I'd like to meet and be my genuine self - someone that doesn't constantly feel the need to live up to anyone elses standards except for her own , say the right things, and be the "yes" girl all of the time.
I have strong desire to revisit the person I was when I was 10. That seemed like a really good age before things really became mucked up by dysfunction.
I apparently also need to start a different blog - those of you hoping for an Aedan up date got this instead. Sorry. I don't really want two different blogs.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Somethings been bugging me...
I feel like I've lost something this past year. I'm not sure what it is. I think I chalked it up to being pregnant, then a new mom, then a working mom, then finding my groove. I think I've got the hang of parenting at the moment until little boy throws another curve ball at me. I'm constantly learning.
It's this other nagging feeling that I'm getting. NO - not the nagging feeling to have another! It's more like I don't know who I am sometimes. Women wear different hats all day long. I was able to interchange them with frequency every day without missing a step. Now, I don't know which hat to put on, how long to keep it on, sometimes I feel like I'm in a fog, sometimes I'm really in a fog. Sometimes I feel stupid like my brain has been sucked out. I'm not sure which direction to go. The only thing that I know for certain is my daily routine. I'm doubting myself at work, at home, in my marriage. I've been quiet about this...haven't told anyone, really. I know Pat's noticed...he chalks it up to bad things I did when I was younger - pre-Patrick. I don't think that's it. I'm a bottler so all of this sharing stuff with anyone who cares to read my blog is kind of freaking me out right now. Blogging about mommy stuff is easy because it's not so personal. What is personal is the stuff inside my head. It's like a box that hasn't been unlocked - at least for public viewing.
Anyway, that's what's going on with me. I'm a bit of a head case, all wrapped up in my own head of course.
It's this other nagging feeling that I'm getting. NO - not the nagging feeling to have another! It's more like I don't know who I am sometimes. Women wear different hats all day long. I was able to interchange them with frequency every day without missing a step. Now, I don't know which hat to put on, how long to keep it on, sometimes I feel like I'm in a fog, sometimes I'm really in a fog. Sometimes I feel stupid like my brain has been sucked out. I'm not sure which direction to go. The only thing that I know for certain is my daily routine. I'm doubting myself at work, at home, in my marriage. I've been quiet about this...haven't told anyone, really. I know Pat's noticed...he chalks it up to bad things I did when I was younger - pre-Patrick. I don't think that's it. I'm a bottler so all of this sharing stuff with anyone who cares to read my blog is kind of freaking me out right now. Blogging about mommy stuff is easy because it's not so personal. What is personal is the stuff inside my head. It's like a box that hasn't been unlocked - at least for public viewing.
Anyway, that's what's going on with me. I'm a bit of a head case, all wrapped up in my own head of course.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Whatever was I thinking?
I wasn't. That's the answer.
Pat, Aedan and I went to Chili's for dinner tonight. We always get the Queso as an appetizer. It looks disgusting but it is oh so good! Not good for you...just good.
I decided to give Aedan a little try of this goodness. Bad idea. Why was it a bad idea? Because apparently it is spicy. I can't tell because my spice radar isn't very sensitive. I can basically eat chili peppers without breaking a sweat! One year olds on the other hand don't possess this talent. Oops! He started crying, looking at me in a panic with eyes tearing up. Pat the savior a.k.a good parent took him and calmed him down and got him to drink some of his milk. I swear the kid kept looking at me like I was trying to kill him.
Honestly I wasn't.
That led to a conversation about the things that have sort of just happened in the last year.
The list:
1. Aedan rolls off changing table from 4 feet off the ground as I bent down to grab a diaper.
2. Aedan rolls off ottoman as I turned my back.
3. We're eating cubed stead, one of the toughest meats to chew as an adult, and I decide Aedan can eat it too with his lone two bottom teeth. They can't do it so don't try it with any other little human.
4. Aedan is outside on a gorgeous day playing with his new popper toy, gets moving too fast, tumbles over and falls on the side of his face. He's bleeding from his forhead and nose - sidewalk brush burns in both places. Looks at me again like I'm trying to kill him.
I think those are the major items. Mind you, each of these events have happened while Aedan's in my care. Aedan is in my care about 90% of the time since I'm of course his mom, still nursing and his dad leaves for work at the crack arse of dawn to drive an hour away. He also works some weekends so again, Aedan's with me most of the time. I bet that if it were the other way around the owner of the incidents would be him but it just feels really crappy to imagine him with his magnificent halo while I, the parent who happens to be there when the injuries occur, has a tipped, cracked and tarnished paper-mache hoop around her head.
We were talking about it at Chili's and joking of course but I can't help to think that I'm just really dumb sometimes. I tend to forget that little boy is just that, a little boy. He's doing so much so fast. Eats so much so good. Walks so fast so far. But inside this speed-boating-through-life little kid he's still a baby. It's such a tug and push kind of feeling this parenting thing. Wanting to teach, wanting to share at the same time not doing too much too soon. It's a constant two steps forward, stop and evaluate, one step back, pause, ok move forward, now catch up with him...
At least I know one thing for sure: no queso until at least 5.
Pat, Aedan and I went to Chili's for dinner tonight. We always get the Queso as an appetizer. It looks disgusting but it is oh so good! Not good for you...just good.
I decided to give Aedan a little try of this goodness. Bad idea. Why was it a bad idea? Because apparently it is spicy. I can't tell because my spice radar isn't very sensitive. I can basically eat chili peppers without breaking a sweat! One year olds on the other hand don't possess this talent. Oops! He started crying, looking at me in a panic with eyes tearing up. Pat the savior a.k.a good parent took him and calmed him down and got him to drink some of his milk. I swear the kid kept looking at me like I was trying to kill him.
Honestly I wasn't.
That led to a conversation about the things that have sort of just happened in the last year.
The list:
1. Aedan rolls off changing table from 4 feet off the ground as I bent down to grab a diaper.
2. Aedan rolls off ottoman as I turned my back.
3. We're eating cubed stead, one of the toughest meats to chew as an adult, and I decide Aedan can eat it too with his lone two bottom teeth. They can't do it so don't try it with any other little human.
4. Aedan is outside on a gorgeous day playing with his new popper toy, gets moving too fast, tumbles over and falls on the side of his face. He's bleeding from his forhead and nose - sidewalk brush burns in both places. Looks at me again like I'm trying to kill him.
I think those are the major items. Mind you, each of these events have happened while Aedan's in my care. Aedan is in my care about 90% of the time since I'm of course his mom, still nursing and his dad leaves for work at the crack arse of dawn to drive an hour away. He also works some weekends so again, Aedan's with me most of the time. I bet that if it were the other way around the owner of the incidents would be him but it just feels really crappy to imagine him with his magnificent halo while I, the parent who happens to be there when the injuries occur, has a tipped, cracked and tarnished paper-mache hoop around her head.
We were talking about it at Chili's and joking of course but I can't help to think that I'm just really dumb sometimes. I tend to forget that little boy is just that, a little boy. He's doing so much so fast. Eats so much so good. Walks so fast so far. But inside this speed-boating-through-life little kid he's still a baby. It's such a tug and push kind of feeling this parenting thing. Wanting to teach, wanting to share at the same time not doing too much too soon. It's a constant two steps forward, stop and evaluate, one step back, pause, ok move forward, now catch up with him...
At least I know one thing for sure: no queso until at least 5.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Daycare decision
For all of you who were biting your nails wondering what I was going to decide about daycare...
We've decided to keep Aedan right where he is. He's happy, we're happy. It's all good. No need to see if the grass is greener on the other side because we're quite content with the patch we're on.
We still need to find a back-up patch though. So if any of you know someone who'd love to take the little human on th every rare occassion that I can't miss work let me know. Oh - they need to be safe of course. No criminals.
We've decided to keep Aedan right where he is. He's happy, we're happy. It's all good. No need to see if the grass is greener on the other side because we're quite content with the patch we're on.
We still need to find a back-up patch though. So if any of you know someone who'd love to take the little human on th every rare occassion that I can't miss work let me know. Oh - they need to be safe of course. No criminals.
Friday, April 3, 2009
To my little boy
Happy 1st Birthday Sweet Boy. You will never fully know how loved you are, how much you have changed me and our world, or how every day is still like Christmas morning when I walk into your room. This first year has been a whirlwind of fun, love, laughter, and lessons in patience.
The smell of your skin makes me happy.
The sound of your laughter makes me happy.
Your toothy grin makes me happy.
Your bow-legged walk makes me happy.
I love every single second that I spend with you.
You are by far the most magical and wonderful gift God has given your daddy and I. We love you so much. Thank you for choosing us to be your parents. We promise to always be good to you and to make you a little crazy too (it's inevitable).
Birthday party is tonight. I'll be sure to post some gooey first cake pictures later.
The smell of your skin makes me happy.
The sound of your laughter makes me happy.
Your toothy grin makes me happy.
Your bow-legged walk makes me happy.
I love every single second that I spend with you.
You are by far the most magical and wonderful gift God has given your daddy and I. We love you so much. Thank you for choosing us to be your parents. We promise to always be good to you and to make you a little crazy too (it's inevitable).
Birthday party is tonight. I'll be sure to post some gooey first cake pictures later.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Breaking up is hard to do
Should I or shouldn't I. Pro's and Con's. T-lists. Nothing is helping me to make a pretty difficult decision. One day it's yes, the next it's no. Oy vey (which actually means "Oh woe is me").
We've had a terrific in-home daycare provider. I mean, she's been really good. She lives in our part of the neighborhood, is a stay-at-home mom, has a five year old son, takes Aedan on walks, to the library, to Toy's R Us...the list goes on. She accepts my sometimes strange parenting style and vegetarian/organic dietary requirements when I'm pretty sure she's laughing - not a mean laugh but the ones I usually get from parents who have "already been there and done that" kind of laugh (I know many of you do this to me too!). I can go to the gym before i pick him up and don't feel (too) guilty for leaving him there while I take some me time. She made Pat a father's day card from Aedan, sent my mother a Christmas gift (Aedan under the Tree in a framed photo), made valentines for all of the kids in their own special bag, bought Aedan his first walk-behind toy, etc.
The last couple of months have been tough. February-March are designated as "sick months" in Upstate NY. Seems like everyone gets sick with either the flu, cold or sinus infection. I think she, her son, Aedan, me, and some of the other kids have had something or other at one point. The issue: I don't have anyone that can take Aedan as her back-up when she gets sick or has an appointment. I've had to call-in to work, take time off, leave early, etc. It's been a lot in just a few months. I'm starting to get worried about taking so much time from my job. I can't keep it up. I need to find an alternate provider.
So I went to the YWCA infant program yesterday to enroll Aedan. It was fine. I mean, it was ok. I didn't love it. It's in our old drive-by shooting neighborhood but in Elmira there aren't many "safe" places left. I felt like I was cheating on Jen the whole time even though I told her at probably one of the worst times...when she found out she had thrush! Nice Sara - tell the poor girl you're thinking about dumping her when she's sick! Very nice.
Anyway, the Y...it was clean, there were toys and other kids who seemed happy, some were eating snacks - GROSS Kraft cheese and macaroni crackers which are loaded with other crap that no one should EVER be eating. Food is included in tuition...more crap food I'm certain. Not the Gardenburgers i thoughtfully feed Aedan and that Jen puts up with microwaving or the curried cous cous that makes his breathe smell like shitake.
I asked about structured curriculum. They've had one for about a year but haven't started to use it. What??? I'm pretty sure the CF purchased it for them too! What??? ok. Relax.
ALLLLL night I was weighing our options, trying to think what would be best for Aedan first, us second. He's been with Jen a year, they've bonded, he loves her, I've bonded and come to know her, enjoy her, commisurate with her over sleep, eating and behaviour issues. She knows and loves Aedan...knows his fear of strangers. Come to find out this was one of her chief concerns over him going to the Y - transition and strangers, him not knowing them and them not knowing how to take care of him.
But then I come back to the reliability issue and it seems like there hasn't been much of that lately. She's going to get sick, life things are going to come up. I get that. But, I can't not go to work. I'm not one of the lucky ones who can stay home. Why won't anyone back me up??
I've never had to fire anyone and I cringe at that word. I won't even say that's what I might have to do. To think that I would be responsible for changing the course of someone's life so drastically cannot be my lot in life - even if it's the best thing to do. (I'm dramatic...I know it won't put a horrible financial pinch on them. but I'm sure it'll be an adjustment of some sort.)
That's not to say I won't make a difficult decision or leave an unhealthy environment because I've done that plenty 'o times before. You know it! And for those of you who are able to remember instances and are thinking of them at this moment (PAT among others)...I'm not saying I've always "left" the appropriate way. I've learned that there are better ways. Whatever! I'd rather break-up, retreat, avoid, dump, split, restructure, dissolve, disband, fade out, fade away, but anything, anything other than the f word. Deal with me and my ways!
But, if it's such as easy decision why am I wrestling over it so much? Why when Aedan wakes me up in the night am I still thinking about it. What is my gut saying? argg...
I told her I felt like I was breaking up with her. I'd have to schedule a time to go and "get my stuff" from her house, i.e. pack-and-play, extra diapers, etc. It's just like when you end a relationship...you need to go get your special pj's shampoo, and toothbrush you've kept there. That's going to be a hard one.
This kid-raising thing is sooooo hard. Seems like whichever path I take there are bound to be pot holes of some sort. Maybe the right thing isn't about making a this or that choice at all. I always see things as black and white which they aren't a lot of the time. I'm usually at one of two extremes...high or low, right or wrong, best or worst, love and hate. There's middle ground. I just don't seem to find it or try to find it. I need to work on that. Maybe that's what I need to do here. That's the lesson. Try to find a way to patch-work this situation into working and making sure little boy is happy.
We've had a terrific in-home daycare provider. I mean, she's been really good. She lives in our part of the neighborhood, is a stay-at-home mom, has a five year old son, takes Aedan on walks, to the library, to Toy's R Us...the list goes on. She accepts my sometimes strange parenting style and vegetarian/organic dietary requirements when I'm pretty sure she's laughing - not a mean laugh but the ones I usually get from parents who have "already been there and done that" kind of laugh (I know many of you do this to me too!). I can go to the gym before i pick him up and don't feel (too) guilty for leaving him there while I take some me time. She made Pat a father's day card from Aedan, sent my mother a Christmas gift (Aedan under the Tree in a framed photo), made valentines for all of the kids in their own special bag, bought Aedan his first walk-behind toy, etc.
The last couple of months have been tough. February-March are designated as "sick months" in Upstate NY. Seems like everyone gets sick with either the flu, cold or sinus infection. I think she, her son, Aedan, me, and some of the other kids have had something or other at one point. The issue: I don't have anyone that can take Aedan as her back-up when she gets sick or has an appointment. I've had to call-in to work, take time off, leave early, etc. It's been a lot in just a few months. I'm starting to get worried about taking so much time from my job. I can't keep it up. I need to find an alternate provider.
So I went to the YWCA infant program yesterday to enroll Aedan. It was fine. I mean, it was ok. I didn't love it. It's in our old drive-by shooting neighborhood but in Elmira there aren't many "safe" places left. I felt like I was cheating on Jen the whole time even though I told her at probably one of the worst times...when she found out she had thrush! Nice Sara - tell the poor girl you're thinking about dumping her when she's sick! Very nice.
Anyway, the Y...it was clean, there were toys and other kids who seemed happy, some were eating snacks - GROSS Kraft cheese and macaroni crackers which are loaded with other crap that no one should EVER be eating. Food is included in tuition...more crap food I'm certain. Not the Gardenburgers i thoughtfully feed Aedan and that Jen puts up with microwaving or the curried cous cous that makes his breathe smell like shitake.
I asked about structured curriculum. They've had one for about a year but haven't started to use it. What??? I'm pretty sure the CF purchased it for them too! What??? ok. Relax.
ALLLLL night I was weighing our options, trying to think what would be best for Aedan first, us second. He's been with Jen a year, they've bonded, he loves her, I've bonded and come to know her, enjoy her, commisurate with her over sleep, eating and behaviour issues. She knows and loves Aedan...knows his fear of strangers. Come to find out this was one of her chief concerns over him going to the Y - transition and strangers, him not knowing them and them not knowing how to take care of him.
But then I come back to the reliability issue and it seems like there hasn't been much of that lately. She's going to get sick, life things are going to come up. I get that. But, I can't not go to work. I'm not one of the lucky ones who can stay home. Why won't anyone back me up??
I've never had to fire anyone and I cringe at that word. I won't even say that's what I might have to do. To think that I would be responsible for changing the course of someone's life so drastically cannot be my lot in life - even if it's the best thing to do. (I'm dramatic...I know it won't put a horrible financial pinch on them. but I'm sure it'll be an adjustment of some sort.)
That's not to say I won't make a difficult decision or leave an unhealthy environment because I've done that plenty 'o times before. You know it! And for those of you who are able to remember instances and are thinking of them at this moment (PAT among others)...I'm not saying I've always "left" the appropriate way. I've learned that there are better ways. Whatever! I'd rather break-up, retreat, avoid, dump, split, restructure, dissolve, disband, fade out, fade away, but anything, anything other than the f word. Deal with me and my ways!
But, if it's such as easy decision why am I wrestling over it so much? Why when Aedan wakes me up in the night am I still thinking about it. What is my gut saying? argg...
I told her I felt like I was breaking up with her. I'd have to schedule a time to go and "get my stuff" from her house, i.e. pack-and-play, extra diapers, etc. It's just like when you end a relationship...you need to go get your special pj's shampoo, and toothbrush you've kept there. That's going to be a hard one.
This kid-raising thing is sooooo hard. Seems like whichever path I take there are bound to be pot holes of some sort. Maybe the right thing isn't about making a this or that choice at all. I always see things as black and white which they aren't a lot of the time. I'm usually at one of two extremes...high or low, right or wrong, best or worst, love and hate. There's middle ground. I just don't seem to find it or try to find it. I need to work on that. Maybe that's what I need to do here. That's the lesson. Try to find a way to patch-work this situation into working and making sure little boy is happy.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Nasal Cleanse
I'm digressing a little from my standard blog about all things related to Aedan. I'm also putting you on notice that there will probably start to be more blogs diverging from just "mom" stuff frankly because I'm struggling with juggling all of the hats that I seem to be wearing. I love all of them, the big floppy ones, little fancy ones and even my new black engineer hat. You know I'm not talking about real hats, right? I mean except for the last one. Anyway...stay tuned for some other rambling sorts of posts.
Back to the reason for this post. I never ever thought I'd try it. I thought it would be really gross but I went to Walgreens and bought myself a neti pot. It's the strangest little thing. I have all kinds of allergy crap and basically can't even breathe or smell anything 90% of the time. What's pretty bad for Aedan is that I can't smell when he's got a really dirty diaper. I guess that could be a good thing but not when the little boy is sitting in it.
I'm on an antibiotic as we speak because of a sinus infection that I usually get around this time. My sister suggested I try the neti pot. Apparently her friend swears by it. Then I found out a few of my friends used it - who knew? So, I looked into it a little further, watched these weird videos on YouTube. People make videos about just anything... even pouring water up their nose to wash the snot out. Weird.
The neti pot. It's a little plastic tea pot looking thing that you fill with warm water and salt solution. You tip your head and put the spout in your nostril and pour away. I was expecting globs of gook to pour out. It didn't. The water you pour in comes out the other side. Very strange. Sometimes it goes down your throat but that's when you know you're not tipped enough. When you're done you blow your nose. I didn't expect a miracle but holy crap I could breathe! It was almost like that fresh clean feeling when you brush your teeth in the morning. The neti pot is like a toothbrush for your nose! It's strangely magical. I'm doing it twice a day now and will see how I feel at the end of the week. The neti pot is my new favorite thing. Never thought I'd say that about something that cleans the snot out of your head. But then again, I'm a pretty simple girl.
Back to the reason for this post. I never ever thought I'd try it. I thought it would be really gross but I went to Walgreens and bought myself a neti pot. It's the strangest little thing. I have all kinds of allergy crap and basically can't even breathe or smell anything 90% of the time. What's pretty bad for Aedan is that I can't smell when he's got a really dirty diaper. I guess that could be a good thing but not when the little boy is sitting in it.
I'm on an antibiotic as we speak because of a sinus infection that I usually get around this time. My sister suggested I try the neti pot. Apparently her friend swears by it. Then I found out a few of my friends used it - who knew? So, I looked into it a little further, watched these weird videos on YouTube. People make videos about just anything... even pouring water up their nose to wash the snot out. Weird.
The neti pot. It's a little plastic tea pot looking thing that you fill with warm water and salt solution. You tip your head and put the spout in your nostril and pour away. I was expecting globs of gook to pour out. It didn't. The water you pour in comes out the other side. Very strange. Sometimes it goes down your throat but that's when you know you're not tipped enough. When you're done you blow your nose. I didn't expect a miracle but holy crap I could breathe! It was almost like that fresh clean feeling when you brush your teeth in the morning. The neti pot is like a toothbrush for your nose! It's strangely magical. I'm doing it twice a day now and will see how I feel at the end of the week. The neti pot is my new favorite thing. Never thought I'd say that about something that cleans the snot out of your head. But then again, I'm a pretty simple girl.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Day Six
We're on day six of ten on the super antibiotic and I think little boy is beginning to feel normal again. Pat and I on the other hand aren't there yet. We're tired, sleep deprived again. It's ok though because strange as it is you begin to figure out how to move along through the day in a zombie-like state when you've had days and days of no sleep. I've been told that this goes on for years. Well hooray for that! @$##!!!
The problem we're now finding is that Aedan's getting used to waking up a few times during the night, standing up in his crib (one of his latest tricks), going to end closest to his door and screaming at the top of his lungs...usually for me. I mean, Pat does get up to check on him and everything but he apparently only wants the boob. Come on boy! I'm not a 24-hour service station and you're almost 1! While he was really sick we of course were up with him, brought him into bed, I nursed him VERY frequently. But now, this little boy, has manipulated us into making a habit out of it.
Last night was our first night of trying to "break" him of the habit. We let him CIO which is heart breaking. I don't let it go on for too long b/c then I end up CIO. It worked last night. He was out in just a few minutes. The funny thing is that when he's standing in his crib and finally gives in to his tiredness, he doesn't know how to make his way to the other end and lie down. He basically collapses wherever he is. I went in to check on him after a few minutes of the best silence I've heard in days and there he was curled up in a little ball with his face planted in the side of the crib. After a little chuckle in my head I held my breath and placed him onto his back and stealthily escaped. He didn't wake up until 7:00 the next morning. Hurray! Another battle won.
Oh sleep how I love you. I guess you really don't know what ya got till it's gone.
The problem we're now finding is that Aedan's getting used to waking up a few times during the night, standing up in his crib (one of his latest tricks), going to end closest to his door and screaming at the top of his lungs...usually for me. I mean, Pat does get up to check on him and everything but he apparently only wants the boob. Come on boy! I'm not a 24-hour service station and you're almost 1! While he was really sick we of course were up with him, brought him into bed, I nursed him VERY frequently. But now, this little boy, has manipulated us into making a habit out of it.
Last night was our first night of trying to "break" him of the habit. We let him CIO which is heart breaking. I don't let it go on for too long b/c then I end up CIO. It worked last night. He was out in just a few minutes. The funny thing is that when he's standing in his crib and finally gives in to his tiredness, he doesn't know how to make his way to the other end and lie down. He basically collapses wherever he is. I went in to check on him after a few minutes of the best silence I've heard in days and there he was curled up in a little ball with his face planted in the side of the crib. After a little chuckle in my head I held my breath and placed him onto his back and stealthily escaped. He didn't wake up until 7:00 the next morning. Hurray! Another battle won.
Oh sleep how I love you. I guess you really don't know what ya got till it's gone.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Seems as though
Little boy has his first ear infection. I thought he was just teething. He's still teething but now with an ear infection. This does not make for a happy boy. Also, symptom of the ear infection is runny nose which little boy rubs and then rubs his eyes. Next comes conjunctivitis in his eyes. That's really gross. Now he has yellow snot dripping from his nose and eyes and I'm chasing him around every couple of minutes trying to clean the boogers off of him. He wakes up in the morning with caked on boogers all over his face.
He's on a strong antibiotic that should clear everything up...in ten days. What?
Other than the gross fluid coming from everywhere he's ok, well, aside from not sleeping and at 4 am running around the living room like a lunatic. I think he's delirious. I don't think he's getting enough oxygen to his brain because he can't breathe.
He's on a strong antibiotic that should clear everything up...in ten days. What?
Other than the gross fluid coming from everywhere he's ok, well, aside from not sleeping and at 4 am running around the living room like a lunatic. I think he's delirious. I don't think he's getting enough oxygen to his brain because he can't breathe.
Friday, March 20, 2009
I'm good with the 1
Ever since Pat and I even thought about trying to get pregnant for little boy we had many talks about how many kid(s) we'd like to have. It was 1 for a long time. Then maybe 2. Then back to 1. Definitely never more than 2. Then little boy was born and we had our 1.
Occasionally Pat or I will say randomly that we'd like to go for two. Many of you have heard about our 2 year re-evaluate plan. When Aedan turns 2 we'll re-evaluate the whole sibling to-do or not to-do. If it's a to-do, then we're giving ourselves a year to get pregnant, then another 9 months to have the baby. That way, Aedan will only be about 3 1/2 years older and just about ready for Pre-K. Daycare expenses will not be an issue b/c Aedan will be in school.
If it's the not to-do then something surgical will occur to either Pat or I (but I really think he should do it since I had my abdomen sliced open once already). I've been pretty solid on the 1 for quite some time now. Every once in awhile Pat will put a wrench in that thinking.
Here are a few of his wrenching scenarios:
Little boy is acting all sweet, giving us gooey kisses and hugs, laughing at us hysterically, chasing the dog. Pat chimes in..."We should probably have just one more. This is so much fun! He is so much fun!" I say, "Maybe. Let's re-evaluate in 2 years."
I'm in the kitchen, Pat walks in and says,
"So I was thinking...once we're dead and gone little boy won't have any siblings to be with. He'll be all alone. That is so sad. We should probably have another baby so he can have a sibling close to his age." I say, "That is sad. But hopefully, he'll be married with kids of his own so he won't be lonely." And, "Let's not plan for our death too soon, ok?"
The scenario that changes it all:
I put little boy to bed at 7:30. He wakes up at 9:00 SCREAMING bloody murder. I can't console him. He's screaming at me! His teeth are throbbing, he has a runny nose and is drooling everywhere. I am sick myself and tired. My nose is running on him. Pat comes downstairs, tries to help. He can't help. No one can help. He's helpless. Pat goes back upstairs.
I don't know if little boy has spoiled us with his good sleeping habits but every time we go through a night like that the thought of having a number 2 isn't even a possibility. I refuse to entertain the thought. I can't imagine that the end of teething marks the end of sleepless nights. With each new stage there's got to be another reason not to sleep, right? So, how do you forget about the exhaustion, sleep deprivation, frustration, feelings of inadequacy, worry, and get to, LET'S DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN? I mean, the Dugger's on TLC did it like 18 times. WTH? That's lunacy! I just don't know that I have it in me. I mean, I give over 100% to the little human already. I think I might die if there were two of them and then...there would be two kids motherless! They'd be together but without a mother because I'd be dead. It goes back up to Pat's scenario about being alone without parents. "At least they'll have each other." ach!
(For today) I'm certain that 1 is good enough for us. I'm pretty sure I'm up for another bad night tonight so tomorrow my answer will be the same barring gooey kisses and snuggles in bed. Check back with me in a month or two (maybe by then his teeth will be in).
Disclaimer: this is all subject to change this afternoon, tomorrow or next week given I get proper sleep. I'm trying to work it out in my head.
Occasionally Pat or I will say randomly that we'd like to go for two. Many of you have heard about our 2 year re-evaluate plan. When Aedan turns 2 we'll re-evaluate the whole sibling to-do or not to-do. If it's a to-do, then we're giving ourselves a year to get pregnant, then another 9 months to have the baby. That way, Aedan will only be about 3 1/2 years older and just about ready for Pre-K. Daycare expenses will not be an issue b/c Aedan will be in school.
If it's the not to-do then something surgical will occur to either Pat or I (but I really think he should do it since I had my abdomen sliced open once already). I've been pretty solid on the 1 for quite some time now. Every once in awhile Pat will put a wrench in that thinking.
Here are a few of his wrenching scenarios:
Little boy is acting all sweet, giving us gooey kisses and hugs, laughing at us hysterically, chasing the dog. Pat chimes in..."We should probably have just one more. This is so much fun! He is so much fun!" I say, "Maybe. Let's re-evaluate in 2 years."
I'm in the kitchen, Pat walks in and says,
"So I was thinking...once we're dead and gone little boy won't have any siblings to be with. He'll be all alone. That is so sad. We should probably have another baby so he can have a sibling close to his age." I say, "That is sad. But hopefully, he'll be married with kids of his own so he won't be lonely." And, "Let's not plan for our death too soon, ok?"
The scenario that changes it all:
I put little boy to bed at 7:30. He wakes up at 9:00 SCREAMING bloody murder. I can't console him. He's screaming at me! His teeth are throbbing, he has a runny nose and is drooling everywhere. I am sick myself and tired. My nose is running on him. Pat comes downstairs, tries to help. He can't help. No one can help. He's helpless. Pat goes back upstairs.
I don't know if little boy has spoiled us with his good sleeping habits but every time we go through a night like that the thought of having a number 2 isn't even a possibility. I refuse to entertain the thought. I can't imagine that the end of teething marks the end of sleepless nights. With each new stage there's got to be another reason not to sleep, right? So, how do you forget about the exhaustion, sleep deprivation, frustration, feelings of inadequacy, worry, and get to, LET'S DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN? I mean, the Dugger's on TLC did it like 18 times. WTH? That's lunacy! I just don't know that I have it in me. I mean, I give over 100% to the little human already. I think I might die if there were two of them and then...there would be two kids motherless! They'd be together but without a mother because I'd be dead. It goes back up to Pat's scenario about being alone without parents. "At least they'll have each other." ach!
(For today) I'm certain that 1 is good enough for us. I'm pretty sure I'm up for another bad night tonight so tomorrow my answer will be the same barring gooey kisses and snuggles in bed. Check back with me in a month or two (maybe by then his teeth will be in).
Disclaimer: this is all subject to change this afternoon, tomorrow or next week given I get proper sleep. I'm trying to work it out in my head.
duh
I just added the "followers" widget on my blog. I became a follower of myself. Is that narcissistic?
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Closing in on 1
We're nearly there. Almost made it. Phew!
In just a few weeks little boy will be 1. I can't believe how this year has flown by. It's unimaginable how fast time travels. As much as I try to savor every milestone I can't seem to beat the clock. It is forever ticking away life's memories.
I think we can officially say that we are the parents of a toddler (right?) and are trying to adapt to all that toddlerhood brings with it. In our case these things are: consistantly chasing after the short human who loves to play in the toilet, cat and dog water bowl, yell in our faces and then run giggling away just because he can, throw fits of disdain when he's unsatisfied with our dinner menu, say yum-yum when dinner involves some sort of curry dish (weird, right?), and shower us with spontaneous hugs and kisses that neither of us can get enough of.
It's been the best year of our lives. Full of surprise and lessons in patience. I'm certain we do things that "experts" would turn their noses up at. But frankly, if we're able to create a human who loves his family and friends, who tries to do the "right" thing, and is kind, then I'm pretty sure we've done our job. Gosh I love this boy.
In just a few weeks little boy will be 1. I can't believe how this year has flown by. It's unimaginable how fast time travels. As much as I try to savor every milestone I can't seem to beat the clock. It is forever ticking away life's memories.
I think we can officially say that we are the parents of a toddler (right?) and are trying to adapt to all that toddlerhood brings with it. In our case these things are: consistantly chasing after the short human who loves to play in the toilet, cat and dog water bowl, yell in our faces and then run giggling away just because he can, throw fits of disdain when he's unsatisfied with our dinner menu, say yum-yum when dinner involves some sort of curry dish (weird, right?), and shower us with spontaneous hugs and kisses that neither of us can get enough of.
It's been the best year of our lives. Full of surprise and lessons in patience. I'm certain we do things that "experts" would turn their noses up at. But frankly, if we're able to create a human who loves his family and friends, who tries to do the "right" thing, and is kind, then I'm pretty sure we've done our job. Gosh I love this boy.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
There's nothing worse
than watching a baby throw-up. They look at you in terror, wondering what's going on and why you can't make it stop.
that's all i have to say about that. it was awful.
that's all i have to say about that. it was awful.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I'm addicted...
to my breast pump! I just realized my addiction yesterday when the ac adaptor for the pump broke. The copper wiring became disconnected from the ac-part. I noticed it beginning to happen for a few days but held on to hope that it would make it for a little longer. It did not. Hope doesn't generally work for mechanical sorts of things.
I ran home yesterday quickly to pump because there was a repair man working on the bathroom at work. And with no private office with a door there was no where else to go, well, I guess I couldv'e gone into the closet but I have a little more respect then that. Geesh!
Here's how it went:
Hooked up bottles to pump
Plugged plug into wall
Sat on couch
de-shirted myself (sorry TMI)
assumed position
flipped power switch on pump
NOTHING
OH CRAP! (what came out of my mouth sort of kind of but not really that nice)
I became panicky, wondered how I was going to replace the thing, wondered how on earth I was going to relieve myself, wondered if I needed to quit nursing all together. Now, think of a drug addict - the same thoughts must go through their minds once the stash is gone, right? I wouldn't know of course but it's got to be similar.
I ended up calling the manufacturer and ordered a new adaptor but it will take 7 business days to get here. Panicky again! I wasn't sure what to do in the meantime. It had already been 5 hours since I last pumped.
This consumed me much of the day. I mean seriously, in the grand scheme of what should consume one's mind on a scale of seriousness, the pump issue should not have been number one. It was top priority yesterday and now I fear I am addicted. I mean, this is something that I've been doing for ten months now. I'm in a routine. The dread I used to feel about having to pump has subsided and now I've come to have a relationship with it. We meet-up three times a day for private sessions. Anywhere I go I'm sure to bring it with me. If I plan an outing I make sure that I build in time during the day for it. Now I'm being ridiculous. I just went from thinking I was an addict to thinking I'm in love with the pump.
I'm going to stop this for now because well, I have to go and pump with my less than adequate hand pump.
I ran home yesterday quickly to pump because there was a repair man working on the bathroom at work. And with no private office with a door there was no where else to go, well, I guess I couldv'e gone into the closet but I have a little more respect then that. Geesh!
Here's how it went:
Hooked up bottles to pump
Plugged plug into wall
Sat on couch
de-shirted myself (sorry TMI)
assumed position
flipped power switch on pump
NOTHING
OH CRAP! (what came out of my mouth sort of kind of but not really that nice)
I became panicky, wondered how I was going to replace the thing, wondered how on earth I was going to relieve myself, wondered if I needed to quit nursing all together. Now, think of a drug addict - the same thoughts must go through their minds once the stash is gone, right? I wouldn't know of course but it's got to be similar.
I ended up calling the manufacturer and ordered a new adaptor but it will take 7 business days to get here. Panicky again! I wasn't sure what to do in the meantime. It had already been 5 hours since I last pumped.
This consumed me much of the day. I mean seriously, in the grand scheme of what should consume one's mind on a scale of seriousness, the pump issue should not have been number one. It was top priority yesterday and now I fear I am addicted. I mean, this is something that I've been doing for ten months now. I'm in a routine. The dread I used to feel about having to pump has subsided and now I've come to have a relationship with it. We meet-up three times a day for private sessions. Anywhere I go I'm sure to bring it with me. If I plan an outing I make sure that I build in time during the day for it. Now I'm being ridiculous. I just went from thinking I was an addict to thinking I'm in love with the pump.
I'm going to stop this for now because well, I have to go and pump with my less than adequate hand pump.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Constant Motion
We've gone mobile...constantly. This boy is tiring me out and he's not even a year old. He's growing too fast, learning too much, spinning out of control. From one minute to the next I feel like I'm reintroducing myself to this little person because each day he is new and different and he's doing something I've never seen him do before. It's wildy wonderful but at the same time reminds me how darn fast time passes us by.
I want to soak every second up.
I want the naps we take next to each other to last longer.
I want each day of his life to be as wonderful as these past 270 ish days have been.
I want to always feel his little head on my shoulder when he's sleepy.
I want to see him and his dad playing on the floor even when he's 18.
I want time to slow down...just a little.
I want to soak every second up.
I want the naps we take next to each other to last longer.
I want each day of his life to be as wonderful as these past 270 ish days have been.
I want to always feel his little head on my shoulder when he's sleepy.
I want to see him and his dad playing on the floor even when he's 18.
I want time to slow down...just a little.
Friday, January 9, 2009
9 months old!
When children turn 9 months do they all of a sudden go from baby to little person? It seems almost impossible that just last April this little being came out of my belly and is now toddling around. It really is amazing to see him exploring his little world while doing it so expertly.
We're finding though that instead of being able to sit on the couch gooing and gaaing all over Aedan we're now on the move! He has a little walker that he runs laps in through the kitchen, dining room, and living room chasing the dog and poking at the cat. He goes for everything. Has to touch everything.
I also kind of made the mistake of giving him a bell that "was" an ornament on the tree. I was taking down the tree one day and he heard the bell "ting." He turned around so fast at the sound that I had to give it to him. Minutes later he was making the rounds in his walker ringing the bell. It's a weird thing...it's now his favorite toy. All I have to do is ring it and he comes running! It's almost like the Pavlov experiment with the dog and salivation (all of you pychology students should remember). Now if I can only figure out how to use it in come constructive way. hmmm?
Last night at dinner sitting in his big boy high chair he just screamed. Not because he was mad, tired or hungry but because he found out that he has vocal cords - high pitch, low pitch, growling screams, and la la la's. And boy does he have vocal cords. I thought at one point he was going to shatter all of the glassware we have in the dining room. I turned to look at Pat and asked him where this kid came from because we're just not sure sometimes.
We have up and down issues with sleep. I've given in to the fact that "sometimes" he will be in bed with us. We try to keep it at the sometime level though. I still hold my breath every night when I put him down hoping that WE'LL make it to the next morning all snug in our OWN beds. Every day is an unexpected adventure of learning, laughter, love, and exhaustion. And each morning I'm ready to do it again.
A lesson from a friend that I'm trying to focus on was about drawing in blueberries and not worrying about the stains. Sometimes the stains we make in life are the best parts and the process to making those stains even better. I'm trying to get better at relaxing my sometimes neurotic self and allow this little boy to be the best stain-maker he can be instead of the stain-maker I'd like him to be. I think that's where a lot of parents get it wrong. We try so hard to do everything right that we miss the wrong turns in life that are supposed to have been there all along.
Happy new year everyone.
We're finding though that instead of being able to sit on the couch gooing and gaaing all over Aedan we're now on the move! He has a little walker that he runs laps in through the kitchen, dining room, and living room chasing the dog and poking at the cat. He goes for everything. Has to touch everything.
I also kind of made the mistake of giving him a bell that "was" an ornament on the tree. I was taking down the tree one day and he heard the bell "ting." He turned around so fast at the sound that I had to give it to him. Minutes later he was making the rounds in his walker ringing the bell. It's a weird thing...it's now his favorite toy. All I have to do is ring it and he comes running! It's almost like the Pavlov experiment with the dog and salivation (all of you pychology students should remember). Now if I can only figure out how to use it in come constructive way. hmmm?
Last night at dinner sitting in his big boy high chair he just screamed. Not because he was mad, tired or hungry but because he found out that he has vocal cords - high pitch, low pitch, growling screams, and la la la's. And boy does he have vocal cords. I thought at one point he was going to shatter all of the glassware we have in the dining room. I turned to look at Pat and asked him where this kid came from because we're just not sure sometimes.
We have up and down issues with sleep. I've given in to the fact that "sometimes" he will be in bed with us. We try to keep it at the sometime level though. I still hold my breath every night when I put him down hoping that WE'LL make it to the next morning all snug in our OWN beds. Every day is an unexpected adventure of learning, laughter, love, and exhaustion. And each morning I'm ready to do it again.
A lesson from a friend that I'm trying to focus on was about drawing in blueberries and not worrying about the stains. Sometimes the stains we make in life are the best parts and the process to making those stains even better. I'm trying to get better at relaxing my sometimes neurotic self and allow this little boy to be the best stain-maker he can be instead of the stain-maker I'd like him to be. I think that's where a lot of parents get it wrong. We try so hard to do everything right that we miss the wrong turns in life that are supposed to have been there all along.
Happy new year everyone.
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