Breaking up is hard to do

Should I or shouldn't I. Pro's and Con's. T-lists. Nothing is helping me to make a pretty difficult decision. One day it's yes, the next it's no. Oy vey (which actually means "Oh woe is me").

We've had a terrific in-home daycare provider. I mean, she's been really good. She lives in our part of the neighborhood, is a stay-at-home mom, has a five year old son, takes Aedan on walks, to the library, to Toy's R Us...the list goes on. She accepts my sometimes strange parenting style and vegetarian/organic dietary requirements when I'm pretty sure she's laughing - not a mean laugh but the ones I usually get from parents who have "already been there and done that" kind of laugh (I know many of you do this to me too!). I can go to the gym before i pick him up and don't feel (too) guilty for leaving him there while I take some me time. She made Pat a father's day card from Aedan, sent my mother a Christmas gift (Aedan under the Tree in a framed photo), made valentines for all of the kids in their own special bag, bought Aedan his first walk-behind toy, etc.

The last couple of months have been tough. February-March are designated as "sick months" in Upstate NY. Seems like everyone gets sick with either the flu, cold or sinus infection. I think she, her son, Aedan, me, and some of the other kids have had something or other at one point. The issue: I don't have anyone that can take Aedan as her back-up when she gets sick or has an appointment. I've had to call-in to work, take time off, leave early, etc. It's been a lot in just a few months. I'm starting to get worried about taking so much time from my job. I can't keep it up. I need to find an alternate provider.

So I went to the YWCA infant program yesterday to enroll Aedan. It was fine. I mean, it was ok. I didn't love it. It's in our old drive-by shooting neighborhood but in Elmira there aren't many "safe" places left. I felt like I was cheating on Jen the whole time even though I told her at probably one of the worst times...when she found out she had thrush! Nice Sara - tell the poor girl you're thinking about dumping her when she's sick! Very nice.

Anyway, the Y...it was clean, there were toys and other kids who seemed happy, some were eating snacks - GROSS Kraft cheese and macaroni crackers which are loaded with other crap that no one should EVER be eating. Food is included in tuition...more crap food I'm certain. Not the Gardenburgers i thoughtfully feed Aedan and that Jen puts up with microwaving or the curried cous cous that makes his breathe smell like shitake.

I asked about structured curriculum. They've had one for about a year but haven't started to use it. What??? I'm pretty sure the CF purchased it for them too! What??? ok. Relax.

ALLLLL night I was weighing our options, trying to think what would be best for Aedan first, us second. He's been with Jen a year, they've bonded, he loves her, I've bonded and come to know her, enjoy her, commisurate with her over sleep, eating and behaviour issues. She knows and loves Aedan...knows his fear of strangers. Come to find out this was one of her chief concerns over him going to the Y - transition and strangers, him not knowing them and them not knowing how to take care of him.

But then I come back to the reliability issue and it seems like there hasn't been much of that lately. She's going to get sick, life things are going to come up. I get that. But, I can't not go to work. I'm not one of the lucky ones who can stay home. Why won't anyone back me up??

I've never had to fire anyone and I cringe at that word. I won't even say that's what I might have to do. To think that I would be responsible for changing the course of someone's life so drastically cannot be my lot in life - even if it's the best thing to do. (I'm dramatic...I know it won't put a horrible financial pinch on them. but I'm sure it'll be an adjustment of some sort.)

That's not to say I won't make a difficult decision or leave an unhealthy environment because I've done that plenty 'o times before. You know it! And for those of you who are able to remember instances and are thinking of them at this moment (PAT among others)...I'm not saying I've always "left" the appropriate way. I've learned that there are better ways. Whatever! I'd rather break-up, retreat, avoid, dump, split, restructure, dissolve, disband, fade out, fade away, but anything, anything other than the f word. Deal with me and my ways!

But, if it's such as easy decision why am I wrestling over it so much? Why when Aedan wakes me up in the night am I still thinking about it. What is my gut saying? argg...

I told her I felt like I was breaking up with her. I'd have to schedule a time to go and "get my stuff" from her house, i.e. pack-and-play, extra diapers, etc. It's just like when you end a relationship...you need to go get your special pj's shampoo, and toothbrush you've kept there. That's going to be a hard one.

This kid-raising thing is sooooo hard. Seems like whichever path I take there are bound to be pot holes of some sort. Maybe the right thing isn't about making a this or that choice at all. I always see things as black and white which they aren't a lot of the time. I'm usually at one of two extremes...high or low, right or wrong, best or worst, love and hate. There's middle ground. I just don't seem to find it or try to find it. I need to work on that. Maybe that's what I need to do here. That's the lesson. Try to find a way to patch-work this situation into working and making sure little boy is happy.