I feel like I've lost something this past year. I'm not sure what it is. I think I chalked it up to being pregnant, then a new mom, then a working mom, then finding my groove. I think I've got the hang of parenting at the moment until little boy throws another curve ball at me. I'm constantly learning.
It's this other nagging feeling that I'm getting. NO - not the nagging feeling to have another! It's more like I don't know who I am sometimes. Women wear different hats all day long. I was able to interchange them with frequency every day without missing a step. Now, I don't know which hat to put on, how long to keep it on, sometimes I feel like I'm in a fog, sometimes I'm really in a fog. Sometimes I feel stupid like my brain has been sucked out. I'm not sure which direction to go. The only thing that I know for certain is my daily routine. I'm doubting myself at work, at home, in my marriage. I've been quiet about this...haven't told anyone, really. I know Pat's noticed...he chalks it up to bad things I did when I was younger - pre-Patrick. I don't think that's it. I'm a bottler so all of this sharing stuff with anyone who cares to read my blog is kind of freaking me out right now. Blogging about mommy stuff is easy because it's not so personal. What is personal is the stuff inside my head. It's like a box that hasn't been unlocked - at least for public viewing.
Anyway, that's what's going on with me. I'm a bit of a head case, all wrapped up in my own head of course.
Reading to my Animals
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3 comments:
I love you! Sharing is very hard. You may be experiencing work/life balance stuff...always feeling like somebody's being cheated, and then feeling guilty about it. That can make you feel dumb and incompetent because you're stressed. Is it martini time, sweetness?
I think it's definately martini time! Really, any time is martini time.
mmmm...martinis. Sigh.
Self-doubt and guilt seemed to be born in me the same time Sean was born. I think it is so helpful, at least it is for me, to write out feelings. You can only bottle up so much until it blows. keep on writing.
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