Mourning

Let me start off by saying we had another floater. I think he's doing it on purpose now. Ick!

Motherhood has seriously twisted my brain. Decisions made that I was pretty secure in and the ways I had defined my life have flip flopped and turned upside down. I've really been fine with it with the exception of a few emotional collapses. Thank God Pat is there to pick me up and bring me back to reality that my life really is good, we have a loving family, food in the fridge, jobs, health, etc. Those things are often hard to see when I'm in the middle of a serious, fetal position - my life sucks - I'm a horrible wife, mother, state of mind.

As it goes, another chapter has turned in my life as "mom." Aedan is officially weaned...I on the otherhand am not weaned.

Nursing was one of those things I was positive would not be something I even cared to try. The thought of me nursing grossed me out. I was totally fine with other women who chose it but I wasn't going to. Once I got pregnant it all changed. As soon as the nurse handed him to me I started nursing, he latched right on, all was good. It became our private time, our time to be close and quiet. I wasn't one of the moms who nursed in public. I escaped to my room upstairs, nursed and watched little boy drift...I'd eventually drift too. It was a very peaceful time when I could just look down on this beautiful little boy and think just how awesome the experience of becoming a mother has been and how it simply is unimaginable not to have him with us. I would soak in the sweet splendor of his smell.

Over the last few weeks he could take it or leave it. I needed to get the hint: He's just not that in to you. It's not like I forced him to nurse. I stuck to our morning and evening routine but the time spent became shorter and shorter. I resisted the (subtle) pressure I had been getting from some family and friends...the questions about when I was going to stop. I would always respond, when he's ready. I forged ahead.

Last weekend we departed from our morning routine and he was fine as expected. He drank milk from his sippy cup and ate cheerios with me on the couch while watching Sesame Street. It was fun. He giggled everytime Elmo showed up on the screen or was that Elmo's cousin? (New task: learn Sesame Street characters.)

I had a lovely dinner out with friends last night. Pat was in charge of getting Aedan down. I realize that he's also started a new chapter. The night time routine of bed, book and bath is not only mine but can be shared between mom and dad. It's his turn to enjoy a slice of the quiet, peaceful alone time I've had with Aedan over the last 416 nights (+,-).

It's bitter sweet. I have a little more freedom without (some of) the worry about whether he's in bed sleeping or running around like a lunatic looking for me. On the other hand, when I got home, a piece of me wanted to know he was difficult, screaming bloody murder and calling out my name.

He wasn't. He was calm. He let Pat rock him a little and then he was ready for his bed.

It reminds me that our children are only ours for a very short time. Time is going by and it makes me a little sad.