Opened Can of Worms

My last post. I fear I opened a can of worms. Friends and family have asked me if everything's ok or have told me that they've gone through similar things. It's a nice thing for people to be concerned with my mental well being. It's also comforting to know that others have been down my same path before.

It's been about a week since that post. I'm still feeling the same way but now I have this nagging, tugging feeling...almost like a homework assignment that I keep putting off until the last minute. I know I should get started but I don't have the motivation to start. Or, maybe I just don't know where to start.

I'm tired of reading self-help type books in part because I'm not really sure what kind of help I need. Another part of not reading the books is because they end up drudging up way more stuff about myself then I'm capable of handling at the moment. I also have a tendancy to over relate to issues people have going on in their own lives. I took a class in college called Chronic and Communicable Diseases - after each disease we studied I was certain I had it on some level. You see what I mean? I guess I feel like that if I read anything more then I will either, a. come out with a longer list of issues than what I started with, and/or b. I will become overwelmed by the identification of all of the issues I never knew I had.

I'd like to find a way to work on this in baby steps. I'd like to go deeper within myself and really focus on the "me" that is under construction. I'd like to meet and be my genuine self - someone that doesn't constantly feel the need to live up to anyone elses standards except for her own , say the right things, and be the "yes" girl all of the time.

I have strong desire to revisit the person I was when I was 10. That seemed like a really good age before things really became mucked up by dysfunction.

I apparently also need to start a different blog - those of you hoping for an Aedan up date got this instead. Sorry. I don't really want two different blogs.

Somethings been bugging me...

I feel like I've lost something this past year. I'm not sure what it is. I think I chalked it up to being pregnant, then a new mom, then a working mom, then finding my groove. I think I've got the hang of parenting at the moment until little boy throws another curve ball at me. I'm constantly learning.

It's this other nagging feeling that I'm getting. NO - not the nagging feeling to have another! It's more like I don't know who I am sometimes. Women wear different hats all day long. I was able to interchange them with frequency every day without missing a step. Now, I don't know which hat to put on, how long to keep it on, sometimes I feel like I'm in a fog, sometimes I'm really in a fog. Sometimes I feel stupid like my brain has been sucked out. I'm not sure which direction to go. The only thing that I know for certain is my daily routine. I'm doubting myself at work, at home, in my marriage. I've been quiet about this...haven't told anyone, really. I know Pat's noticed...he chalks it up to bad things I did when I was younger - pre-Patrick. I don't think that's it. I'm a bottler so all of this sharing stuff with anyone who cares to read my blog is kind of freaking me out right now. Blogging about mommy stuff is easy because it's not so personal. What is personal is the stuff inside my head. It's like a box that hasn't been unlocked - at least for public viewing.

Anyway, that's what's going on with me. I'm a bit of a head case, all wrapped up in my own head of course.

Whatever was I thinking?

I wasn't. That's the answer.

Pat, Aedan and I went to Chili's for dinner tonight. We always get the Queso as an appetizer. It looks disgusting but it is oh so good! Not good for you...just good.

I decided to give Aedan a little try of this goodness. Bad idea. Why was it a bad idea? Because apparently it is spicy. I can't tell because my spice radar isn't very sensitive. I can basically eat chili peppers without breaking a sweat! One year olds on the other hand don't possess this talent. Oops! He started crying, looking at me in a panic with eyes tearing up. Pat the savior a.k.a good parent took him and calmed him down and got him to drink some of his milk. I swear the kid kept looking at me like I was trying to kill him.

Honestly I wasn't.

That led to a conversation about the things that have sort of just happened in the last year.

The list:
1. Aedan rolls off changing table from 4 feet off the ground as I bent down to grab a diaper.
2. Aedan rolls off ottoman as I turned my back.
3. We're eating cubed stead, one of the toughest meats to chew as an adult, and I decide Aedan can eat it too with his lone two bottom teeth. They can't do it so don't try it with any other little human.
4. Aedan is outside on a gorgeous day playing with his new popper toy, gets moving too fast, tumbles over and falls on the side of his face. He's bleeding from his forhead and nose - sidewalk brush burns in both places. Looks at me again like I'm trying to kill him.

I think those are the major items. Mind you, each of these events have happened while Aedan's in my care. Aedan is in my care about 90% of the time since I'm of course his mom, still nursing and his dad leaves for work at the crack arse of dawn to drive an hour away. He also works some weekends so again, Aedan's with me most of the time. I bet that if it were the other way around the owner of the incidents would be him but it just feels really crappy to imagine him with his magnificent halo while I, the parent who happens to be there when the injuries occur, has a tipped, cracked and tarnished paper-mache hoop around her head.

We were talking about it at Chili's and joking of course but I can't help to think that I'm just really dumb sometimes. I tend to forget that little boy is just that, a little boy. He's doing so much so fast. Eats so much so good. Walks so fast so far. But inside this speed-boating-through-life little kid he's still a baby. It's such a tug and push kind of feeling this parenting thing. Wanting to teach, wanting to share at the same time not doing too much too soon. It's a constant two steps forward, stop and evaluate, one step back, pause, ok move forward, now catch up with him...

At least I know one thing for sure: no queso until at least 5.

Daycare decision

For all of you who were biting your nails wondering what I was going to decide about daycare...
We've decided to keep Aedan right where he is. He's happy, we're happy. It's all good. No need to see if the grass is greener on the other side because we're quite content with the patch we're on.

We still need to find a back-up patch though. So if any of you know someone who'd love to take the little human on th every rare occassion that I can't miss work let me know. Oh - they need to be safe of course. No criminals.

To my little boy

Happy 1st Birthday Sweet Boy. You will never fully know how loved you are, how much you have changed me and our world, or how every day is still like Christmas morning when I walk into your room. This first year has been a whirlwind of fun, love, laughter, and lessons in patience.

The smell of your skin makes me happy.
The sound of your laughter makes me happy.
Your toothy grin makes me happy.
Your bow-legged walk makes me happy.
I love every single second that I spend with you.

You are by far the most magical and wonderful gift God has given your daddy and I. We love you so much. Thank you for choosing us to be your parents. We promise to always be good to you and to make you a little crazy too (it's inevitable).

Birthday party is tonight. I'll be sure to post some gooey first cake pictures later.

Breaking up is hard to do

Should I or shouldn't I. Pro's and Con's. T-lists. Nothing is helping me to make a pretty difficult decision. One day it's yes, the next it's no. Oy vey (which actually means "Oh woe is me").

We've had a terrific in-home daycare provider. I mean, she's been really good. She lives in our part of the neighborhood, is a stay-at-home mom, has a five year old son, takes Aedan on walks, to the library, to Toy's R Us...the list goes on. She accepts my sometimes strange parenting style and vegetarian/organic dietary requirements when I'm pretty sure she's laughing - not a mean laugh but the ones I usually get from parents who have "already been there and done that" kind of laugh (I know many of you do this to me too!). I can go to the gym before i pick him up and don't feel (too) guilty for leaving him there while I take some me time. She made Pat a father's day card from Aedan, sent my mother a Christmas gift (Aedan under the Tree in a framed photo), made valentines for all of the kids in their own special bag, bought Aedan his first walk-behind toy, etc.

The last couple of months have been tough. February-March are designated as "sick months" in Upstate NY. Seems like everyone gets sick with either the flu, cold or sinus infection. I think she, her son, Aedan, me, and some of the other kids have had something or other at one point. The issue: I don't have anyone that can take Aedan as her back-up when she gets sick or has an appointment. I've had to call-in to work, take time off, leave early, etc. It's been a lot in just a few months. I'm starting to get worried about taking so much time from my job. I can't keep it up. I need to find an alternate provider.

So I went to the YWCA infant program yesterday to enroll Aedan. It was fine. I mean, it was ok. I didn't love it. It's in our old drive-by shooting neighborhood but in Elmira there aren't many "safe" places left. I felt like I was cheating on Jen the whole time even though I told her at probably one of the worst times...when she found out she had thrush! Nice Sara - tell the poor girl you're thinking about dumping her when she's sick! Very nice.

Anyway, the Y...it was clean, there were toys and other kids who seemed happy, some were eating snacks - GROSS Kraft cheese and macaroni crackers which are loaded with other crap that no one should EVER be eating. Food is included in tuition...more crap food I'm certain. Not the Gardenburgers i thoughtfully feed Aedan and that Jen puts up with microwaving or the curried cous cous that makes his breathe smell like shitake.

I asked about structured curriculum. They've had one for about a year but haven't started to use it. What??? I'm pretty sure the CF purchased it for them too! What??? ok. Relax.

ALLLLL night I was weighing our options, trying to think what would be best for Aedan first, us second. He's been with Jen a year, they've bonded, he loves her, I've bonded and come to know her, enjoy her, commisurate with her over sleep, eating and behaviour issues. She knows and loves Aedan...knows his fear of strangers. Come to find out this was one of her chief concerns over him going to the Y - transition and strangers, him not knowing them and them not knowing how to take care of him.

But then I come back to the reliability issue and it seems like there hasn't been much of that lately. She's going to get sick, life things are going to come up. I get that. But, I can't not go to work. I'm not one of the lucky ones who can stay home. Why won't anyone back me up??

I've never had to fire anyone and I cringe at that word. I won't even say that's what I might have to do. To think that I would be responsible for changing the course of someone's life so drastically cannot be my lot in life - even if it's the best thing to do. (I'm dramatic...I know it won't put a horrible financial pinch on them. but I'm sure it'll be an adjustment of some sort.)

That's not to say I won't make a difficult decision or leave an unhealthy environment because I've done that plenty 'o times before. You know it! And for those of you who are able to remember instances and are thinking of them at this moment (PAT among others)...I'm not saying I've always "left" the appropriate way. I've learned that there are better ways. Whatever! I'd rather break-up, retreat, avoid, dump, split, restructure, dissolve, disband, fade out, fade away, but anything, anything other than the f word. Deal with me and my ways!

But, if it's such as easy decision why am I wrestling over it so much? Why when Aedan wakes me up in the night am I still thinking about it. What is my gut saying? argg...

I told her I felt like I was breaking up with her. I'd have to schedule a time to go and "get my stuff" from her house, i.e. pack-and-play, extra diapers, etc. It's just like when you end a relationship...you need to go get your special pj's shampoo, and toothbrush you've kept there. That's going to be a hard one.

This kid-raising thing is sooooo hard. Seems like whichever path I take there are bound to be pot holes of some sort. Maybe the right thing isn't about making a this or that choice at all. I always see things as black and white which they aren't a lot of the time. I'm usually at one of two extremes...high or low, right or wrong, best or worst, love and hate. There's middle ground. I just don't seem to find it or try to find it. I need to work on that. Maybe that's what I need to do here. That's the lesson. Try to find a way to patch-work this situation into working and making sure little boy is happy.