"Things I Love List"

Everyone has lists. It might be on paper or just in your head. I've actually got tons of different lists: to-do lists, bucket lists, things I hate lists (that's a long one), shopping lists, etc. I was just thinking about my "things I love" list the other night when I was able to lay on the couch all snuggled up with a blanket doing absolutely nothing. It was about 10:00 p.m. and of course Aedan was asleep otherwise this would not be happening. I LOVE lounging on the couch. I forgot how much I missed it.

Here are some items on my love-list:
My Patty
Rain
My Couch
Coffee
Wine
Hanky Panky Underwear
Sweet Potato French Fries
Sitting by the lake at night
Any kind of frozen drink
Ice cream
Wearing new underwear
The smell of thanksgiving

Anyway, tonight Aedan had a tough time falling asleep. He screamed, I went up to check on him, picked him up and then ahhh....the new "things I love" came to me: nuzzles and sweet breath.

Nuzzle probably isn't a word but you know what it is once you've been nuzzled. There's nothing better than a warm little head in the crook of your neck. Nuzzling can be done with your partner I suppose but I'd be writing a different kind of blog if that's what I was talking about.

Soft skin, chubby cheeks, warmth. I've had 8 1/2 months of this nuzzling but never quite felt it like I did tonight. Aedan's at this magical age now where he's reacting to us. For lack of a better description he's not just laying there like a blob. He reaches up for us now and then of course pushes our hands away when he's had enough. He laughs at us, talks to us and rubs our face. He's also yelling at me more in an effort to make sure I know what he doesn't like. The nuzzling is the best and has a way of erasing any frustration, impatience or stress.

It's 10:49 p.m. now, Aedan is asleep so I think I'm going to go to #2 on my list. :-)

A Little Spill

I've heard the stories, you've heard them and perhaps even experienced them. I was warned. I was careful and took precautions.

He still rolled off and terror filled my soul.

Sunday, as I was changing Aedan on his changing table that sits on his dresser about THREE FEET high, I dropped his diaper on the floor. What was once thought of as a quick act to bend down and grab the diaper only to find sweet smiling baby still securly sitting on the changing table is no more. On this particular Sunday, Aedan just had to peek over the side of the table to see what I was doing as I bent down THREE FEET below him. As good as he is at sitting up he wasn't able to fight gravity. He rolled off and I watched him do it in slow motion. I was frozen, unable to catch him mid-fall. It happened so fast as these things do. Luckily, his floor is carpeted. Luckily, he didn't hit his head on the dresser or any other sharp object. Luckily, he had a bunch of angels surrounding him.

I swooped him up tried to make him feel safe in my arms. I cannot begin to tell you how horrible I felt and still do. Pat came running in to see what happened. He wasn't able to ignore the loud BOOM he heard.

I still can't get over it. Aedan's fine and fully recovered. He doesn't exhibit any PTSD as a result. Pat said that he might end up in the slow class now. Whatever...he'll be the smartest kid in the slow class if that's the case!

Apparently I have a perfectionist quality about me as a mom that I'm really trying to deal with. This started before he was born. I wanted a natural birth (no meds), I ate right (most of the time), I did yoga almost until the day I delivered, I read EVERY book about pregnancy and birth, I took a hypnobirthing class, I did the belly cast, I started THIS blog, I breastfeed (yes, still), I make his own baby food, I read to him almost every night (and feel like a slacker when I don't), I take pictures of him all of the time, I talk to him A LOT because language-rich homes is a marker for school readiness, I'm going to water babies with him in January, and once he starts crawling we're going to this gymnastics place to play. What else? Surely there's something I'm missing. (I actually just went back in and added another item. See, there's always something else!).

I think the issue with me is that I'm putting EVERYTHING I have into this one little boy because honestly I'm not sure if we're going to have any more kids. I want him to be able to experience everything I and the world have to offer. I don't want to say, "Crap! I wish we did that with him!" I'm not sure if I'll get a chance for a do-over.

When he fell off the table I was first and foremost worried that he hurt himself. And now that it's been a couple of days all of my neurocies as a failed mother are coming up. When I'm not thinking like a crazy person I know I'm not a failure. It was an accident. I know that. He is ok. He knows I love him.

I'm learning so much about myself as a person and mother. He is teaching me so much about myself - sometimes they aren't lessons I'm prepared to deal with, i.e. obsessive-compulsive routines, patience, etc. I firmly believe people come in to our lives to teach us things about ourselves - good and bad. I am thankful every day for Aedan, for Pat, my family and for friends. I am a work in progress. Please bear with me. I am a work in progress. I am not perfect. I am a work in progress.

Constipation

Lovely word isn't it? Even more lovelier is the feeling. I know you've all experienced it at some point but you probably don't want to admit it.

This past weekend Pat and I watched as little boy wriggled up his lips, turned apple red, and sometimes coame out with a quiet grunting sound. We watched him and he watched us each time. I'm guessing he was trying to say HELP through this expression and his eyes.

I turned to Pat looking to him for some advice. Afterall, (he'll hate that I'm saying this) a few of the Palmer's are known for having gastrointestinal issues so they should be experienced in trying to solve this problem.

We tried giving him nothing but pears, oatmeal cereal and beans for about two days. Then I read somewhere (ha!) that giving him water would help loosen things. Nice. I was prepared at each diaper change to see some kind of massive blowout. It never happened.

By Sunday evening I really couldn't stand by watching him look like he was in pain. I kept thinking that he's still eating normally and taking everything in but hardly anything was coming out...it must be "in there" somewhere backed up and waiting to come out! Off I went to Walgreens to see if I could find something.

I came home with infant suppositories.

Pat gave me a look that said he wasn't going to do it.

I pulled my big girl panties up and did what a grown up mom is supposed to do. There was something very awkward and icky about inserting the little glycerin tablet. This was I guess the first time I had to say to myself that it will only be uncomfortable for second and that the end result will be relief for the poor little man. I tried convincing myself of this but it didn't really work. I still felt crappy. (he he)

I expected him to scream. He didn't. He was a trooper and for some reason quickly feel asleep on my shoulder. I think he was tired from all of the work he'd been doing over the past couple of days.

When he woke up I changed his diaper and truly wanted to do a cheer for poop! There was poop, real poop. I've never been so excited over poop.

Another lesson learned in the world of motherhood. I'm apparently going to be "knee-deep" in it for a few more years.

nothing new....really.

I figured that if I didn't post something soon I'd be hung up by my underwear.

I think I'm getting to that point mothers do when you throw your hands up, dump all of the theories, books and suggestions on how to raise your kid, and surrender to the little human being. I listen patiently as people give suggestions. I try not to roll my eyes. I try to not bark back and say whatever. I try to remember that I'm an adult. I try.

Surrending for me is new territory. I fight for the last word. I generally think my way is the right way. I'm pretty critical - although I tend to do this quietly so no one can see that side of me...well except for my mom and Pat but that's it. But for the most part I've tried to take in and try out the suggestions I get from people.

As we've been having the sleeping issues I've heard all kinds of suggestions. When I said Aedan was sleeping in our bed we heard most predomimantly, "Oh No! You'll never get him out." From our nurse home visitor I heard, "You either need to fight the sleeping battle now or fight it when he's two." I get that raised eyebrow look like they want to say something but they're not going to. What's with all of this battle language and fighting and end-of-the-world feeling?

I was thinking about the if you don't get him to sleep on his own in his own bed now you'll never get him out comment. Is there really truth to that? If it were the truth wouldn't there be like a gazillion 20 year olds still sleeping with their parents? That's just strange.

I'm not saying I love it that Aedan sleeps with us occassonally but there is some sweetness to it that I'd like to savor for a little while. And...as crazy as it sounds....when he does make it through a night I sort of wake up around 5 a.m. half-way hoping he'll start crying and want me to come get him so I can eat up the deliciousness of him that last hour before we start the day. We only have this time together for a short while. I figure as a mom to a boy child I really have a short period of time when all he wants is mom. As he gets older I'm certain he'll want dad most of the time. You know...for guy reasons. I'm just guessing that'll be the way it goes.

Maybe this is my way of saying that I think I'm really becoming a mom to my boy. I love all of the strong women and mothers around me and am so thankful for the support and experience they bring to my life. But, I guess I'm also saying that I think I'm finding my rhythm as a mother...even if the rhythm ain't sounding like Bach or Beethoven.

Peace out. I'm going to take a nap now because the boy is sleeping with me tonight! he he.

Oh Canada!

Aedan, my mom and I embarked on his first International Trip. I was reminded that no matter the close proximty of Canada to the U.S. and the similarity of our people (except for the weird pronounciation of words with "ou" in them) we were crossing an international border - so said the grumpy border patrol lady.

I always get super nervous when crossing into Canada. Not because I'm smuggling any contraband or escaping anything. It's just very intimidating. This was my first time crossing with Aedan and I was pretty sure I had everything covered. My mom and I both had our passports, I copied Aedan's birth certificate. The one thing I didn't think to bring was a letter from Pat saying it was OK for me to bring Aedan with me to Canada. Who would've thought I needed to. Maybe this is my ignorance coupled with first-time momisms and not having traveled to another country with him. Anyway, I was promptly told that the next time I bring my son without his father across the border I will need to have a letter stating that it ok for me, his MOTHER, to bring MY SON, with me to Canada. Okay. I will.

Now I know this is a safety issue and there are plenty of crazy moms AND dads out there who steal their kids and escape to Canada (?). I'm happy for their sake that they have this order in place. But really, I couldn't help feel a little annoyed and bothered by the fact that they would request a letter. And really, couldn't I have just typed one up myself, signed Pat's name and been off to my refuge in Canada? Probably.

At any rate, we're in Montreal for a conference that I'm attending. My mom came with us thank goodness to care for Aedan while I'm in my workshops that are oh so interesting - about as interesting as community foundation workshops can be. (Yikes!).

I've learned more lessons about being a mom, juggling work, attending a conference knowing there's a cranky 7 month old 14 floors above, scheduling "mommy breaks" i.e. nursing and the dreaded pump.

Tomorrow we head back home where routine reigns instead of spontaneity. Is it weird for me to say I miss routine? I miss home. I miss the "way we do things" there.

Voting Booth

I get VERY excited every time I have the chance to vote. Maybe it's the feminist in me knowing that if I didn't exercise my right I'd be spitting in the face of all the hard work and suffering that went in to giving me my right. I vote in every single election from Presidential to County Clerk (that one bewilders me). I love to pull the lever, close the curtain, carefully make sure I'm clicking the little bar for my candidate(s), double checking once again, and then finally making my selection.

Pat and I always vote together. It's a tradition. I was biting my nails all day because yesterday I had to wait until he got home from Binghamton to vote. He says I take way too long in the voting booth. Whatever.

Yesterday was HUGE in so many ways. Huge because this election will shape the country in the next four years into a more mature America and hopefully smarter America. It was also huge because I wasn't only voting for myself, Pat, our family or friends. I now have a son to think about and more importantly the shape of HIS future.

It's funny that I really didn't think of this when I got pregnant. Of course I knew that I'd be changed forever as a person but truly the task of motherhood is more than being responsible for the every day issues like food, shelter, love, education. Those are super important don't get me wrong. But yesterday and several days leading up to the election made me think of this responsibility in a whole new way. I have the power with my single vote to make a "change" that will affect HIS life.

I picked up Aedan at 4:45 p.m., drove to our voting location, met Pat in the parking lot, and made our way to Room 122 (it was in a school). I had a bounce in my step and was a little more giddy this time. Pat took Aedan into the booth with him to vote. I wanted to take a picture of them but I think it's illegal.

It was a lovely day and even lovlier evening! Hooray!
I explained the results to Aedan this morning. He just stared at me, sneezed a boogery sneeze and laughed. Pure joy!

I Hate It!

I don't hate much but I do hate the pump. I love being able to juggle being a mom and working but I really hate the pumping.

Too much information - by the time friday rolls around and I've pumped 3-4 times a day for the past five days, my girl parts are ready for a weekend vacation if you know what I mean. I'm sorry family. This is probably more than you bargained for as you decided to check in on the Palmer's for an update on Aedan. It just makes me feel better to write about it then for the hatred to clutter up my brain.

I feel like my day revolves around the pump. "Look at the time! Oh it's time to pump." Or, "I can't possibly go to an all-day meeting, where will I pump?" "Oh crap! I'm not pumping enough!" The drama goes on and on...and it's not even good drama.

Ugh.

Please, Oh Please...

just sleep! What went wrong. What are WE doing wrong that this little boy has chosen after 4 months of sleeping through the night to now wake up every hour. I'm tired. I'm irritable. I have blood shot eyes.

He giggles every time I go in to check on him. What do you do with that?

Long Time No Talkie

Sorry to my readers out there. I just know there must be thousands of you (right!). Seriously though, I do apologize for not updating this as regularly as I should since I do have a few friends and family out there who do wonder how the Palmer's are and more importantly, Aedan.

So where are we at? Well, I'm sad to say that we're still in the throws of teething. It's bareable at least. He's not an angry little man anymore. He's mostly gnawing on anything he can get his hands on and generally just growling at me. That's a really strange thing actually. The person that he's around the most, who he relies on food for, who birthed him to say the least, is also the person he has a general distaste for in some of his worst days.

Now, I'm prone to exaggeration...those who know me best SHOULD realize that. Aedan is by far one of the easiest babies I've ever known. His worst days account for the occassional fussiness, going to bed a little later than 7:30 p.m. and waking up slightly before his regular 6:00 a.m. rising. "Give me a break" say most mothers! "You've got it easy!" We all have our crosses to bear.

Update on Aedan (sorry I rambled there a bit):

At 6 months old already...I can hardly believe it, Aedan has more personality than ever. We are now able to distinguish grumpy, sad, happy, giggly, silly, snuggly, sleepy, and hungry emotions. He's about 19 pounds and 28 inches long. At his last check-up we were happily notified that we weren't growing a gigantic baby. Seems as though his weight gain is evening out but he is a long boy.

Aedan has lots of ticklish spots...under his little butt cheeks, between the "Perry" thighs (all of you Perry's out there can relate), his neck when you can find it, and of course his little arm pits. Sitting up has become a sport so to speak. He does the "you're not going to make me lay down" kind of wretching with his little body and then just the opposite when the mood strikes.

A couple of weeks ago we visited Iron Kettle Pumpkin Farm. He was less than enthused.

He's now eating food - the homemade kind. I'm really not sure if this is going to work for him in the long run. All sorts of kids whose crazy granola eating moms have made their own baby food and still have grown wacked out kids who only eat chicken nuggets and candy bars. We'll see. So far he loves bananas, applesauce, pears, acorn squash and sweet potatoes. It's fun to watch the faces he makes with each new food group.

We're good, Aedan's happy and healthy, Pat and I are still married, and all is well. We're surviving this crazy road trip of life - for now anyway.

Teething

It's a horrible thing that our sweet boy has to go through this. I can imagine the achiness of his little gums, the constant drooling, the runny nose, and raging diaper rash that seem to accompany this thing called teething. Mind you he's only 5 months so we don't expect to see any white sprouts yet but all of the drama happening now is foreshadowing what is yet to come.

Right along side him in his misery are his miserable, sleep deprived, frustrated, parents! Teething not only happens to babies but it's also happening to us! We spent last night every hour on the hour trying to figure out how to help and console this little boy. Nothing worked. As he arched his back every time I tried to rock or feed him I could feel my head starting to spin. He wrestled with us, kicked us, laughed at us... After about 4 hours of this I finally said enough is enough. I gave him Tylenol thinking this would hopefully knock him out.

It did not. I wanted to knock myself out.

Around 10:30 he finally began to drift. I said "phew" and tried to get some sleep myself. At 2:00, 4:00, and 5:00 the boy woke up. I think I need to give him twice the dosage of Tylenol next time. By 5:30 I knew my dreams of getting some sleep were over. They were over for Pat too.

Aedan came into bed with us, continued to wrestle, continued to giggle, continued to groan. I asked Pat if we could put him up for sale in our next garage sale. I think we'd get a better deal on ebay.

I sit and think.

I have a lot of labels: daughter, sister, wife, friend, co-worker, peep, and now mother.

That last one makes me raise an eyebrow. How can it be? I always thought I was the girl who would never become a mom. I'm not sure why I ever thought that...I don't even think the thought originated from me. Maybe it was a perception.


I sit here as he's sleeping in his crib always with one ear listening for a cry or some other strange noise that would make me stop what I'm doing and check on him. Never have I been so attentive. Where did this new person come from?

I'm

Morphing

I don't know what's happening really... my sweet angelic little boy has become a growling, whining, pitiful, snot-filled grump! Aedan caught his first cold over the weekend and I'm about ready to run away! This is me being dramatic of course.

As colds go, this one isn't too bad. He's got a stuffed up nose that makes it hard to breathe and there's no use using the pacifier to soothe him since he can't suck and breathe at the same time. Forget about sniffing...he hasn't learned that skill yet so I'm constantly attacking him with the booger sucker to at least give him a little relief.

There's no comfy place to lay him. He can't really lay on his back for any length of time because the snot pools up in his nose. I feel awful for him. Tylenol seems to be working but who knows really. He's still growling and looking at me like I did something to him.

I thought breastmilk was supposed to prevent these things from happening? Guess not.

Another Vacation Down

Vacation! When you say it you get all excited for a weeks worth of play and relaxation. Before we left for North Carolina I was counting down the days until we left. Aedan and I went on our very first plane ride together. I was super excited and a little too arrogant to think that I'd be "just fine" doing it solo. Not so much.

This is how it began:

1. On our way to the airport I forgot the all important rescue bottle in the refridgerator. After a few swear words and making my mom nervous I turned around to get the bottle.
2. Airport arrival - went through security just fine but then was trying to hold Aedan and get my front pack on at the same time was ridiculous. I ended up putting Aedan in one of those bins that run through the x-ray machine so I could strap myself up.
3. Flying through Philli...can you say headache every time?? Our flight was delayed due to thunderstorms for an hour and a half. Here's me panicking with small breastfed baby thinking we wouldn't make our connection before he needed to eat again. Thank God I turned around to get the rescue bottle!
4. Arrived in Philly, grabbed a banana peanut butter smoothie and got to our gate. Holy explosion Aedan! This was the first of many bad belly diapers.
5. Getting on Plane to Raleigh: It's lovely that they allow parents with small children to board first. What's not so lovely is that the flight attendants don't help you once you get on. So really, the early get on board doesn't help at all. Picture this: Aedan is in my front pack, diaper bag is over my shoulder and I'm trying to load my carry-on into the overhead compartment. Did they shrink the compartments all of a sudden? Meanwhile, Aedan starts screaming and the mean flight attendant is staring at me from the front of the plane! Finally I said, "Can I get some help here?" She yelled back, "It's not going to fit up there!" No shit! (I didn't say that to her).
6. We're finally seated. Aedan has now gone almost 4 hours without food. He's such a good boy.
7. We arrive. Nice guy sitting next to me offers to carry my carry-on off the plane.
8. Walking by the mean flight attendant I said goodbye nicely, she barked, "Next time don't pack so much." Can you imagine what I wanted to say back? Ok, just imagine.
9. I see Pat and Carrick. They met us at the airport to bring us to Bernie and Steven's. Safe at last. Phew!

It sounds worse than it was. We survived and surprisingly I'll probably do it again. Aedan was a trooper.

We had a great time in NC. The weather was beautiful. Aedan had a bad belly for a day when we got to Wilmington. It's was a whole days worth of Montezumas revenge in his diaper! We attempted to got to the beach with him one day. Pat dipped his little toes into the warm ocean water. He was ready for a nap but then had a major meltdown. The sun was too bright for his little eyes. So then I had a meltdown because I couldn't figure out what was wrong. Pat rescued he and I and took Aedan back to the house. I had a good couple of hours on the beach alone. That was lovely. Thanks Patrick!

Back to the meaning of vacation. It's different now. I knew it would be. Pre-baby equaled being carefree, drinking beachy cocktails whenever I wanted, galavanting off into the ocean anytime I wanted to, and being outside. Post-baby equals staying inside most of the time, missing my beachy cocktails throughout the day, waiting until after 7:30 to finally have one, and getting irritated at husband (the majority of the time) for being able to galavant instead of me.

Life is different now. I'm adjusting to it slowly but seem to be grumbling about it quite often. Don't get me wrong...I love Aedan to pieces and I would never want things to go back to the way they were without him. It's just different and much harder.

High Chair Woes

We know the boy is too little for a high chair. He's not even eating solids. There's simply no need for the high chair.

Pat put him in his big boy chair so he could sit watching us cook in the kitchen. Lovely idea.

Then a swell of emotion came over me. I've been feeling it a lot actually this last week every time he learns or does something completely unexpected or new. As a parent you of course want these things to happen. It's exciting, amazing, nothing like I've ever experienced.

But I was almost pleading with Pat to get him out. He wasn't flopping over like a limp piece of lettuce and he was clearly safe and secure. Pat did not see it but I cried a little. This beautiful little gift that God has given us is getting bigger, stronger and learning more and more every day.

He's ready to grow. I am not.

First Vacation

Well, we've returned safely and sane from our first vacation away from home.

Last weekend, Aedan, my mom and I drove to Rockport, MA to visit my Uncle Summy and Aunt Sharon. Everyone told me that this is the best and easiest age for kids to travel. I'm happy to say they were right! Aedan was fantastic. On the way to Rockport Aedan slept nearly the entire way and we stopped only twice for him to eat. I was actually a little worried about him sleeping so much and a few times zoned in on his chest to make sure he was still breathing! I'm happy to say that he's still alive.

Lots of "firsts" happened on this trip. First time his little toes felt sand, first time his nose smelled the sometimes stinky sea air, first time he felt the crashing waves, first time he heard the cawing seagulls and sandpipers, first time an enormous black-backed seagull tried to eat him, and a sad first time...first time he was away from his daddy :-( This was definatly much harder on Pat than Aedan. But Aedan gave his dad one of his I'm-the-cutest-kid-on-earth-AND-I-love-my-daddy kind of smiles as soon as we came in the door.

Aunt Sharon and Uncle Summy's house is a beautiful old place built sometime around 1900. Famous folk such as FDR and Betty Davis were claimed to have stayed in the house long before the Burr Family owned it. Subsequently, the first night I swore I saw the ghosts of both of those famous folks and the infamous "Lady in the White Dress" who seems to haunt every old home. I had visions of Betty Davis tickling Aedan's toes as he slept in his crib at the foot of my bed. The spooking I felt was all too much for me so I scooped Aedan up and he slept with me for the night! It goes against every safety rule I stand for but I did it anyway. Aedan was my protector that night!

We had a really great time going to the beach and visiting Bear Skin Neck. Aunt Sharon was a fantastic tour guide. We're so thankful to them for showing us such a great time. Aedan purchased his first Red Sox gear much to his dad's dismay. I told him that once the Orioles grow up and start winning some games consistently then perhaps we can get him an Orioles keychain or something :-)

Aedan will be vacationing again this weekend. This time it will be all of us: Pat, Carrick, Aedan and I. We're going to visit Bernie and Steven in North Carolina. Big Brother Carrick and dad will be driving down friday-saturday. Aedan will be taking his first flight on Saturday with me. For only being 3 1/2 months old this boy is learning to travel and getting pretty good at it!

Rolling Over, High Pitch Squeels and Laughter Oh My!

Aedan is going to grow. It's a fact that I have to deal with. I was hoping (unrealistically) that he would stay little for forever! It's not happening which is a good thing medically speaking.

He's now rolling over onto his side. He hasn't quite figured out how to roll onto his stomach yet but I don't think he's interested in taking that step. He's pretty happy rolling onto one side and looking at himself in the mirror in his crib. This morning I noticed that he also likes to put his feet on his mirror which now needs to be cleaned of slobber soaked handprints and footprints.

Squeeling at the top of his lungs has become the norm. He tries to outdo each one by scrunching up his face and squinting his eyes as tight as possible to see how loud he can get. He makes us laugh every time he does it EXCEPT when all of a sudden the clock stikes 7:30 p.m. and the happy squeel becomes an ear piercing scream! We've started calling it the witching hour because in a matter of seconds he goes from sweet, calm Aedan to this irrational monster who acts like he hasn't been fed or slept for days. Forget about consolling him. He's only thinking about two things at this point: boob and bed!

Things are settling in at the Palmer house. I hesitate to say we're in a groove since we never know what tomorrow will bring. But I think in most cases we're pretty good at figuring out what he needs. Aedan might have a different opinion. I'm certain he'll have to go to therapy at some point in his life and will tell his psychologist that his parents completely ruined his life. Upon graduating from high school I'll be sure to give him a gift certificate for 3 free sessions with a therepist "on us."

The Race Is On!

Pat asked my the other day how pumping at work was going. It's not the typical question you get. Examples of typical questions may include:

• How was your day today honey?
• Did you feed the dog?
• What's for dinner?
• What do you want to do this weekend?

Not typical: How is pumping going.

This question among others are actually starting to find there way on the more typical list.

Another question he asked was, "What do you do in the bathroom while pumping?" First of all...why so many questions about the pump? Second of all...how do you expect me to do anything but sit and stare at the two suction cups I'm holding? Perhaps if I had another hand I could actually multi-task my way into doing something else while I'm strapped to an electical outlet!

That conversation got me to thinking about what I'm actually thinking about when I pump. In an effort to do something other than sit on the toilet and stare I've decided to make a race out of it.

Here's how it goes. Let's see which bottle, L or R, can fill up the quickest. L seems to always be more plentiful than R. Why is that? What I can I do to help the moral of R so she's not always lagging behind slowly making L wait until R's caught up. Is there something mechanically wrong with me that one is more productive than the other? Drink more water, eat granola, supplement with Fenelgeek (some herb that sounds too scary to consume) are the general prescriptions for increasing supply. Ok...I'll try drinking more water and eat granola for breakfast. Tomorrow is another day. The race is on!

This is what I've become.

Back to work full time sucks already

Yesterday was my first day back to work full time. This means I'm working a full day of 8:30-4:30. For those of you who know what I do and where I work you're probably thinking, "Come on Sara...it's really not that hard." In reality, the work isn't difficult and I am only a mere 5 minutes from where Aedan spends his day but...

But I am his Mom and he is my boy and I miss him terribly. Yesterday oddly wasn't too bad. This morning however was painful. Aedan woke up a little grumpy and didn't give me his usual cascade of gurgled laughs. Has he forgotten that I'm his mother already? Does he think that I am the babysitter? The guilt I've already been feeling from going back to work has slammed into me once again.

So I sit here counting down the hours until I can pick him up.

Aedan is still as beautiful as ever. I've told Pat that I think of him as our christmas present - each morning I walk into his nursery is like christmas with a perfectly wrapped (and sometimes smelly) little package that it just for us to enjoy.

2 Months Came and Went!

It's hard to believe that Aedan has been with us for a full 2 months now. Even harder to believe is that he hasn't told us yet that he'd like to go back to where he came from. I'm assuming he'll reserve that kind of talk for his teenage years.

So what's new you might ask since I've slacked in keeping this blog updated. Last week we started to get some real laughter. Not the "I'm gasey" kind of laughter but the "Mom and Dad you're both wacko" kind of laughter. It's more of an uncertain kind of noise. I think he truly is trying to laugh but isn't quite sure of what to think of the sound coming out of him. It's sort of like a stuttered laugh. If it's all the same, I absolutely think it might be the best sound I've ever heard. Smiles are quite regular. We've mastered them already. And yes, just like every new mom I do think our kid is a genious!

On the scale we tipped it about 2 weeks ago at 12 pounds 11 ounces. I'm certain that since 2 weeks have passed our anxious eater is probably over 13 pounds. Oy vey! I asked the pediatrician if he was eating too much and gaining too quickly. Heaven forbid, I wouldn't want to contribute to America's staggering fatty problem. Good thing is that as much as he's gaining in girth, he's also gaining in height (24 1/2").

In other news, my maternity leave has officially ended (boo hiss). I returned to work yesterday filled with excitement that my Mommy Mush brain wold finally begin to function normally and I would once again be able to complete a sentence. Upon dropping Aedan off at daycare and heading off to work I felt like a neglectful and selfish mother. Now I'm a feminist (didn't you know???). I'm sooo OK with women working and raising children. But I found myself all of a sudden feeling really crappy about not being able (or really wanting) to stay home with Aedan. Ach! I really thought all of the hormonal craziness would be over once the baby came out!

Did I mention that I only worked for 3.5 hours? Yes, I am a head case. But I've fallen for a little man of only 24 1/2" tall. Can you blame me for being a little crazy?

One Month

I can't believe that four weeks have already gone by. It happened so fast - maybe it's my lack of sleep that's making time go by so quickly.

Aedan is changing everyday and I'm not just talking about the weight gain although it has been substantial. As of last wednesday, he's up to 11.3! The boy loves to eat! I'm starting to have a hard time keeping up with his aggressive eating habits.

He's starting to smile randomly that I believe is not gas related but more about making fun of his mom and dad! The boy makes some of the craziest noises I've ever heard. Beyond normal cooing sounds that you expect infants to do he belts out some earthy grunts that make me wonder if he might be part animal or something! I still haven't figured out what each grunt symbolically means...sometimes it's hunger, wet diaper or just a new kind of past time that he really enjoys doing.

Life is still wonderful with the new man. I tell myself each day that there really is no reason to be sad, upset, fearful or mad about anything these days. I have Aedan to look at and that is plenty reason enough for me to smile.

I'm a BIG BOY!

We went to our first official pediatrician appointment today. Sadly, daddy had to work but we actually survived the visit. Lucky for us it was a visit without any vaccinations! That would've been too much for me to handle.

Aedan is ranking in the 95th percentile for height and weight! He now weighs 9 lbs 8 oz and is 21 1/2 inches long. Any fear I had about him missing out on our daily intake of banana and peanut butter while in utero has faded. Apparently he's doing quite well on his own.

It's been a fantastic 2 weeks! Today is his 2 week birthday and we've had a couple of new firsts:

- He grunts ALL of the time like a little old man and snorts like his momma

- He's beginning to realize he has hands and feet and is flailing them like a wild person - we're working on the control thing

- He knows his mother is a sucker when he cries

- We're not really a fan of tummy time

So all is well in baby world. We're still adjusting to our new life together. We're also still being pooped and pee'd on occassionally. I haven't quite gotten the hang of the "boyness" of him but I'm certain it will come.

Happy One Week Birthday!

We successfully made it through the first week and Aedan doesn't hate us yet.

It's been rather quiet. We've had friends and family stop by to check on the little guy and to make sure Pat and I are still sane which we're proud to say we are. At least we're as sane as the both of us were prior to Aedan.

We've experienced our share of diaper change disasters ranging from him peeing on himself, on the bed, on us, in the eye and in his mouth and then to me thinking I can run quickly downstairs with naked baby in hand to grab some butt paste and not have any accidents. While going downstairs I was bathed with pee and poo. Not a day goes by without learning some kind of very important lesson. We're both a little traumatized by our changing mishaps.

We've also learned a few more tidbits about him:
1. He hates his sponge bath and squeels when the warm wash cloth touches him
2. He's also not a big fan of the diaper change. We don't know if it's because we're awful at it or if he just plain doesn't like them.
3. Butt paste works like magic on red hineys and apparently on chapped lips as well so says the cashier at Burlington Coat Factory.
4. He's very smart and is already following voices.
5. He promised Pat that when he grows up he will be a CEO of a major corporation and be able to buy him tickets to the Masters.

Aedan is still sleeping really well through the night. He wakes up only twice for feedings letting mom and dad get roughly 6 hours of sleep. Not too bad.

I went to the doc on friday to check my incision. All is well and I'm healing properly. I was given clearance to drive and walk around the block instead of just up and down the driveway. Oh, the simple pleasures in life!

I'm happy to report that Aedan seems to like us and might be happy with his parental selection. It's still hard to believe he's here with us and is already one week old! I can't imagine how fast the next days, weeks and years will come.

We're Home!

We were allowed to come home from the hospital Sunday. I can't believe they actually let us keep this little guy. I kept waiting for "his parents" to come and take him away from me and say, "thanks for baby sitting." It never happened thank God.

The past three days have really (knock on wood) gone pretty smooth. This is all subject to change of course but I think for the most part we're pretty lucky to have had such a good start. We might actually be entitled to some smoothness considering the last few months of pregnancy became a little rocky to say the least.

Aedan is sleeping well through the night. We've only had to get up two-three times for feedings or to ease a nervous momma's mind that he's ok in his big boy bed. I don't think the nervous feeling will really ever leave even when he's 32 years old and about to have his own children.

Today was our first pediatrician appointment and he's almost back to his birthweight! We left the hospital with him weighing 8.4 - he had lost 10 ounces. Now, he's back up to 8.12 with only 2 more ounces to go. Apparently even outside of my belly I'm still able to feed him quite well!!

Pat's been wonderful and amazes me every day with how great he is with Aedan. I never doubted it but it's still a really great thing to see just when you thought you've seen it all.

I can't even begin to tell you...

These past couple of weeks have been like a whirlwind. From our ever-changing dues date to going into what I thought was active labor and then finally having to have a c-section - It's been enough to make all of us a little crazy. But he's finally here and it's been one of the most amazing experiences of our lifetime!

I went into labor early tuesday morning around 4 a.m. Later that day we had a pre c-section appt. at 11:30. I wasn't sure if I'd make it or not but we did. Contractions in my mind were pretty hard and coming every 3-5 minutes at that point. Our OB gave us the choice of going home or straight to labor and delivery. We chose to go home and try and stick it out as long as possible. I made it to about midnight when the contractions became a little too hard for me to handle. Our midwife suggested that we go and be given some pain medication so at least I could sleep. I hadn't slept since before 4 am early that day. I think they should've given Pat some pain meds too since the chair they provided him with was awful.

Midwife came in at about 6:30 am wednesday morning to check me. After about 24 hours of what I thought was pretty intense labor, Aedan actually decided to move North instead of South! Still no progression. They said this could go on for about 2-3 days since it was still very early labor. No thank you! C-section is still scheduled!

They came in to prep me at about 2 pm for the c-section. I don't think I've ever been so scared about anything in my life. I'm so thankful to have had Pat with me - his humor and sarcasm are traits of his personality that really helped me make it through coupled with the faith, love and security that I always feel from him. My mom and mother-in law were also with us which certainly gave us both a feeling of peace.

I was brought into the to the room where the surgery would take place. Again, I was scared out of my mind and my legs were shaking nervously. The hospital staff were all wonderful and reassuring that everything would be OK. Music was playing on the sound system - I think I remember it being a Billy Joel song and some other classic rock favorites - the perfect soundtrack for Aedan to have come into this world by in our opinion.

At about 3:11 pm I saw the Dr. pull Aedan out of my belly. It was a surreal experience. I don't think I said anything but a swell of new mommy emotion swept over me. He was beautiful even with all of the stomach gunk on him. His feet are ginormous (thanks Pat) and his fingers are really long. He's either going to be made for speed or become one of the great piano players of our time!

They did all of the medical checks on him and cleaned him up. Pat was able to hold him right away. I was still spread out on the table so it would be a few minutes before I could hold him.

He's more than we ever imagined. This was definitly worth all of the impatient waiting and frustrating moments Pat and I have gone through to finally have this handsome boy with us. He is an amazing gift from God and we are so blessed to have him in our lives.

We send you our deepest apologies Aedan

Ok so....Pat and I are already messing with this kid. It was my one fear that I would somehow cause this child to become disturbed and now it seems it's becoming a reality. However, I cannot alone take the credit.

We had a dr. appointment this morning hoping for some news that the eviction notice we administered yesterday would be upheld and we would soon be able to meet this little guy who has been doing summersaults for the past couple of months inside my belly. It seems that is unlikely - at least for the short term.

Somehow, and don't ask me how, we have had his due date wrong all along. During the appointment Pat made a comment about yesterday being Aedan's due date. The doctor looked through the chart and said, "We have you down as being due April 1st." Pat and looked at each other in astonishment. How could this happen? Did we make up March 26th? Is there any significance to that date that we would just choose it randomly? The doctor said we've apparently had several different dates ranging from March 15th through March 29th and now April 1st. We specifically remember March 15, March 29th and March 26. But April 1st? There was NEVER any mention of that!

It's not like April 1st is that far off from the other dates we've been given so there's no need to worry. But now, I feel horrible for trying to rush the little one into coming early or at least on the 26th when the 26th apparently was a figment of his parent's imagination! What are we setting this kid up for later in life? Poor guy. I really feel for him!

This is for Aedan: Your eviction notice is herewith withdrawn. Massive amounts of apologies for trying to kick you out are directed your way. You now have an extension on your rent for another 6 days. Enjoy it while you can buddy!

Aedan's Eviction Notice on D-Day

There is officially no more room in the inn! We have issued Aedan his two-day eviction notice but at this point he doesn't seem to be listening. I think this is the beginning of an 18 year stand-off of stubborness.

His hesitancy to come into the world could also be a demonstration of other more positive personality traits. For example, he could be showing his strength of character, willingness to persevere and his resistance to peer or parent pressure. Blah, Blah, Blah I say! He'll have plenty of time to show us these personality traits! Enough with the stand-off already!

Pat and I have tried coaxing, assuring him that he will have all of the creature comforts he's been accustomed to inside the womb, i.e. lots of food, sleep, and love. We've tried pleading with him. I've even stooped so far down as to bribe with money, toys, vacations and a life without chores but nothing seems to be working. I've tried to explain that even though his Mom and Dad seem outrageously crazy at times that we're really Ok people that is once you get to know us.

So we wait... but the eviction notice still stands.

Update on Aedan's Progress

I had an appointment yesterday hoping to find out some good news about when this little guy will finally be making an appearance - something he apparently is not wanting to do.

Midwife was a little concerned since I'm already measuring 41 weeks! She snuck my in for an ultrasound which revealed that he is weighing in at about 8 lbs 8 ounces! If you could have seen me when she told me the news you probably would've noticed my eyes bulging out of their sockets and wondering how on earth I am going to survive giving birth to such a large baby - and that he might look like he's two years old already by the time he arrives!

They're choosing not to induce just yet which I'm a little hesitant about doing anway. Maybe something will happen in the next couple of days. Pray that his growth doesn't reach the 10# mark and doesn't cause his mama too much pain. Ouch!

In any case, it's back to the doctor next thursday. My due date is wednesday. Cross your fingers that he comes then or before.

This is Insanity

I should preface this by informing everyone that this is Pat typing so, today rather than a rant from Sara your going to get one from me. What am I ranting about you may ask, what is insane? It's kind of ironic that what I think is insane, what I want to rant about is this blog! It's not the blog itself that bothers me, but the idea that for me to really care, really be excited about the arrival of my son I must pour out all my thoughts and emotions to all of you. Doing this may be important to Sara, I respect that, it may indicate something to all of you who read these things, but to me it's not important. I have chosen to channel my excitement into remodeling the nursery, putting together high chairs, swings, strollers, searching the internet for weeks to decide which is the safest and most comfortable car seat for Aedan to travel in. For some reason these things are not enough for me to indicate my excitement. I'm also anxious and nervous and worried about whether or not we will be good parents; I don't wear that on my sleeve either. See, the thing is, I'm a private person, I choose to keep my thoughts mostly to myself, I don't think its anyone's business what I think, and it upsets me that I need to "blog" for my wife to know I care.

It is, to me, drastically inaccurate for anyone who blogs to think that anyone cares about what you think, or is really that interested in your life. I will, when Aedan is born, post pictures on here for everyone to see, especially those friends and family of ours who are not local. I am not, however, so egotistical to think you want to know my thoughts about any of this. Updates, pictures, they're fine, but I dont need to know any of your thoughts on life or anything else so I wont spill mine to you!

Everday I think about what our son will look like, think about holding him, feeding him, teaching him what I know, how to swing a golf club (not like me), I could go on forever. Most of all I pray, I pray that he will be healthy, happy, succesful, that he will never have to know pain, fear, that this world doesn't continue to rip itself apart. If this is what the world has come to, writing in blogs for all to see, if this is what reveals to people that I care, then I need to pray alot more, because we have reached a point of no return and have become even more shameful of a society than I care for my son to be raised in!

Giddiness!

As predictable and calm as I am, I find myself giddy with excitement. It's a quiet excitement mostly contained inside my head. But last night after eating a yummy turkey sub with hot peppers (which I think Aedan also enjoyed - or maybe that was just gas?) Aedan was moving uncontrollably! You could see body parts bouncing up and down and as he was doing his acrobatics I found myself actually imagining what it's going to be like when he finally arrives!

I know...I've had over 8 months to be imagining this which I have in a casual sort of way. I know that he has to come out eventually and that our casual lifestyle will suddenly be flipped upside down with middle of the night feedings, constant diaper changing and thinking of not only ourselves but now including a little one's needs and wants to the mix. I haven't really freaked about this yet...I'm sure it will happen at some point.

But it was last night and now spilling into today that I really cannot wait until he gets here. I can't wait to see what and who he looks like more. I can't wait to have that baby smell (no matter how good or bad) around me 24 hours a day. I can't wait to be so exhausted and at the same time overwhelmed - feelings I would generally suffer through but because they're put upon me by someone I had a part in creating makes it all worth it. I can't wait to say "my son" or that "I'm Aedan's mommy" or later in life "AEDAN MCLEAN!!!!! YOU ARE BEHAVING JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER SO KNOCK IT OFF!" I can't wait...I can't wait...

I'm thrilled, excited, happy, ecstatic, joyful, overflowing and giddy - even if it's quietly held inside.

Grocery Carts

This is officially a rant. A short rant.

Not that I expect the seas to part as I walk through the store but come on people. It was about a week ago that I really felt like I was a moving target for all things coming my way. Now I realize I'm not really a target at all...people are simply oblivious to the fact that I'm nearly nine months pregnant. Maybe I shouldn't feel upset by this because they show the same inconsideration to 90 year old men and women.

I was nearly side-swiped ten times in the grocery store by renegade shopping carts. When will it ever end?

Patrick: Please Post a Blog!

I am certain that Pat has his own feelings about this pregnancy of "OURS." Please request that he post something by commenting where it says, "add comment."

Scary Speeding Cars

I wouldn't say that I am a fearful person in general. When I was younger I would jump at the chance to bungee, climb water falls, touch bugs, get a new tattoo or piercing, and of course some other not-so-smart teenage activities I regret participating in. In any case, you get what I mean.

As I've grown older some of those more risk taking adventures are beginning to make me cringe. I'm not as daring as I once used to be or sometimes still think I am inside my head. And this babe in my belly has definitly thrown a wrench in my adventure seeking nature! Don't get me wrong, I'm not begrudging the fact that I'm limited in what I can do now, it's just a really strange feeling.

I'm becoming, before Aedan has even been born, a barrier between the scary world and him.

But one thing that I guess people think are barriers has always annoyed me. (I apologize if anyone reading this has actually used what I am about to make fun of.) You know those "Baby on Board" signs you see overly protective parents displaying in their car windows? Like a mere sign will protect the precious little one on board from a car zooming at 100 MPH! It's too late once they can actually read what the small print says. The signs are pretty stupid. Is everyone else free for all if you don't have a baby on board?

Over the past few days however I've been feeling like I really need some sort of signage. It wouldn't be a small yellow sign but would look more like thick, yellow caution tape wrapped all around my car and my body for that matter. I've noticed that I cringe every time a car whips around a corner or when I'm being tailgated by some crazy person. Just this morning as I was walking through the car garage to my office another car zoomed at me like my belly was a target! I find myself saying things (out loud!) like, "Can you not see the belly?" or, "Hello, I'm pregnant, jack@$$!"

If anyone knows of a place I can get some caution tape please let me know. Thanks :-)

Time Is Standing Still.

This is not a rant a complaint but rather an self-proclaimed observation.

You get to a point in pregnancy when there really isn't much left to do but sit and wait. You're waiting for that magical day to happen when all of a sudden you lose your mucus plug (ick! even the word sounds gross!), your water breaks or you begin having contractions. Each of these "events" don't sound like much fun but they do however signify a powerful moment when the pregnancy journey is about to end. Phew!

The nursery is complete - props to Patrick for all of HIS hard work, baby shower thrown, Aedan has enough clothes, diapers and wipes to get him through at least the first week, I've taken my birthing class, am practicing my breathing, and Pat has promised to work on my ipod playlist of soothing sounds that of course will not include any old school LL Cool J or Rob Zombie surprises as motivation to get me through the last stage of birth.

We're now just about 34 weeks in and all I have to do is sit, think and imagine what my life will be like in 6 weeks, give or take. For any of you that really know me, I am no good at waiting. I might very well be one of the most impatient people you know. However, I am able to hide this truth very well but if you were inside of my brain you'd hear a very different story. I'm not proud of it.

Maybe this is God's way of teaching me the art of patience? If he is, I am not a very good student.

No More Rants...

I was brought back to earth by Patrick a few days ago in his oh-so-gentle way of telling me that I've seemed miserable this entire pregnancy. I didn't want nor did I expect to hear that. It really upset me. But sometimes people are able to shed light on our behaviors and attitudes that we aren't able to see through our own rose-colored lens.

P.S. If you ever need someone to do that for you, Pat is your guy!

Anyway, this got me to thinking that when I'm asked how I'm feeling or even if they don't ask I generally focus on my ailments first rather than the really great things I feel. For example, it's great to feel Aedan move around every time I eat bananas and peanut butter. It's not so great to feel the sciatica pain but I've been focusing on the pain. So rather than speaking of negatives I'm only going to talk about the wonderful things I've learned to love.

Here's my list so far:

• The attention. I love attention (just ask Pat!) and my growing belly has given me a bounty of it.


• Wiggles (not the Australian type). Big, giant, body moving wiggles that I now get the pleasure of feeling around the clock.


• Weird bodily functions. I don't have to make up a reason for them...I simply say, "I'm pregnant, what do you expect?"


• Shopping! I can buys lots of really cool stuff for myself and Aedan without one single ounce of guilt. Oh - shoe shopping specifically! My feet are growing therefore I need new shoes!


• Baths! Nightly I can soak myself again without the guilt of feeling like I should be doing something more productive!


• Naps. The baby needs his rest!


• Forgetfullness. I've had an 8 month excuse for forgetting EVERYTHING. It's been blissful. You simply cannot yell at a pregnant woman for forgetting stuff - she's got way more on her mind.
  

The most important aspect of my Pat-induced realization is that I feel like I've been short-changing Aedan which is so not fair. He needs to know how excited his mom and dad are to see his sweet face and that all of the aches and pains I've experienced and subsequently made Pat experience has been well worth it. He needs to know that yes, his mom is crazy and prone to breaks in sanity but above all else, she has lots and lots of love to give her little one.

Doctors are Devils

Early on I was impressed by the compassion and time that the various OB's and midwives took with me. Having never been pregnant before they really met the expectations or lack there of that I had. As I've been cycling through the providers in the practice my non-existant expectations suddenly became very high and then in two different vists were shattered.

Pregnancy is a weird thing. You go from knowing your pregnant but not really because you're not showing yet to all of a sudden feeling very pregnant and the growth on your front side being the focus of EVERYONE's attention. The same is true with my progression at the OB. You go from nonchalant visits to all of a sudden, HOLY CRAP you've gained 10 pounds in 4 weeks and that will increase your chances of a c-section and OH MY you'll probably be in pain so you'll definitly want to consent to an epidural that, by the way, you could DIE from.

What ever happened to treating pregnant women as cherished vessels and not contributing to their already poor body image most likely damaged by images of malnutritioned models?

I want to be a cherished vessel. Don't tell me I've gained too much weight! Do you think I haven't seen my arse growing in the mirror? Do you really think that I think I should have eaten that entire package of cashew nougat archway cookies over christmas? I'm pregnant and I get hungry. So please, medical people... Get off my arse. Be nice to me. Let me eat. Answer my questions without judgement and for the love of pete don't tell me about pain.

Aches and Pains Oh My!

And I'm not talking about Pat either. This week has been full of new feelings - and not the good kind. I was warned that this would start happening sooner or later and that my so far blissful pregnancy filled with not too many complaints (excluding my sometimes normal irrational rantings) would shortly come to an end. I am seriously starting to feel like a geriatric patient who just had hip replacement surgery.

Who ever heard of hip joints that suddenly go out of socket and make it extremely difficult to walk or the pain in my back that won't go away no matter how many times I reposition the damn body pillow that I've now developed a love-hate relationship with. Or the fact that I can no longer shave my legs or other nether regions without becoming breathless just at the shear thought of it.

Really, I shouldn't complain. I should have known this would be coming. But I didn't so now I have many, many more things on my list of complaints that I get to drive Pat absolutely crazy with.

Dr.'s appointment is tomorrow. Stay tuned.

7 months down, 2 to go....OY VEY!

We're starting this a little late in the game but since viewing my girlfriends blog I've all of a sudden developed a burning desire to start our own. So, even though we're 7 months into this wonderful, crazy and scary adventure, I hope to be updating this pretty regularly so that all of our friends and relatives living far and wide can stay up-to-date on Aedan's progress.