A Little Spill

I've heard the stories, you've heard them and perhaps even experienced them. I was warned. I was careful and took precautions.

He still rolled off and terror filled my soul.

Sunday, as I was changing Aedan on his changing table that sits on his dresser about THREE FEET high, I dropped his diaper on the floor. What was once thought of as a quick act to bend down and grab the diaper only to find sweet smiling baby still securly sitting on the changing table is no more. On this particular Sunday, Aedan just had to peek over the side of the table to see what I was doing as I bent down THREE FEET below him. As good as he is at sitting up he wasn't able to fight gravity. He rolled off and I watched him do it in slow motion. I was frozen, unable to catch him mid-fall. It happened so fast as these things do. Luckily, his floor is carpeted. Luckily, he didn't hit his head on the dresser or any other sharp object. Luckily, he had a bunch of angels surrounding him.

I swooped him up tried to make him feel safe in my arms. I cannot begin to tell you how horrible I felt and still do. Pat came running in to see what happened. He wasn't able to ignore the loud BOOM he heard.

I still can't get over it. Aedan's fine and fully recovered. He doesn't exhibit any PTSD as a result. Pat said that he might end up in the slow class now. Whatever...he'll be the smartest kid in the slow class if that's the case!

Apparently I have a perfectionist quality about me as a mom that I'm really trying to deal with. This started before he was born. I wanted a natural birth (no meds), I ate right (most of the time), I did yoga almost until the day I delivered, I read EVERY book about pregnancy and birth, I took a hypnobirthing class, I did the belly cast, I started THIS blog, I breastfeed (yes, still), I make his own baby food, I read to him almost every night (and feel like a slacker when I don't), I take pictures of him all of the time, I talk to him A LOT because language-rich homes is a marker for school readiness, I'm going to water babies with him in January, and once he starts crawling we're going to this gymnastics place to play. What else? Surely there's something I'm missing. (I actually just went back in and added another item. See, there's always something else!).

I think the issue with me is that I'm putting EVERYTHING I have into this one little boy because honestly I'm not sure if we're going to have any more kids. I want him to be able to experience everything I and the world have to offer. I don't want to say, "Crap! I wish we did that with him!" I'm not sure if I'll get a chance for a do-over.

When he fell off the table I was first and foremost worried that he hurt himself. And now that it's been a couple of days all of my neurocies as a failed mother are coming up. When I'm not thinking like a crazy person I know I'm not a failure. It was an accident. I know that. He is ok. He knows I love him.

I'm learning so much about myself as a person and mother. He is teaching me so much about myself - sometimes they aren't lessons I'm prepared to deal with, i.e. obsessive-compulsive routines, patience, etc. I firmly believe people come in to our lives to teach us things about ourselves - good and bad. I am thankful every day for Aedan, for Pat, my family and for friends. I am a work in progress. Please bear with me. I am a work in progress. I am not perfect. I am a work in progress.