Ramblings on Mommyhood

Back by Popular Demand

2010-04-27T05:54:00.000-07:00

Hello there blogosphere! Sorry I've been gone for such a long time. I know you've missed me.

I think we've just really hunkered down in life with the two year old and stuff in general that I haven't had much time to update this blog. I'm not sure what to write anymore or what the purpose of this site should be. Initially I wanted to chronicle my pregnancy and life with a new baby. It's sortof morphed into something else at times but mostly I've stayed on track. I guess I need to figure out if I want to keep the blog or toss it. What do you think world?

Back to Basics: What's going on with the boy?
Diapers are getting crazy expensive. It's really kind of ridiculous when you think about it. Little plastic things that catch poop and pee only to be tossed into the trash and end up in some landfill a week later. I know, I could've used cloth, I could've bought the all-natural decomposing better for the earth kind but hello! i also go to the grocery store with a list and a budget so paying $15 for a pack of 10 diapers was not on my list! It's not that I don't care about our earth b/c if you know me at all you know that is not true! Economically, it's ridiculous!

Anyway, we're starting potty training. Gradually. I posted a question asking for tips on my Facebook page and got a lot of great suggestions (thank you!). The boy is showing all of the signs. He can pull his pants up and down, knows when he's peeing and pooping, and acts emotionally and physically like he's a 3 year old. We'll see. All of our attempts at sitting him on the potty have resulted in him telling us "it doesn't work, mommy." (Looking down at his penis saying that). I know medically speaking that sometimes "it doesn't work" but I'm pretty sure Aedan's just fine and doesn't have some sort of prostate condition at 2. He's such a good sport about it - he'll sit on the potty for 5 minutes trying to pee so he can get the m&m or whatever I'm dangling in front of him as his prize for peeing. Now that I'm typing it, it seems kind of mean. I almost always give in and reward him for just trying which means I've totally ruined the point of 'you've got to do something to earn the reward.' Whatever. My kid.

And true to form, I'm totally obsessing about this. I want to make it work. I need to make it work because I cannot fail. Remember way back in a blog months ago I said I needed to work on not being such an perfectionist when it comes to mothering? Yeah, well, apparently I still need to work on that.

Oy.

Imagination

2010-02-05T11:22:00.001-08:00

What happens to adults when we grow up? Why do we stop playing? It is so much darn fun!

The last few weeks I've been noticing that little boy is teetering into the world of imaginative play! It's wonderful to catch or to sneak around the corner and find him reading to all his stuffed animals neatly THROWN on his bedroom floor.

He's always been a good "player." He occupies himself with his toys and is interested in all of the things little kids at his age should be. He fancies my sparkly high heeled shoes which alarms Pat just a little. Another favorite is playing with mommy's make-up, err, um, I mean, zipping and unzipping the make-up cases and opening eye shadows and that sort of thing. There's no application unless you count the one time he dug into my purse in the back seat while I was driving, grabbed a lipstick tube and as I looked into my rear view mirror had appropriately applied just the right amount of bamboo pink (clinique) onto his pouty little lips! But that's cute, right?

Every other month I comment on his particular age and how much more fun it is than the last. But really, this is a fun age! He can say a gazillion words, for the most part can tell me what he wants and adamantly what he does not want. He snuggles, wishes everyone in the house happy birthday randomly, and plays until he can't stand it anymore. And I plain old love it!

But this imaginative play stuff...it's so funny to watch. He loves to go to his big brother's basketball games and watch him play, for one, because he loves basketball and two for the overly butterd and salty popcorn that comes in the brown lunch bag. So last night, he finds the cupboard with our brown lunch baggies, grabs one and pretends it's full of that wondrous snack we call popcorn. He digs his hand in, snatches some make-believe popcorn and chomps on it likes it's the best he's ever had! Then he proceeds to give me, the dog and Pat some. It's adorable.

This one time (and not at band camp) he was running back and forth between the living room and dining room. He stopped in the dining room, put his hand out like he was the Pope blessing the people and calmly said, "It's OK...It's OK..." I'm not sure at all what this was about. No one else was in the room - that I could see anyway. A little frightening now that I think about it.

The point - this kid gives me great joy. He plays without constraint. He loves without embarrassment. He's the happiest person I know. And he oozes with the kind of joy that everyone needs every day of their life. You need to get it from somewhere because man o' man my heart is full of joy with this kid. I'm not saying you need to have children in order to feel this way, you just need to get the joy from somewhere.

Don't misunderstand. This kid makes me see red sometimes and I know it'll only get worse. I won't be the kind of mother that thinks her kid can't do wrong. (We know who his daddy is for pete's sake! I love you Paddy!) Aedan is manipulative with the sweet way he says I love you at 4:00 a.m. when he doesn't want to sleep in his bed anymore. Or doing all he can to stay up for just one more minute. Or just screaming at me for no good reason. But in some way it's tolerable, we deal with it and all is forgotten. Too bad I can't do this with other people in my life :-)

Side story - Aedan seems to get hit in the head a lot. Last night he ran into a door or something at the YWCA - I wasn't there so I don't have details but apparently it knocked him straight back onto his butt and as he was brushing himself off Pat heard him saying, "Aedan's OK...Aedan's OK." Either he's just getting used to knocks on the head or we've got a super tough kid.

Funny.

This Morning's Lesson

2010-01-14T08:34:00.000-08:00

I learned today that children become reflections of ALL of your bad habits. I apparently have a potty mouth. Not like a gutter snipe but the oh craps, oh shits, and Jesus (that's a bad one!). I effectively turned the oh shit into oh snap! That sounds really funny coming out of a 21 month old white boys mouth!

Not sure what to do about the Jesus other than to just stop saying it. Aedan's daycare provider advised that I just finish the sentence for him. For example:
#1
Aedan: Jesus!
Sara: ...died for our sins (mommy's potty mouth included!).

#2
Aedan: Jesus!
Sara: ...loves me this I know, for the bible told me so!

#3
Aedan: Jesus!
Sara: ...wept. (ok so I probably won't use this but it is the shortest verse in the entire bible just so you know - Jesus wept.)

The thing about this kid is that the words just don't come out randomely. He uses them in the perfect context! So I guess I should be pretty proud of that. Right? He's a genius!

Learning

2009-12-02T06:23:00.000-08:00

What I've learned about 15 year old boys:

1. They are dirty and smelly
2. They are extremely moody
3. They eat a TON. We went through a gallon of milk in two days.
4. They are naive to the world around them. But then again maybe as adults we are just tainted.
5. You really can't explain or reason with them or win any sort of debate because THEY ARE KNOW-IT-ALLS!

These are just a few of the observations I've had so far. And truly, the observations aren't all bad...I'm just pointing out some of the new ones.

But I'm struggling with an issue that I really don't know how to put into words. I think I'm still dumbstruck by the insanity of it. Pat and I are on the same page as far as human rights issues go. Aedan is being raised the same way although he obsessively stares at people who aren't as milky white as his mother. We're working on that! Let's just say it makes me a little uncomfortable and I feel like I have to apologize or something.

Without getting too deep into this topic there have been a few conversations with CTP that raise those little hairs on the back of my neck. I don't know if he's just joking in the way 15 year olds do or being serious. For example, I was watching SYTYCD last night and he made a comment that the male dancers were gay. Whaaaaat? I don't know where that's coming from and it's making me crazy! What is my role? How far can I go?

The environment that has been created in my home is one of understanding and love of all people (well, except people who hurt children). I don't give a flip what people do in their private life or who they love as long as they are being loved. Gay couples should have the same basic human rights as Pat and I do and I certainly don't care if a dancer is gay, straight, orange, or purple. Can they dance? Fantastic!

This is the hard stuff. This is nothing like hiding my pudding or making sure I have a robe on when I get out of the shower. I know what I would say to a friend or family member or my legislator. It's rough terrain with CTP because I'm concerned that what I say will cause problems for he and Pat and court and custody and support. So I step down from my box and lower my flag and hush up.

Reverting

2009-11-19T09:32:00.000-08:00

Someone stole my puddin'...and my morning muffin! That someone was my stepson.

Petty much? Yes, my name is Sara.

In the previous post I said we'd ALL have to learn how to live together.

But that was MYYYYY puddin'! This is territorial Sara speaking.

I'm so lame.

From a Family of 3 to 4 Overnight

2009-11-16T11:47:00.000-08:00

I've blogged before about my rigid, routine ways before. People who know me know I am proprietary about my space. When something is about to change I need it to be done gradually and incrementally. Before bringing Aedan into the world I had a solid 9 months to prepare. That's a good amount of time.

I don't think I've ever used this blog to talk about my stepson other than a rant about his mother and no I won't tell you which post it was from. You'll have to dig for it so there.

CTP is 15 years old. He's a good kid - smart, funny, handsome. It's hard to believe I've know him for the last 12 years. He's sarcastic like his dad which drives me BONKERS! One Pat is manageable...two Pat's is enough to make you crazy and I just know there's a third one on the way named Aedan.

CTP hasn't ever lived with us. We've had the traditional paternal visitation schedule - every other weekend, one night for dinner. Definitely not the kind of schedule that allows for bonding between father and son. Truly, it sucks for dads and moms for that matter that get stuck with a schedule like that. But we've done what we've done for several years now.

Until now. CTP lives with us currently. His choice, well and the court ordered temporary change in visitation. We're trying it out. Seeing if it works. Making sure he's OK with it.

It's going to be a big adjustment for all of us. We're starting the second week and so far so good. It's crazy wonderful to see the bond that's growing between him and Aedan. Aedan's always loved CTP and I think he feels the same about Aedan. Now Aedan wakes up and "Tarrick" is nearly the first word out of his mouth. (The first word is "mommy" of course, duh.) Aedan climbs all over CTP, plays catch and just plain lights up when he enters the room.

Awesome.

There is nothing in the world like love. I love my husband, my family, my child - those are given. To witness unconditional love between siblings is simply beautiful.

So back to my territorial nature. It's hard getting used to him being there around the clock. There are things you can't do with a teenager in the house. There are things Pat and I can't do with a teenager in the house (snicker, snicker, sorry mom.). A lot more rule setting and rule enforcing. Heavens, there's a lot more carting around!

And, I'm still trying to sort out my role as stepmom...am I just the adult friend in the house, do I discipline? At the same time I need to stay consistent for Aedan.

We have roughly 2 years left before CTP goes off to college. TWO YEARS. It reminds me of someone that said, "You really only have 18 years with your children and then they're released into the world." God I hope that wasn't Kate from John and Kate plus 8. Did I really just quote her?

I'm hoping for Pat, Carrick's and Aedan's sake that the "temporary" becomes "official." Pat deserves a chance to get to know his oldest boy...Carrick deserves to know his father...Aedan needs to know and love his brother.

And we're back

2009-10-11T10:02:00.000-07:00

Back from our final trip (hopefully) of the fall. Boy it's been a busy couple of months. Fun but busy.

Just wanted to brief everyone because I know you must be wondering how the flight to and from Texas went. To - fine, he was perfect. From - fine and perfect EXCEPT for the massive explosion of diarrhea as we were curbside checking our bags at the Austin Airport. Thank God my sister was with me because I couldn't have possibly dealt with the airline guy and the crap up the back of my 18 month old at the same time.

So there we stood: stripped down naked baby outside the airport. Sister grabbed naked baby while I nervously rummaged through my about to be checked bag for a clean shirt. Wipes were flying everywhere. I was freaking out. Aedan was crying. I was worried that I'd miss our flight. I need to work on the part where I freak out - it makes him nervous.

We managed to clean little boy up but not without the both of us smelling like the inside of a diaper genie. He soaked through a bit of his pants but the airline guy had already taken my checked bag. So we just dealt with it.

Made it safely to our gate and to our flight. About 15 minutes from landing in Detroit here it comes again. All mothers know that face - the far off distant look of a toddler...the stick straight stature...here comes the red face and sometimes grunt. I apologized to the guy sitting next to us - the pilot had just turned the fasten your seat belt light on so I couldn't change him. I imagined this brown cloud of crap smell filling the cabin and everyone staring at me. Thank goodness there was another kid sitting right behind us that the stench could be pinned on. Sorry kid.

Poor boy had been dealing with diarrhea for about two days of our trip. Now that we're home he's almost back on track. I'm afraid I've managed to convert this child to my crazy world of routine. Screw with the routine and you're messed up for the day, week or whatever. Flexibility is not my strong suit.

So here we are again. Happily home. Ready for Fall.

Bad Mommy Blogger

2009-09-30T07:37:00.000-07:00

I need to get myself on a blogging schedule to update this at least once a week. I don't dread writing...on the contrary, I often find it a little therapeutic much to my husband's dismay (read his comments about hijacking the boys blog). Blogging is free. Seeing a therapist is not.

We obviously survived the plane ride to NC last month. It was fine and Pat and I both retained our sanity. Travelers luck we do not have. Something always happens and if by chance it doesn't we find ourselves frozen in fear not knowing how to function. It makes us more resilient I say!

This particular trip, we arrived without a hitch and safely back to Elmira. Our luggage and CAR SEAT however did not make it. My mom was nice enough to drop my car off at the airport so we could easily drive home without making family or friends go out of their way to pick us up. But we didn't have a car seat. I hope the po po isn't reading this because Pat drove home while I nervously tried to keep Aedan seated in the back seat with me. Don't be fooled...17 month olds don't sit quietly in the back seat without being firmly strapped into a car seat. It was awful but we eventually arrived home safely.

The luggage made it home too at about 11pm.

It was a nice little weekend visiting with our NC family.

Aedan and I are about to embark on our 2nd solo flight - the 1st time he was 6 months old so really, all I needed to do was attach him to me and all would be well. This time, he's 18 months, I can't attach him anymore because, well, he's over that, and now all he wants to do is explore, on his own, away from me, and obviously not be confined in a small cabin flying half-way across the country. God bless the poor schlub who has the bad luck of sitting next to us. As usual I build myself up for the worst case only to make the reality seem a little lighter. Welcome to my brain now get out as fast as you can!

We're going to visit my sister in Texas and I am super excited to see her.

That's our life as of now. The fall is bringing all sorts of new adventures and beauty that Upstate NY has to offer. We went apple picking and to Farmland where little billy goats were nibbling on Aedan's hiney. In a few weeks we'll be going to Iron Kettle for our pumpkins, candied apples, apple pie and kettle corn! It's so much fun doing the things I remember doing as a kid. Whats more fun is experiencing them through little boy's eyes. He is amazed by the world...ladybugs, airplanes, rain falling, his pop-pop and Go Dogs Go books. I need to try and help him hold on to that amazement for as long as he can.

Another Adventure

2009-09-02T06:12:00.000-07:00

Last time I flew with Aedan he was only 7 months old. Tomorrow Pat, Aedan and I are flying to Wilmington, NC to visit family but this time Aedan isn't a sedentary 7 month old, he's a rambunctious and highly active, silly 17 month old!

We're both a little nervous about the flight. It'll be fine. I'm sure it'll be fine but I envision tantrums - the back arching kind that make you grind your teeth and smile attempting to make people believe that this kind of behavior is out of the ordinary for your kid when you know all along that making him sit for a full hour is just not logical. Ugh, I say!

I imagine trying to get though security with our jogging stroller and them not letting me gate check it.

I imagine our checked car seat getting lost somewhere between here and there.

I imagine the darn pack-n-play getting lost by FedEx Ground because ya know we had to ship it for 40 stinkin' bucks!

I've considered drugging him for the flight but that just doesn't seem right. I've got to deal with it sooner or later because in October I'll be flying with him BY MYSELF ALL THE WAY TO TEXAS! This adventure is like a preview of what I'll be doing in October. It'll be fine. He'll be fine. I just might lose my mind though.

I know what it's like flying on a plane with "that parent with the kid(s)." I used to get really annoyed at them and mumble to myself that I wish there were planes just for people with kids. I would count to ten to make myself not turn around and give the kid who's kicking the back of my seat with an evil eye. When I flew to Africa there was a kid probably about 10 sitting next to me who ended up needing the puke bag in the pocket of the seat as we were making our decent. I felt really bad for him of course but couldn't help to think WHY OH WHY do I always get stuck sitting somewhere in the vicinity of someone's kid nevertheless a puking kid? You know what happens when you're next to someone puking? You start to get the dry heaves sort of like in the movie Stand By Me but thankfully I didn't need my puke bag.

It's all come back to bite me in the ass. Doesn't it always? I always say, "Don't put something out in the world if you don't want it to come back to you!"

So between now and our flight I'll be trying to do everything I can to make this trip go as smooth as possible. Wish me luck. Wish me sanity.

I love it!

2009-08-24T06:01:00.001-07:00

As I parked my car in front on "Yenny's" house, I walked around to get Aedan out. Before I unbuckled him I said, "Can Mommy have a goodbye kiss?" Not expecting him to do it, he leaned forward, open his mouth as wide as he could, and planted one slobbery kiss on me! My goodness!

That has got to be one of my favorite mommy moments. It magically melted the crappy start to the morning I was having.

I can't believe it!

2009-08-13T11:49:00.001-07:00

After 52 years of smoking my dad finally quit! I can't stinkin' believe it.

I've been disappointed by my dad about a gazillion times but I can honestly say I'm proud of him for doing this. And...for anyone who says they can't quit or it's too hard, come on now! He was 15 when he started and now he's 67, wore the patch for like 2 months and hasn't had a cigarette since January.

Unbelievable.

What's more...

I seriously need to work on my dad-issues because I no longer have the cigarette smoke as an excuse not to see him or to bring Aedan to his house. Now if he could only work on some of his other toxic issues all would be well.

A girl can wish.

All DONE

2009-08-03T07:25:00.000-07:00

Our two new favorite words but actually they're getting a little annoying. It's one of those things that can be sweet at first but when they're over said, annoying.

Little boy is so sweet but he's 'ALL DONE' with everything...breakfast, lunch, dinner, water, pooping (potty training should be a cinch!), and yesterday's latest: the Victoria Secret sales lady who was measuring my newly shrunken boobs! (This is for another day but I thought pregnancy and breastfeeding were supposed to increase my size not drop me down a full cup AFTER I was through breastfeeding! Perks of pregnancy? I think not!)

Yesterday little boy and I went to the mall since I had a free panty coupon for Victoria Secret. I thought I should probably get re-measured since I stopped breastfeeding. When the lady came over with her measuring tape Aedan started to look at her in terror and screamed "ALL DONE! ALL DONE! I was standing there looking down at him and for a split second thought he was going to swat the lady. Luckily he did not.

Then the dissapointing measurement. We left the store quickly but not before I could get my free pair of panties. I was ALL DONE!

Water Fun

2009-07-14T06:28:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks I've been taking Aedan to the pool. They've got this great little kiddy pool that slopes down gradually. The deepest the pool gets is probably 1 foot.

Each time we go Aedan gets in the water with a little trepidation at first then he warms up to it. He's got a swimming diaper on so hopefully he's not warming the water around him :-)

Anyway, they've got all sorts of pool toys...balls, boats, sand and water buckets. They've got this little tikes house so when he gets tired with the water he can go and play in the house. Lots of fun.

We usually go at times when there's not a whole lot of people there. Maybe just a few families or mom's rather with their little ones. We made it through two visits to the kiddy pool without an episode.

Third visit = episode.

What are you supposed to do when your 15 month old goes up to an infant and throws a ball in her face? I know he doesn't get that she can't play with him and that she probably doesn't want a nerf ball thrown at her. Thank God it was nerf! The mother just sort of looked at me like I was the worst mother in the world and with a questioning eye said why haven't I taught my son not to throw stuff at people! The nerve of me!

The thing is that he's 15 months old but seriously looks like he could be almost 3! I wanted to yell this at the other mother. My boy is almost 3 feet tall! He's a big kid. He's not just walking but running. He knows a ton of words. I was beside myself that he threw the ball at her and had that panicky feeling in my chest.

We went to the pool yesterday and I was hoping we were the only ones there. We weren't. There were two other little kids younger than Aedan I think but who knows with my giant 15 month old. The whole time we were there I was literally following his every move saying, no no Aedan, not too close. Throw the ball over here Aedan. Move away from the little girl.

It was exhausting for me and I don't think it was much fun for him.

We're "trying" to teach him manners and such - as much as you can at this age praying that what we say will stick. I just have one thing to say to all of you parents out there with small kids - watch out for my son (just kidding) - seriously - please let my kid be a kid even if he mistakenly throws a nerf ball at your kid. He just wants to play and doesn't understand proximity yet.

And, please don't give me your looks. It makes me feel like I'm a bad mom and then I just want to curse and beat you up.

Curly tails

2009-06-29T06:26:00.000-07:00

Did you know that on factory farms they snip the little curly pig tails off of baby pigs soon after they're born? They do this because they take piglets away from their mothers when they're still nursing (ten days old!) and throw them into a barn filled with hundreds of other piglets. Piglets still have the sucking reflex and want to nurse but they can't so they start to chew and suck the pig tail in front of them.

To avoid this, the farmers nipp the tail at the bud.

Awful. Just awful. I can't eat pork anymore.

I declare!

2009-06-25T12:10:00.001-07:00

I'm having a rummage sale Saturday and am NOT selling any of little boys, little boy clothes, bouncy chair, horsie swing, um, what else? NOT selling my breast pump, bottles, nursing bras, maternity clothes, or infant swing. NOT doing. not doing it. N-O-T doing it.

Just wanted to be clear.

Mourning

2009-06-24T11:10:00.000-07:00

Let me start off by saying we had another floater. I think he's doing it on purpose now. Ick!

Motherhood has seriously twisted my brain. Decisions made that I was pretty secure in and the ways I had defined my life have flip flopped and turned upside down. I've really been fine with it with the exception of a few emotional collapses. Thank God Pat is there to pick me up and bring me back to reality that my life really is good, we have a loving family, food in the fridge, jobs, health, etc. Those things are often hard to see when I'm in the middle of a serious, fetal position - my life sucks - I'm a horrible wife, mother, state of mind.

As it goes, another chapter has turned in my life as "mom." Aedan is officially weaned...I on the otherhand am not weaned.

Nursing was one of those things I was positive would not be something I even cared to try. The thought of me nursing grossed me out. I was totally fine with other women who chose it but I wasn't going to. Once I got pregnant it all changed. As soon as the nurse handed him to me I started nursing, he latched right on, all was good. It became our private time, our time to be close and quiet. I wasn't one of the moms who nursed in public. I escaped to my room upstairs, nursed and watched little boy drift...I'd eventually drift too. It was a very peaceful time when I could just look down on this beautiful little boy and think just how awesome the experience of becoming a mother has been and how it simply is unimaginable not to have him with us. I would soak in the sweet splendor of his smell.

Over the last few weeks he could take it or leave it. I needed to get the hint: He's just not that in to you. It's not like I forced him to nurse. I stuck to our morning and evening routine but the time spent became shorter and shorter. I resisted the (subtle) pressure I had been getting from some family and friends...the questions about when I was going to stop. I would always respond, when he's ready. I forged ahead.

Last weekend we departed from our morning routine and he was fine as expected. He drank milk from his sippy cup and ate cheerios with me on the couch while watching Sesame Street. It was fun. He giggled everytime Elmo showed up on the screen or was that Elmo's cousin? (New task: learn Sesame Street characters.)

I had a lovely dinner out with friends last night. Pat was in charge of getting Aedan down. I realize that he's also started a new chapter. The night time routine of bed, book and bath is not only mine but can be shared between mom and dad. It's his turn to enjoy a slice of the quiet, peaceful alone time I've had with Aedan over the last 416 nights (+,-).

It's bitter sweet. I have a little more freedom without (some of) the worry about whether he's in bed sleeping or running around like a lunatic looking for me. On the other hand, when I got home, a piece of me wanted to know he was difficult, screaming bloody murder and calling out my name.

He wasn't. He was calm. He let Pat rock him a little and then he was ready for his bed.

It reminds me that our children are only ours for a very short time. Time is going by and it makes me a little sad.

Beware of the Floater

2009-06-17T16:46:00.001-07:00

Ahh bathtime. We give the little boy a bath every other night, sometimes every night depending on how dirty he's gotten that day. For fourteen months it's been the same routine: go upstairs, take clothes and diaper off, let Aedan run around naked acting silly, run bath, put all of tub toys in tub, grab towel and wash cloth, put Aedan in tub. Let the cleaning and playing commense. After a few minutes of playtime and splashing we're done. Ready for bed.

Being a creature of habit as I am this really is how every other night when there's a bath involved goes. I know, I'm pretty boring.

Last night a HUGE wrench was thrown into the program. It's called a floater! I've heard about other kids doing this but so far we've been lucky. I mean, we haven't escaped the golden shower in and outside of the tub but that's been ok. I've dealt with it.

(GRAPHIC)
As I was getting ready to take Aedan out of the tub, all of a sudden, two brown poops came floating by me. He was standing in the tub and they just dropped out! I understand that at this age he doesn't have control but I freaked. It was disgusting!!! I yelled for Pat who didn't respond. I yelled again, no response. I YELLED for a third time and finally got a "what?" "Bring me paper towels and a plastic bag," I yelled. Meanwhile Aedan was giggling but as I was bending over the tub trying to keep him out of the minefield of shitake, I kind of freaked him out. It was so gross.

I drained the tub handed over the boy who barely escaped the poo to Pat. As I was cleaning fecal matter out of the tub I couldn't help to think that this is what my life has come down to: scrubbing shitake out of the very thing that is supposed to make us clean. My life really has changed. It was a very humbling moment. A very gross moment but humbling all the same.

Kate?

2009-06-14T18:15:00.000-07:00

Pat and Carrick said that my new haircut makes me look like Kate Gosslin! I'm not sure what to make of this.

If they had said it a year ago I wouldn't have made a big deal of it (in my head). But now, now that Kate has really done of the deep end and the foundation of the show has turned from a glimpse into every day life with eight kids to an over-the-top look at how a TV show has turned a Pennsylvania family into money makers and mean-spirited people maker and into product placement galore, my reaction to the comment has me wanting to chop off my already short cropped hair!!!

Why don't people get it? You simply CANNOT make any kind of comment about a woman's hair unless it is, "Honey...you are so cute, so beautiful! I didn't think you could look any more beautiful but this haircut is perfect for you!" It's a pretty easy thing to do in my mind.

Needless to say, any snarl of my lip, request without a "please" or snarky remark got me the "Now you really do look like Kate Gosslin!" Arg!

not too much

2009-06-11T11:47:00.000-07:00

I feel like to should be writing something...something profound...something deep...something awesome but the words aren't there. I don't want to force them to come because then they won't be real but full of empty meaning. I'm tired. My husband hears it from me all of the time. Seems like no matter how much sleep I get I'm still tired. blah blah blah. I think I need to eat more greens.

On the other hand Aedan IS awesome - a truly magical gift that makes me smile even on my most tired of days. Last night we feel asleep together when I was nursing him at 7:30 pm! That was funny. I'm glad my stepson didn't walk in the room to see that. He'd be ruined for life, I'm sure!

Speaking of my stepson...that's a topic I can write about. He's 15 and lately Pat's said like 4 or 5 times that the conversation he's going to have with Aedan (once he's old enough) about CTP and why he's only at our house every other weekend is going to be awkward. I told Pat that he simply needs to tell Aedan that in his (Pat) younger days he was a "playa!" But seriously, that will be a toughie - how do you explain to your son that he and his brother have two different mothers but the same father? Now if it were me talking to Aedan about (and I'm certain everyone will be better if I don't) I would have to say, "Aedan - your dad, while he is oh so smart, was very, very dumb when he was younger, and one day, because he was so dumb he met this ugly, horrible person who, with her wicked, wicked ways, slipped a roofie in his drink. Daddy had no idea what happened to him but then 9 months later CTP was here. We're all very happy that CTP is here but that wicked, ugly, mean other person who shall never be named only lives like 2 blocks away." See, I would be no good at that conversation. You'd think that after almost 11 years I'd be over this. Um, not so much. God help me to be over this.

I'm assuming (ass=me) by the time that conversation needs to happen Aedan will probably have friends with similar family dynamics. Maybe it won't be so strange. Who knows. All I know is that when CTP comes to our house Aedan's face lights up like the carnival just came to town!

We were really worried about the age difference between the two of them but I think it's working...for now anyway. Love is love no matter how many years are spaced in between. He's a great older brother to Aedan. He does all of the things he should do - makes goofy faces, kicks the soccer ball around, plays on the floor, sticks his tongue out to get Aedan to do it back, etc.

Love is nice.

Longing for the Sick Days

2009-06-04T12:45:00.000-07:00

Not really. I truly do not wish sickness on our little one. We are five days post-hospital visit and raging fever and I'm happy to say that Aedan is back to acting like a "normal" 14 month old. Thank goodness!

However, we couldn't help to think last night as we were
- closing the bathroom door for the tenth time (so he couldn't play in the toilet water) or,
- putting the tupperware back into the cupboard at the end of the night or,
- putting the cat food bowl out of hands reach or,
- closing the tub that contains the dog food (b/c he thoroughly enjoys grabbing hand fulls of dog food and throwing it to Bailey) or,
- turning the garbage can towards the wall (so he wouldn't throw garbage on the floor, feed the dog, or eat it himself),

that, in a small space of our hearts we wanted the hours of snot-filled cuddle time and sweet kisses back (minus the fever). There certainly are more "ors" but I'm making myself tired typing them because tonight is a new night afterall and we're going to do it all over again!

Oh sweet boy whatever did I do with my free time before you arrived?

ER

2009-05-31T13:49:00.000-07:00

No, not the tv show. We made our first trip to the hospital last night with little boy at about 10:00 pm. I really thought my days of visiting that section of the hospital at that time of night had passed by when I left my job at Rape Crisis. I've always felt strange being in a hospital at that time of night. Even stranger are the other people in a hospital at that time of night. But I guess I can't judge them anymore since we were one of the strangers.

Aedan was running a high temp all day Sunday. We took him to see the doctor Sunday morning to be told he had a virus of some sort and to treat him with Motrin or Tylenol. Ok, we can do that. All day long he was a sad little boy, clingling tightly and looking so sad with dark circles under his eyes.

At about 9pm after trying to get him to go to sleep he was so hot that it felt like his touch might burn us. We took his temperature again and it was a whopping 105.3! Time to call the doctor who then called us back and sent us to the ER.

Pat let Aedan and I off at the front door while he parked the car. We sat down and a weird looking guy looked right at me and said, "Does he have diarrhea?" What? No. Not hello. Not hi. A question about diarrhea! Do I know you? Then he said, "well there's a nasty virus going around." Ok thanks, weird guy in the ER!

So then we checked in. The nurse who "helped" us acted like she couldn't be bothered. Aedan was screaming. The bitchy nurse asked a few questions, told us to go sit down and left. Thanks. urgg!

When we finally saw the doctor Aedan's temperature had gone down quite a bit to 102. He's got an upper respiratory virus. Again, there's nothing that can be done for it except Tylenol and Motrin around the clock to keep his fever down which will then keep his head from exploding. It's an awful feeling knowing that we can't do anything to "fix" him. I guess the only good thing about the visit last night was that it didn't really take too long and the doctor on-call was pretty nice.

After a night of no sleep for Pat, Aedan and I, he's now peacefully spooning Pat on the couch trying to make up for some lost zzz's. So cute.

One Year Post Baby Doc Appointment

2009-05-21T07:25:00.000-07:00

My one year annual check-up was yesterday. I was feeling fine about it- I had a list of questions I needed answering. Most importantly, how I can I "fix" my slightly herniated belly button back into the lovely inny it once was. No luck until it causes me pain. I've also got diastis abdominals - basically means you can fit a figure width between my abs. Kinda gross.

I was lucky to have my fave midwife do the exam, Hope. She's a cute, short and full little lady with a THICK latin-american accent. I think she might be from the Domincan but I'm not sure. Anyway, it was nice to see her. She walked in with chart in hand. First thing she said, "WOW, you lost ALL of your baby weight plus some!" See why I love her? Give a girl a compliment about how skinny she is and you'll be her friend for life! (superficial - whatever!)

As I sat there with my scratchy paper dress in the cold, cold exam room, my mind wandered back to the last gazillion times I sat in that room. I looked up at the wall at all of the posters that show fetal development. I remember Pat being squeezed into the tiny room sitting in a chair and how he came to nearly every one of our appointments. I remembered the first time we saw our little human on the ultrasound. I used to concentrate really hard on the particular stage I was in each time I went for a check-up. I'd imagine little boy swimming around or kicking me. Now that little boy is 13 months old with more spirit and joy than I thought was possible.

I really thought I'd get the shakes from entering that office again. I'm dramatic folks. I had a pretty easy pregnancy as pregnancies go. Not much went wrong. But pregnancy is hard work and parenting even harder. I guess before my feet entered the office threshold I thought I was hitting for the "no more babies" team but then as I was sitting there I found myself inching towards the "maybe reconsider" team.

I know I can't base a MAJOR life decision on one moment or experience in time. But what I did realize is that my commitment to not having anymore kids isn't a commitment at all and that camping out it in the "maybe" territory for awhile doesn't have to be a deal breaker.

Potential

2009-05-08T09:18:00.000-07:00

Clearly I've hijacked this blog for my own purposes. Mostly, it's out of not wanting to start another blog. I'll try to keep my posts as balanced as possible with updates about the every changing little human in my life and my own search for balance and growth as a mother, woman, wife, daughter, person. The end.

Ok -new post.
This is for someone in particular. I will not name names. You know who you are. This is what Aedan would say to you if he could say more than dadda, momma, banana, vroom, all done, juice, fish, doggy, kitty, all done, nanana (with finger usually pointing at me).

Aedan would say:
Make me proud. Go forward. Trust yourself. Fullfill your dreams. Grab the destiny that has been laid out before you. Complete the plan for your life. Take a chance. You will succeed. I will be ok. Ignore naysayers - they're pretty dumb anyway. Learn transcendental meditation. And, for the love of pete stop talking to people who make you feel bad about yourself.

Ok, now I'd like some juice.

Opened Can of Worms

2009-04-29T11:33:00.001-07:00

My last post. I fear I opened a can of worms. Friends and family have asked me if everything's ok or have told me that they've gone through similar things. It's a nice thing for people to be concerned with my mental well being. It's also comforting to know that others have been down my same path before.

It's been about a week since that post. I'm still feeling the same way but now I have this nagging, tugging feeling...almost like a homework assignment that I keep putting off until the last minute. I know I should get started but I don't have the motivation to start. Or, maybe I just don't know where to start.

I'm tired of reading self-help type books in part because I'm not really sure what kind of help I need. Another part of not reading the books is because they end up drudging up way more stuff about myself then I'm capable of handling at the moment. I also have a tendancy to over relate to issues people have going on in their own lives. I took a class in college called Chronic and Communicable Diseases - after each disease we studied I was certain I had it on some level. You see what I mean? I guess I feel like that if I read anything more then I will either, a. come out with a longer list of issues than what I started with, and/or b. I will become overwelmed by the identification of all of the issues I never knew I had.

I'd like to find a way to work on this in baby steps. I'd like to go deeper within myself and really focus on the "me" that is under construction. I'd like to meet and be my genuine self - someone that doesn't constantly feel the need to live up to anyone elses standards except for her own , say the right things, and be the "yes" girl all of the time.

I have strong desire to revisit the person I was when I was 10. That seemed like a really good age before things really became mucked up by dysfunction.

I apparently also need to start a different blog - those of you hoping for an Aedan up date got this instead. Sorry. I don't really want two different blogs.

Somethings been bugging me...

2009-04-23T08:28:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've lost something this past year. I'm not sure what it is. I think I chalked it up to being pregnant, then a new mom, then a working mom, then finding my groove. I think I've got the hang of parenting at the moment until little boy throws another curve ball at me. I'm constantly learning.

It's this other nagging feeling that I'm getting. NO - not the nagging feeling to have another! It's more like I don't know who I am sometimes. Women wear different hats all day long. I was able to interchange them with frequency every day without missing a step. Now, I don't know which hat to put on, how long to keep it on, sometimes I feel like I'm in a fog, sometimes I'm really in a fog. Sometimes I feel stupid like my brain has been sucked out. I'm not sure which direction to go. The only thing that I know for certain is my daily routine. I'm doubting myself at work, at home, in my marriage. I've been quiet about this...haven't told anyone, really. I know Pat's noticed...he chalks it up to bad things I did when I was younger - pre-Patrick. I don't think that's it. I'm a bottler so all of this sharing stuff with anyone who cares to read my blog is kind of freaking me out right now. Blogging about mommy stuff is easy because it's not so personal. What is personal is the stuff inside my head. It's like a box that hasn't been unlocked - at least for public viewing.

Anyway, that's what's going on with me. I'm a bit of a head case, all wrapped up in my own head of course.

Whatever was I thinking?

2009-04-08T17:39:00.000-07:00

I wasn't. That's the answer.

Pat, Aedan and I went to Chili's for dinner tonight. We always get the Queso as an appetizer. It looks disgusting but it is oh so good! Not good for you...just good.

I decided to give Aedan a little try of this goodness. Bad idea. Why was it a bad idea? Because apparently it is spicy. I can't tell because my spice radar isn't very sensitive. I can basically eat chili peppers without breaking a sweat! One year olds on the other hand don't possess this talent. Oops! He started crying, looking at me in a panic with eyes tearing up. Pat the savior a.k.a good parent took him and calmed him down and got him to drink some of his milk. I swear the kid kept looking at me like I was trying to kill him.

Honestly I wasn't.

That led to a conversation about the things that have sort of just happened in the last year.

The list:
1. Aedan rolls off changing table from 4 feet off the ground as I bent down to grab a diaper.
2. Aedan rolls off ottoman as I turned my back.
3. We're eating cubed stead, one of the toughest meats to chew as an adult, and I decide Aedan can eat it too with his lone two bottom teeth. They can't do it so don't try it with any other little human.
4. Aedan is outside on a gorgeous day playing with his new popper toy, gets moving too fast, tumbles over and falls on the side of his face. He's bleeding from his forhead and nose - sidewalk brush burns in both places. Looks at me again like I'm trying to kill him.

I think those are the major items. Mind you, each of these events have happened while Aedan's in my care. Aedan is in my care about 90% of the time since I'm of course his mom, still nursing and his dad leaves for work at the crack arse of dawn to drive an hour away. He also works some weekends so again, Aedan's with me most of the time. I bet that if it were the other way around the owner of the incidents would be him but it just feels really crappy to imagine him with his magnificent halo while I, the parent who happens to be there when the injuries occur, has a tipped, cracked and tarnished paper-mache hoop around her head.

We were talking about it at Chili's and joking of course but I can't help to think that I'm just really dumb sometimes. I tend to forget that little boy is just that, a little boy. He's doing so much so fast. Eats so much so good. Walks so fast so far. But inside this speed-boating-through-life little kid he's still a baby. It's such a tug and push kind of feeling this parenting thing. Wanting to teach, wanting to share at the same time not doing too much too soon. It's a constant two steps forward, stop and evaluate, one step back, pause, ok move forward, now catch up with him...

At least I know one thing for sure: no queso until at least 5.

Daycare decision

2009-04-06T17:45:00.000-07:00

For all of you who were biting your nails wondering what I was going to decide about daycare...
We've decided to keep Aedan right where he is. He's happy, we're happy. It's all good. No need to see if the grass is greener on the other side because we're quite content with the patch we're on.

We still need to find a back-up patch though. So if any of you know someone who'd love to take the little human on th every rare occassion that I can't miss work let me know. Oh - they need to be safe of course. No criminals.

To my little boy

2009-04-03T08:41:00.000-07:00

Happy 1st Birthday Sweet Boy. You will never fully know how loved you are, how much you have changed me and our world, or how every day is still like Christmas morning when I walk into your room. This first year has been a whirlwind of fun, love, laughter, and lessons in patience.

The smell of your skin makes me happy.
The sound of your laughter makes me happy.
Your toothy grin makes me happy.
Your bow-legged walk makes me happy.
I love every single second that I spend with you.

You are by far the most magical and wonderful gift God has given your daddy and I. We love you so much. Thank you for choosing us to be your parents. We promise to always be good to you and to make you a little crazy too (it's inevitable).

Birthday party is tonight. I'll be sure to post some gooey first cake pictures later.

Breaking up is hard to do

2009-04-01T11:13:00.001-07:00

Should I or shouldn't I. Pro's and Con's. T-lists. Nothing is helping me to make a pretty difficult decision. One day it's yes, the next it's no. Oy vey (which actually means "Oh woe is me").

We've had a terrific in-home daycare provider. I mean, she's been really good. She lives in our part of the neighborhood, is a stay-at-home mom, has a five year old son, takes Aedan on walks, to the library, to Toy's R Us...the list goes on. She accepts my sometimes strange parenting style and vegetarian/organic dietary requirements when I'm pretty sure she's laughing - not a mean laugh but the ones I usually get from parents who have "already been there and done that" kind of laugh (I know many of you do this to me too!). I can go to the gym before i pick him up and don't feel (too) guilty for leaving him there while I take some me time. She made Pat a father's day card from Aedan, sent my mother a Christmas gift (Aedan under the Tree in a framed photo), made valentines for all of the kids in their own special bag, bought Aedan his first walk-behind toy, etc.

The last couple of months have been tough. February-March are designated as "sick months" in Upstate NY. Seems like everyone gets sick with either the flu, cold or sinus infection. I think she, her son, Aedan, me, and some of the other kids have had something or other at one point. The issue: I don't have anyone that can take Aedan as her back-up when she gets sick or has an appointment. I've had to call-in to work, take time off, leave early, etc. It's been a lot in just a few months. I'm starting to get worried about taking so much time from my job. I can't keep it up. I need to find an alternate provider.

So I went to the YWCA infant program yesterday to enroll Aedan. It was fine. I mean, it was ok. I didn't love it. It's in our old drive-by shooting neighborhood but in Elmira there aren't many "safe" places left. I felt like I was cheating on Jen the whole time even though I told her at probably one of the worst times...when she found out she had thrush! Nice Sara - tell the poor girl you're thinking about dumping her when she's sick! Very nice.

Anyway, the Y...it was clean, there were toys and other kids who seemed happy, some were eating snacks - GROSS Kraft cheese and macaroni crackers which are loaded with other crap that no one should EVER be eating. Food is included in tuition...more crap food I'm certain. Not the Gardenburgers i thoughtfully feed Aedan and that Jen puts up with microwaving or the curried cous cous that makes his breathe smell like shitake.

I asked about structured curriculum. They've had one for about a year but haven't started to use it. What??? I'm pretty sure the CF purchased it for them too! What??? ok. Relax.

ALLLLL night I was weighing our options, trying to think what would be best for Aedan first, us second. He's been with Jen a year, they've bonded, he loves her, I've bonded and come to know her, enjoy her, commisurate with her over sleep, eating and behaviour issues. She knows and loves Aedan...knows his fear of strangers. Come to find out this was one of her chief concerns over him going to the Y - transition and strangers, him not knowing them and them not knowing how to take care of him.

But then I come back to the reliability issue and it seems like there hasn't been much of that lately. She's going to get sick, life things are going to come up. I get that. But, I can't not go to work. I'm not one of the lucky ones who can stay home. Why won't anyone back me up??

I've never had to fire anyone and I cringe at that word. I won't even say that's what I might have to do. To think that I would be responsible for changing the course of someone's life so drastically cannot be my lot in life - even if it's the best thing to do. (I'm dramatic...I know it won't put a horrible financial pinch on them. but I'm sure it'll be an adjustment of some sort.)

That's not to say I won't make a difficult decision or leave an unhealthy environment because I've done that plenty 'o times before. You know it! And for those of you who are able to remember instances and are thinking of them at this moment (PAT among others)...I'm not saying I've always "left" the appropriate way. I've learned that there are better ways. Whatever! I'd rather break-up, retreat, avoid, dump, split, restructure, dissolve, disband, fade out, fade away, but anything, anything other than the f word. Deal with me and my ways!

But, if it's such as easy decision why am I wrestling over it so much? Why when Aedan wakes me up in the night am I still thinking about it. What is my gut saying? argg...

I told her I felt like I was breaking up with her. I'd have to schedule a time to go and "get my stuff" from her house, i.e. pack-and-play, extra diapers, etc. It's just like when you end a relationship...you need to go get your special pj's shampoo, and toothbrush you've kept there. That's going to be a hard one.

This kid-raising thing is sooooo hard. Seems like whichever path I take there are bound to be pot holes of some sort. Maybe the right thing isn't about making a this or that choice at all. I always see things as black and white which they aren't a lot of the time. I'm usually at one of two extremes...high or low, right or wrong, best or worst, love and hate. There's middle ground. I just don't seem to find it or try to find it. I need to work on that. Maybe that's what I need to do here. That's the lesson. Try to find a way to patch-work this situation into working and making sure little boy is happy.

Nasal Cleanse

2009-03-30T17:42:00.001-07:00

I'm digressing a little from my standard blog about all things related to Aedan. I'm also putting you on notice that there will probably start to be more blogs diverging from just "mom" stuff frankly because I'm struggling with juggling all of the hats that I seem to be wearing. I love all of them, the big floppy ones, little fancy ones and even my new black engineer hat. You know I'm not talking about real hats, right? I mean except for the last one. Anyway...stay tuned for some other rambling sorts of posts.

Back to the reason for this post. I never ever thought I'd try it. I thought it would be really gross but I went to Walgreens and bought myself a neti pot. It's the strangest little thing. I have all kinds of allergy crap and basically can't even breathe or smell anything 90% of the time. What's pretty bad for Aedan is that I can't smell when he's got a really dirty diaper. I guess that could be a good thing but not when the little boy is sitting in it.

I'm on an antibiotic as we speak because of a sinus infection that I usually get around this time. My sister suggested I try the neti pot. Apparently her friend swears by it. Then I found out a few of my friends used it - who knew? So, I looked into it a little further, watched these weird videos on YouTube. People make videos about just anything... even pouring water up their nose to wash the snot out. Weird.

The neti pot. It's a little plastic tea pot looking thing that you fill with warm water and salt solution. You tip your head and put the spout in your nostril and pour away. I was expecting globs of gook to pour out. It didn't. The water you pour in comes out the other side. Very strange. Sometimes it goes down your throat but that's when you know you're not tipped enough. When you're done you blow your nose. I didn't expect a miracle but holy crap I could breathe! It was almost like that fresh clean feeling when you brush your teeth in the morning. The neti pot is like a toothbrush for your nose! It's strangely magical. I'm doing it twice a day now and will see how I feel at the end of the week. The neti pot is my new favorite thing. Never thought I'd say that about something that cleans the snot out of your head. But then again, I'm a pretty simple girl.

Day Six

2009-03-27T10:45:00.000-07:00

We're on day six of ten on the super antibiotic and I think little boy is beginning to feel normal again. Pat and I on the other hand aren't there yet. We're tired, sleep deprived again. It's ok though because strange as it is you begin to figure out how to move along through the day in a zombie-like state when you've had days and days of no sleep. I've been told that this goes on for years. Well hooray for that! @$##!!!

The problem we're now finding is that Aedan's getting used to waking up a few times during the night, standing up in his crib (one of his latest tricks), going to end closest to his door and screaming at the top of his lungs...usually for me. I mean, Pat does get up to check on him and everything but he apparently only wants the boob. Come on boy! I'm not a 24-hour service station and you're almost 1! While he was really sick we of course were up with him, brought him into bed, I nursed him VERY frequently. But now, this little boy, has manipulated us into making a habit out of it.

Last night was our first night of trying to "break" him of the habit. We let him CIO which is heart breaking. I don't let it go on for too long b/c then I end up CIO. It worked last night. He was out in just a few minutes. The funny thing is that when he's standing in his crib and finally gives in to his tiredness, he doesn't know how to make his way to the other end and lie down. He basically collapses wherever he is. I went in to check on him after a few minutes of the best silence I've heard in days and there he was curled up in a little ball with his face planted in the side of the crib. After a little chuckle in my head I held my breath and placed him onto his back and stealthily escaped. He didn't wake up until 7:00 the next morning. Hurray! Another battle won.

Oh sleep how I love you. I guess you really don't know what ya got till it's gone.

Seems as though

2009-03-23T06:39:00.000-07:00

Little boy has his first ear infection. I thought he was just teething. He's still teething but now with an ear infection. This does not make for a happy boy. Also, symptom of the ear infection is runny nose which little boy rubs and then rubs his eyes. Next comes conjunctivitis in his eyes. That's really gross. Now he has yellow snot dripping from his nose and eyes and I'm chasing him around every couple of minutes trying to clean the boogers off of him. He wakes up in the morning with caked on boogers all over his face.

He's on a strong antibiotic that should clear everything up...in ten days. What?

Other than the gross fluid coming from everywhere he's ok, well, aside from not sleeping and at 4 am running around the living room like a lunatic. I think he's delirious. I don't think he's getting enough oxygen to his brain because he can't breathe.

I'm good with the 1

2009-03-20T10:38:00.001-07:00

Ever since Pat and I even thought about trying to get pregnant for little boy we had many talks about how many kid(s) we'd like to have. It was 1 for a long time. Then maybe 2. Then back to 1. Definitely never more than 2. Then little boy was born and we had our 1.

Occasionally Pat or I will say randomly that we'd like to go for two. Many of you have heard about our 2 year re-evaluate plan. When Aedan turns 2 we'll re-evaluate the whole sibling to-do or not to-do. If it's a to-do, then we're giving ourselves a year to get pregnant, then another 9 months to have the baby. That way, Aedan will only be about 3 1/2 years older and just about ready for Pre-K. Daycare expenses will not be an issue b/c Aedan will be in school.
If it's the not to-do then something surgical will occur to either Pat or I (but I really think he should do it since I had my abdomen sliced open once already). I've been pretty solid on the 1 for quite some time now. Every once in awhile Pat will put a wrench in that thinking.

Here are a few of his wrenching scenarios:
Little boy is acting all sweet, giving us gooey kisses and hugs, laughing at us hysterically, chasing the dog. Pat chimes in..."We should probably have just one more. This is so much fun! He is so much fun!" I say, "Maybe. Let's re-evaluate in 2 years."

I'm in the kitchen, Pat walks in and says,
"So I was thinking...once we're dead and gone little boy won't have any siblings to be with. He'll be all alone. That is so sad. We should probably have another baby so he can have a sibling close to his age." I say, "That is sad. But hopefully, he'll be married with kids of his own so he won't be lonely." And, "Let's not plan for our death too soon, ok?"

The scenario that changes it all:
I put little boy to bed at 7:30. He wakes up at 9:00 SCREAMING bloody murder. I can't console him. He's screaming at me! His teeth are throbbing, he has a runny nose and is drooling everywhere. I am sick myself and tired. My nose is running on him. Pat comes downstairs, tries to help. He can't help. No one can help. He's helpless. Pat goes back upstairs.

I don't know if little boy has spoiled us with his good sleeping habits but every time we go through a night like that the thought of having a number 2 isn't even a possibility. I refuse to entertain the thought. I can't imagine that the end of teething marks the end of sleepless nights. With each new stage there's got to be another reason not to sleep, right? So, how do you forget about the exhaustion, sleep deprivation, frustration, feelings of inadequacy, worry, and get to, LET'S DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN? I mean, the Dugger's on TLC did it like 18 times. WTH? That's lunacy! I just don't know that I have it in me. I mean, I give over 100% to the little human already. I think I might die if there were two of them and then...there would be two kids motherless! They'd be together but without a mother because I'd be dead. It goes back up to Pat's scenario about being alone without parents. "At least they'll have each other." ach!

(For today) I'm certain that 1 is good enough for us. I'm pretty sure I'm up for another bad night tonight so tomorrow my answer will be the same barring gooey kisses and snuggles in bed. Check back with me in a month or two (maybe by then his teeth will be in).

Disclaimer: this is all subject to change this afternoon, tomorrow or next week given I get proper sleep. I'm trying to work it out in my head.

duh

2009-03-20T09:03:00.001-07:00

I just added the "followers" widget on my blog. I became a follower of myself. Is that narcissistic?

Closing in on 1

2009-03-19T07:55:00.001-07:00

We're nearly there. Almost made it. Phew!

In just a few weeks little boy will be 1. I can't believe how this year has flown by. It's unimaginable how fast time travels. As much as I try to savor every milestone I can't seem to beat the clock. It is forever ticking away life's memories.

I think we can officially say that we are the parents of a toddler (right?) and are trying to adapt to all that toddlerhood brings with it. In our case these things are: consistantly chasing after the short human who loves to play in the toilet, cat and dog water bowl, yell in our faces and then run giggling away just because he can, throw fits of disdain when he's unsatisfied with our dinner menu, say yum-yum when dinner involves some sort of curry dish (weird, right?), and shower us with spontaneous hugs and kisses that neither of us can get enough of.

It's been the best year of our lives. Full of surprise and lessons in patience. I'm certain we do things that "experts" would turn their noses up at. But frankly, if we're able to create a human who loves his family and friends, who tries to do the "right" thing, and is kind, then I'm pretty sure we've done our job. Gosh I love this boy.

There's nothing worse

2009-02-25T17:53:00.000-08:00

than watching a baby throw-up. They look at you in terror, wondering what's going on and why you can't make it stop.

that's all i have to say about that. it was awful.

I'm addicted...

2009-02-04T10:10:00.001-08:00

to my breast pump! I just realized my addiction yesterday when the ac adaptor for the pump broke. The copper wiring became disconnected from the ac-part. I noticed it beginning to happen for a few days but held on to hope that it would make it for a little longer. It did not. Hope doesn't generally work for mechanical sorts of things.

I ran home yesterday quickly to pump because there was a repair man working on the bathroom at work. And with no private office with a door there was no where else to go, well, I guess I couldv'e gone into the closet but I have a little more respect then that. Geesh!

Here's how it went:

Hooked up bottles to pump

Plugged plug into wall

Sat on couch

de-shirted myself (sorry TMI)

assumed position

flipped power switch on pump

NOTHING

OH CRAP! (what came out of my mouth sort of kind of but not really that nice)

I became panicky, wondered how I was going to replace the thing, wondered how on earth I was going to relieve myself, wondered if I needed to quit nursing all together. Now, think of a drug addict - the same thoughts must go through their minds once the stash is gone, right? I wouldn't know of course but it's got to be similar.

I ended up calling the manufacturer and ordered a new adaptor but it will take 7 business days to get here. Panicky again! I wasn't sure what to do in the meantime. It had already been 5 hours since I last pumped.

This consumed me much of the day. I mean seriously, in the grand scheme of what should consume one's mind on a scale of seriousness, the pump issue should not have been number one. It was top priority yesterday and now I fear I am addicted. I mean, this is something that I've been doing for ten months now. I'm in a routine. The dread I used to feel about having to pump has subsided and now I've come to have a relationship with it. We meet-up three times a day for private sessions. Anywhere I go I'm sure to bring it with me. If I plan an outing I make sure that I build in time during the day for it. Now I'm being ridiculous. I just went from thinking I was an addict to thinking I'm in love with the pump.

I'm going to stop this for now because well, I have to go and pump with my less than adequate hand pump.

Constant Motion

2009-01-22T12:34:00.001-08:00

We've gone mobile...constantly. This boy is tiring me out and he's not even a year old. He's growing too fast, learning too much, spinning out of control. From one minute to the next I feel like I'm reintroducing myself to this little person because each day he is new and different and he's doing something I've never seen him do before. It's wildy wonderful but at the same time reminds me how darn fast time passes us by.

I want to soak every second up.
I want the naps we take next to each other to last longer.
I want each day of his life to be as wonderful as these past 270 ish days have been.
I want to always feel his little head on my shoulder when he's sleepy.
I want to see him and his dad playing on the floor even when he's 18.

I want time to slow down...just a little.

9 months old!

2009-01-09T06:19:00.000-08:00

When children turn 9 months do they all of a sudden go from baby to little person? It seems almost impossible that just last April this little being came out of my belly and is now toddling around. It really is amazing to see him exploring his little world while doing it so expertly.

We're finding though that instead of being able to sit on the couch gooing and gaaing all over Aedan we're now on the move! He has a little walker that he runs laps in through the kitchen, dining room, and living room chasing the dog and poking at the cat. He goes for everything. Has to touch everything.

I also kind of made the mistake of giving him a bell that "was" an ornament on the tree. I was taking down the tree one day and he heard the bell "ting." He turned around so fast at the sound that I had to give it to him. Minutes later he was making the rounds in his walker ringing the bell. It's a weird thing...it's now his favorite toy. All I have to do is ring it and he comes running! It's almost like the Pavlov experiment with the dog and salivation (all of you pychology students should remember). Now if I can only figure out how to use it in come constructive way. hmmm?

Last night at dinner sitting in his big boy high chair he just screamed. Not because he was mad, tired or hungry but because he found out that he has vocal cords - high pitch, low pitch, growling screams, and la la la's. And boy does he have vocal cords. I thought at one point he was going to shatter all of the glassware we have in the dining room. I turned to look at Pat and asked him where this kid came from because we're just not sure sometimes.

We have up and down issues with sleep. I've given in to the fact that "sometimes" he will be in bed with us. We try to keep it at the sometime level though. I still hold my breath every night when I put him down hoping that WE'LL make it to the next morning all snug in our OWN beds. Every day is an unexpected adventure of learning, laughter, love, and exhaustion. And each morning I'm ready to do it again.

A lesson from a friend that I'm trying to focus on was about drawing in blueberries and not worrying about the stains. Sometimes the stains we make in life are the best parts and the process to making those stains even better. I'm trying to get better at relaxing my sometimes neurotic self and allow this little boy to be the best stain-maker he can be instead of the stain-maker I'd like him to be. I think that's where a lot of parents get it wrong. We try so hard to do everything right that we miss the wrong turns in life that are supposed to have been there all along.

Happy new year everyone.

"Things I Love List"

2008-12-16T19:23:00.001-08:00

Everyone has lists. It might be on paper or just in your head. I've actually got tons of different lists: to-do lists, bucket lists, things I hate lists (that's a long one), shopping lists, etc. I was just thinking about my "things I love" list the other night when I was able to lay on the couch all snuggled up with a blanket doing absolutely nothing. It was about 10:00 p.m. and of course Aedan was asleep otherwise this would not be happening. I LOVE lounging on the couch. I forgot how much I missed it.

Here are some items on my love-list:
My Patty
Rain
My Couch
Coffee
Wine
Hanky Panky Underwear
Sweet Potato French Fries
Sitting by the lake at night
Any kind of frozen drink
Ice cream
Wearing new underwear
The smell of thanksgiving

Anyway, tonight Aedan had a tough time falling asleep. He screamed, I went up to check on him, picked him up and then ahhh....the new "things I love" came to me: nuzzles and sweet breath.

Nuzzle probably isn't a word but you know what it is once you've been nuzzled. There's nothing better than a warm little head in the crook of your neck. Nuzzling can be done with your partner I suppose but I'd be writing a different kind of blog if that's what I was talking about.

Soft skin, chubby cheeks, warmth. I've had 8 1/2 months of this nuzzling but never quite felt it like I did tonight. Aedan's at this magical age now where he's reacting to us. For lack of a better description he's not just laying there like a blob. He reaches up for us now and then of course pushes our hands away when he's had enough. He laughs at us, talks to us and rubs our face. He's also yelling at me more in an effort to make sure I know what he doesn't like. The nuzzling is the best and has a way of erasing any frustration, impatience or stress.

It's 10:49 p.m. now, Aedan is asleep so I think I'm going to go to #2 on my list. :-)

A Little Spill

2008-12-10T07:47:00.000-08:00

I've heard the stories, you've heard them and perhaps even experienced them. I was warned. I was careful and took precautions.

He still rolled off and terror filled my soul.

Sunday, as I was changing Aedan on his changing table that sits on his dresser about THREE FEET high, I dropped his diaper on the floor. What was once thought of as a quick act to bend down and grab the diaper only to find sweet smiling baby still securly sitting on the changing table is no more. On this particular Sunday, Aedan just had to peek over the side of the table to see what I was doing as I bent down THREE FEET below him. As good as he is at sitting up he wasn't able to fight gravity. He rolled off and I watched him do it in slow motion. I was frozen, unable to catch him mid-fall. It happened so fast as these things do. Luckily, his floor is carpeted. Luckily, he didn't hit his head on the dresser or any other sharp object. Luckily, he had a bunch of angels surrounding him.

I swooped him up tried to make him feel safe in my arms. I cannot begin to tell you how horrible I felt and still do. Pat came running in to see what happened. He wasn't able to ignore the loud BOOM he heard.

I still can't get over it. Aedan's fine and fully recovered. He doesn't exhibit any PTSD as a result. Pat said that he might end up in the slow class now. Whatever...he'll be the smartest kid in the slow class if that's the case!

Apparently I have a perfectionist quality about me as a mom that I'm really trying to deal with. This started before he was born. I wanted a natural birth (no meds), I ate right (most of the time), I did yoga almost until the day I delivered, I read EVERY book about pregnancy and birth, I took a hypnobirthing class, I did the belly cast, I started THIS blog, I breastfeed (yes, still), I make his own baby food, I read to him almost every night (and feel like a slacker when I don't), I take pictures of him all of the time, I talk to him A LOT because language-rich homes is a marker for school readiness, I'm going to water babies with him in January, and once he starts crawling we're going to this gymnastics place to play. What else? Surely there's something I'm missing. (I actually just went back in and added another item. See, there's always something else!).

I think the issue with me is that I'm putting EVERYTHING I have into this one little boy because honestly I'm not sure if we're going to have any more kids. I want him to be able to experience everything I and the world have to offer. I don't want to say, "Crap! I wish we did that with him!" I'm not sure if I'll get a chance for a do-over.

When he fell off the table I was first and foremost worried that he hurt himself. And now that it's been a couple of days all of my neurocies as a failed mother are coming up. When I'm not thinking like a crazy person I know I'm not a failure. It was an accident. I know that. He is ok. He knows I love him.

I'm learning so much about myself as a person and mother. He is teaching me so much about myself - sometimes they aren't lessons I'm prepared to deal with, i.e. obsessive-compulsive routines, patience, etc. I firmly believe people come in to our lives to teach us things about ourselves - good and bad. I am thankful every day for Aedan, for Pat, my family and for friends. I am a work in progress. Please bear with me. I am a work in progress. I am not perfect. I am a work in progress.

Constipation

2008-11-25T08:19:00.000-08:00

Lovely word isn't it? Even more lovelier is the feeling. I know you've all experienced it at some point but you probably don't want to admit it.

This past weekend Pat and I watched as little boy wriggled up his lips, turned apple red, and sometimes coame out with a quiet grunting sound. We watched him and he watched us each time. I'm guessing he was trying to say HELP through this expression and his eyes.

I turned to Pat looking to him for some advice. Afterall, (he'll hate that I'm saying this) a few of the Palmer's are known for having gastrointestinal issues so they should be experienced in trying to solve this problem.

We tried giving him nothing but pears, oatmeal cereal and beans for about two days. Then I read somewhere (ha!) that giving him water would help loosen things. Nice. I was prepared at each diaper change to see some kind of massive blowout. It never happened.

By Sunday evening I really couldn't stand by watching him look like he was in pain. I kept thinking that he's still eating normally and taking everything in but hardly anything was coming out...it must be "in there" somewhere backed up and waiting to come out! Off I went to Walgreens to see if I could find something.

I came home with infant suppositories.

Pat gave me a look that said he wasn't going to do it.

I pulled my big girl panties up and did what a grown up mom is supposed to do. There was something very awkward and icky about inserting the little glycerin tablet. This was I guess the first time I had to say to myself that it will only be uncomfortable for second and that the end result will be relief for the poor little man. I tried convincing myself of this but it didn't really work. I still felt crappy. (he he)

I expected him to scream. He didn't. He was a trooper and for some reason quickly feel asleep on my shoulder. I think he was tired from all of the work he'd been doing over the past couple of days.

When he woke up I changed his diaper and truly wanted to do a cheer for poop! There was poop, real poop. I've never been so excited over poop.

Another lesson learned in the world of motherhood. I'm apparently going to be "knee-deep" in it for a few more years.

nothing new....really.

2008-11-21T10:26:00.000-08:00

I figured that if I didn't post something soon I'd be hung up by my underwear.

I think I'm getting to that point mothers do when you throw your hands up, dump all of the theories, books and suggestions on how to raise your kid, and surrender to the little human being. I listen patiently as people give suggestions. I try not to roll my eyes. I try to not bark back and say whatever. I try to remember that I'm an adult. I try.

Surrending for me is new territory. I fight for the last word. I generally think my way is the right way. I'm pretty critical - although I tend to do this quietly so no one can see that side of me...well except for my mom and Pat but that's it. But for the most part I've tried to take in and try out the suggestions I get from people.

As we've been having the sleeping issues I've heard all kinds of suggestions. When I said Aedan was sleeping in our bed we heard most predomimantly, "Oh No! You'll never get him out." From our nurse home visitor I heard, "You either need to fight the sleeping battle now or fight it when he's two." I get that raised eyebrow look like they want to say something but they're not going to. What's with all of this battle language and fighting and end-of-the-world feeling?

I was thinking about the if you don't get him to sleep on his own in his own bed now you'll never get him out comment. Is there really truth to that? If it were the truth wouldn't there be like a gazillion 20 year olds still sleeping with their parents? That's just strange.

I'm not saying I love it that Aedan sleeps with us occassonally but there is some sweetness to it that I'd like to savor for a little while. And...as crazy as it sounds....when he does make it through a night I sort of wake up around 5 a.m. half-way hoping he'll start crying and want me to come get him so I can eat up the deliciousness of him that last hour before we start the day. We only have this time together for a short while. I figure as a mom to a boy child I really have a short period of time when all he wants is mom. As he gets older I'm certain he'll want dad most of the time. You know...for guy reasons. I'm just guessing that'll be the way it goes.

Maybe this is my way of saying that I think I'm really becoming a mom to my boy. I love all of the strong women and mothers around me and am so thankful for the support and experience they bring to my life. But, I guess I'm also saying that I think I'm finding my rhythm as a mother...even if the rhythm ain't sounding like Bach or Beethoven.

Peace out. I'm going to take a nap now because the boy is sleeping with me tonight! he he.

Oh Canada!

2008-11-08T10:50:00.000-08:00

Aedan, my mom and I embarked on his first International Trip. I was reminded that no matter the close proximty of Canada to the U.S. and the similarity of our people (except for the weird pronounciation of words with "ou" in them) we were crossing an international border - so said the grumpy border patrol lady.

I always get super nervous when crossing into Canada. Not because I'm smuggling any contraband or escaping anything. It's just very intimidating. This was my first time crossing with Aedan and I was pretty sure I had everything covered. My mom and I both had our passports, I copied Aedan's birth certificate. The one thing I didn't think to bring was a letter from Pat saying it was OK for me to bring Aedan with me to Canada. Who would've thought I needed to. Maybe this is my ignorance coupled with first-time momisms and not having traveled to another country with him. Anyway, I was promptly told that the next time I bring my son without his father across the border I will need to have a letter stating that it ok for me, his MOTHER, to bring MY SON, with me to Canada. Okay. I will.

Now I know this is a safety issue and there are plenty of crazy moms AND dads out there who steal their kids and escape to Canada (?). I'm happy for their sake that they have this order in place. But really, I couldn't help feel a little annoyed and bothered by the fact that they would request a letter. And really, couldn't I have just typed one up myself, signed Pat's name and been off to my refuge in Canada? Probably.

At any rate, we're in Montreal for a conference that I'm attending. My mom came with us thank goodness to care for Aedan while I'm in my workshops that are oh so interesting - about as interesting as community foundation workshops can be. (Yikes!).

I've learned more lessons about being a mom, juggling work, attending a conference knowing there's a cranky 7 month old 14 floors above, scheduling "mommy breaks" i.e. nursing and the dreaded pump.

Tomorrow we head back home where routine reigns instead of spontaneity. Is it weird for me to say I miss routine? I miss home. I miss the "way we do things" there.

Voting Booth

2008-11-05T10:33:00.000-08:00

I get VERY excited every time I have the chance to vote. Maybe it's the feminist in me knowing that if I didn't exercise my right I'd be spitting in the face of all the hard work and suffering that went in to giving me my right. I vote in every single election from Presidential to County Clerk (that one bewilders me). I love to pull the lever, close the curtain, carefully make sure I'm clicking the little bar for my candidate(s), double checking once again, and then finally making my selection.

Pat and I always vote together. It's a tradition. I was biting my nails all day because yesterday I had to wait until he got home from Binghamton to vote. He says I take way too long in the voting booth. Whatever.

Yesterday was HUGE in so many ways. Huge because this election will shape the country in the next four years into a more mature America and hopefully smarter America. It was also huge because I wasn't only voting for myself, Pat, our family or friends. I now have a son to think about and more importantly the shape of HIS future.

It's funny that I really didn't think of this when I got pregnant. Of course I knew that I'd be changed forever as a person but truly the task of motherhood is more than being responsible for the every day issues like food, shelter, love, education. Those are super important don't get me wrong. But yesterday and several days leading up to the election made me think of this responsibility in a whole new way. I have the power with my single vote to make a "change" that will affect HIS life.

I picked up Aedan at 4:45 p.m., drove to our voting location, met Pat in the parking lot, and made our way to Room 122 (it was in a school). I had a bounce in my step and was a little more giddy this time. Pat took Aedan into the booth with him to vote. I wanted to take a picture of them but I think it's illegal.

It was a lovely day and even lovlier evening! Hooray!
I explained the results to Aedan this morning. He just stared at me, sneezed a boogery sneeze and laughed. Pure joy!

I Hate It!

2008-10-28T08:57:00.001-07:00

I don't hate much but I do hate the pump. I love being able to juggle being a mom and working but I really hate the pumping.

Too much information - by the time friday rolls around and I've pumped 3-4 times a day for the past five days, my girl parts are ready for a weekend vacation if you know what I mean. I'm sorry family. This is probably more than you bargained for as you decided to check in on the Palmer's for an update on Aedan. It just makes me feel better to write about it then for the hatred to clutter up my brain.

I feel like my day revolves around the pump. "Look at the time! Oh it's time to pump." Or, "I can't possibly go to an all-day meeting, where will I pump?" "Oh crap! I'm not pumping enough!" The drama goes on and on...and it's not even good drama.

Ugh.

Please, Oh Please...

2008-10-24T06:15:00.001-07:00

just sleep! What went wrong. What are WE doing wrong that this little boy has chosen after 4 months of sleeping through the night to now wake up every hour. I'm tired. I'm irritable. I have blood shot eyes.

He giggles every time I go in to check on him. What do you do with that?

Long Time No Talkie

2008-10-15T17:05:00.000-07:00

Sorry to my readers out there. I just know there must be thousands of you (right!). Seriously though, I do apologize for not updating this as regularly as I should since I do have a few friends and family out there who do wonder how the Palmer's are and more importantly, Aedan.

So where are we at? Well, I'm sad to say that we're still in the throws of teething. It's bareable at least. He's not an angry little man anymore. He's mostly gnawing on anything he can get his hands on and generally just growling at me. That's a really strange thing actually. The person that he's around the most, who he relies on food for, who birthed him to say the least, is also the person he has a general distaste for in some of his worst days.

Now, I'm prone to exaggeration...those who know me best SHOULD realize that. Aedan is by far one of the easiest babies I've ever known. His worst days account for the occassional fussiness, going to bed a little later than 7:30 p.m. and waking up slightly before his regular 6:00 a.m. rising. "Give me a break" say most mothers! "You've got it easy!" We all have our crosses to bear.

Update on Aedan (sorry I rambled there a bit):

At 6 months old already...I can hardly believe it, Aedan has more personality than ever. We are now able to distinguish grumpy, sad, happy, giggly, silly, snuggly, sleepy, and hungry emotions. He's about 19 pounds and 28 inches long. At his last check-up we were happily notified that we weren't growing a gigantic baby. Seems as though his weight gain is evening out but he is a long boy.

Aedan has lots of ticklish spots...under his little butt cheeks, between the "Perry" thighs (all of you Perry's out there can relate), his neck when you can find it, and of course his little arm pits. Sitting up has become a sport so to speak. He does the "you're not going to make me lay down" kind of wretching with his little body and then just the opposite when the mood strikes.

A couple of weeks ago we visited Iron Kettle Pumpkin Farm. He was less than enthused.

He's now eating food - the homemade kind. I'm really not sure if this is going to work for him in the long run. All sorts of kids whose crazy granola eating moms have made their own baby food and still have grown wacked out kids who only eat chicken nuggets and candy bars. We'll see. So far he loves bananas, applesauce, pears, acorn squash and sweet potatoes. It's fun to watch the faces he makes with each new food group.

We're good, Aedan's happy and healthy, Pat and I are still married, and all is well. We're surviving this crazy road trip of life - for now anyway.

Teething

2008-09-05T05:58:00.000-07:00

It's a horrible thing that our sweet boy has to go through this. I can imagine the achiness of his little gums, the constant drooling, the runny nose, and raging diaper rash that seem to accompany this thing called teething. Mind you he's only 5 months so we don't expect to see any white sprouts yet but all of the drama happening now is foreshadowing what is yet to come.

Right along side him in his misery are his miserable, sleep deprived, frustrated, parents! Teething not only happens to babies but it's also happening to us! We spent last night every hour on the hour trying to figure out how to help and console this little boy. Nothing worked. As he arched his back every time I tried to rock or feed him I could feel my head starting to spin. He wrestled with us, kicked us, laughed at us... After about 4 hours of this I finally said enough is enough. I gave him Tylenol thinking this would hopefully knock him out.

It did not. I wanted to knock myself out.

Around 10:30 he finally began to drift. I said "phew" and tried to get some sleep myself. At 2:00, 4:00, and 5:00 the boy woke up. I think I need to give him twice the dosage of Tylenol next time. By 5:30 I knew my dreams of getting some sleep were over. They were over for Pat too.

Aedan came into bed with us, continued to wrestle, continued to giggle, continued to groan. I asked Pat if we could put him up for sale in our next garage sale. I think we'd get a better deal on ebay.

2008-08-28T18:42:00.000-07:00

I sit and think.

I have a lot of labels: daughter, sister, wife, friend, co-worker, peep, and now mother.

That last one makes me raise an eyebrow. How can it be? I always thought I was the girl who would never become a mom. I'm not sure why I ever thought that...I don't even think the thought originated from me. Maybe it was a perception.

I sit here as he's sleeping in his crib always with one ear listening for a cry or some other strange noise that would make me stop what I'm doing and check on him. Never have I been so attentive. Where did this new person come from?

I'm

Morphing

2008-08-18T06:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's happening really... my sweet angelic little boy has become a growling, whining, pitiful, snot-filled grump! Aedan caught his first cold over the weekend and I'm about ready to run away! This is me being dramatic of course.

As colds go, this one isn't too bad. He's got a stuffed up nose that makes it hard to breathe and there's no use using the pacifier to soothe him since he can't suck and breathe at the same time. Forget about sniffing...he hasn't learned that skill yet so I'm constantly attacking him with the booger sucker to at least give him a little relief.

There's no comfy place to lay him. He can't really lay on his back for any length of time because the snot pools up in his nose. I feel awful for him. Tylenol seems to be working but who knows really. He's still growling and looking at me like I did something to him.

I thought breastmilk was supposed to prevent these things from happening? Guess not.

Another Vacation Down

2008-08-11T06:57:00.001-07:00

Vacation! When you say it you get all excited for a weeks worth of play and relaxation. Before we left for North Carolina I was counting down the days until we left. Aedan and I went on our very first plane ride together. I was super excited and a little too arrogant to think that I'd be "just fine" doing it solo. Not so much.

This is how it began:

On our way to the airport I forgot the all important rescue bottle in the refridgerator. After a few swear words and making my mom nervous I turned around to get the bottle.
Airport arrival - went through security just fine but then was trying to hold Aedan and get my front pack on at the same time was ridiculous. I ended up putting Aedan in one of those bins that run through the x-ray machine so I could strap myself up.
Flying through Philli...can you say headache every time?? Our flight was delayed due to thunderstorms for an hour and a half. Here's me panicking with small breastfed baby thinking we wouldn't make our connection before he needed to eat again. Thank God I turned around to get the rescue bottle!
Arrived in Philly, grabbed a banana peanut butter smoothie and got to our gate. Holy explosion Aedan! This was the first of many bad belly diapers.
Getting on Plane to Raleigh: It's lovely that they allow parents with small children to board first. What's not so lovely is that the flight attendants don't help you once you get on. So really, the early get on board doesn't help at all. Picture this: Aedan is in my front pack, diaper bag is over my shoulder and I'm trying to load my carry-on into the overhead compartment. Did they shrink the compartments all of a sudden? Meanwhile, Aedan starts screaming and the mean flight attendant is staring at me from the front of the plane! Finally I said, "Can I get some help here?" She yelled back, "It's not going to fit up there!" No shit! (I didn't say that to her).
We're finally seated. Aedan has now gone almost 4 hours without food. He's such a good boy.
We arrive. Nice guy sitting next to me offers to carry my carry-on off the plane.
Walking by the mean flight attendant I said goodbye nicely, she barked, "Next time don't pack so much." Can you imagine what I wanted to say back? Ok, just imagine.
I see Pat and Carrick. They met us at the airport to bring us to Bernie and Steven's. Safe at last. Phew!

It sounds worse than it was. We survived and surprisingly I'll probably do it again. Aedan was a trooper.

We had a great time in NC. The weather was beautiful. Aedan had a bad belly for a day when we got to Wilmington. It's was a whole days worth of Montezumas revenge in his diaper! We attempted to got to the beach with him one day. Pat dipped his little toes into the warm ocean water. He was ready for a nap but then had a major meltdown. The sun was too bright for his little eyes. So then I had a meltdown because I couldn't figure out what was wrong. Pat rescued he and I and took Aedan back to the house. I had a good couple of hours on the beach alone. That was lovely. Thanks Patrick!

Back to the meaning of vacation. It's different now. I knew it would be. Pre-baby equaled being carefree, drinking beachy cocktails whenever I wanted, galavanting off into the ocean anytime I wanted to, and being outside. Post-baby equals staying inside most of the time, missing my beachy cocktails throughout the day, waiting until after 7:30 to finally have one, and getting irritated at husband (the majority of the time) for being able to galavant instead of me.

Life is different now. I'm adjusting to it slowly but seem to be grumbling about it quite often. Don't get me wrong...I love Aedan to pieces and I would never want things to go back to the way they were without him. It's just different and much harder.

High Chair Woes

2008-07-31T09:32:00.001-07:00

We know the boy is too little for a high chair. He's not even eating solids. There's simply no need for the high chair.

Pat put him in his big boy chair so he could sit watching us cook in the kitchen. Lovely idea.

Then a swell of emotion came over me. I've been feeling it a lot actually this last week every time he learns or does something completely unexpected or new. As a parent you of course want these things to happen. It's exciting, amazing, nothing like I've ever experienced.

But I was almost pleading with Pat to get him out. He wasn't flopping over like a limp piece of lettuce and he was clearly safe and secure. Pat did not see it but I cried a little. This beautiful little gift that God has given us is getting bigger, stronger and learning more and more every day.

He's ready to grow. I am not.

First Vacation

2008-07-30T10:27:00.000-07:00

Well, we've returned safely and sane from our first vacation away from home.

Last weekend, Aedan, my mom and I drove to Rockport, MA to visit my Uncle Summy and Aunt Sharon. Everyone told me that this is the best and easiest age for kids to travel. I'm happy to say they were right! Aedan was fantastic. On the way to Rockport Aedan slept nearly the entire way and we stopped only twice for him to eat. I was actually a little worried about him sleeping so much and a few times zoned in on his chest to make sure he was still breathing! I'm happy to say that he's still alive.

Lots of "firsts" happened on this trip. First time his little toes felt sand, first time his nose smelled the sometimes stinky sea air, first time he felt the crashing waves, first time he heard the cawing seagulls and sandpipers, first time an enormous black-backed seagull tried to eat him, and a sad first time...first time he was away from his daddy :-( This was definatly much harder on Pat than Aedan. But Aedan gave his dad one of his I'm-the-cutest-kid-on-earth-AND-I-love-my-daddy kind of smiles as soon as we came in the door.

Aunt Sharon and Uncle Summy's house is a beautiful old place built sometime around 1900. Famous folk such as FDR and Betty Davis were claimed to have stayed in the house long before the Burr Family owned it. Subsequently, the first night I swore I saw the ghosts of both of those famous folks and the infamous "Lady in the White Dress" who seems to haunt every old home. I had visions of Betty Davis tickling Aedan's toes as he slept in his crib at the foot of my bed. The spooking I felt was all too much for me so I scooped Aedan up and he slept with me for the night! It goes against every safety rule I stand for but I did it anyway. Aedan was my protector that night!

We had a really great time going to the beach and visiting Bear Skin Neck. Aunt Sharon was a fantastic tour guide. We're so thankful to them for showing us such a great time. Aedan purchased his first Red Sox gear much to his dad's dismay. I told him that once the Orioles grow up and start winning some games consistently then perhaps we can get him an Orioles keychain or something :-)

Aedan will be vacationing again this weekend. This time it will be all of us: Pat, Carrick, Aedan and I. We're going to visit Bernie and Steven in North Carolina. Big Brother Carrick and dad will be driving down friday-saturday. Aedan will be taking his first flight on Saturday with me. For only being 3 1/2 months old this boy is learning to travel and getting pretty good at it!

Rolling Over, High Pitch Squeels and Laughter Oh My!

2008-07-20T09:01:00.001-07:00

Aedan is going to grow. It's a fact that I have to deal with. I was hoping (unrealistically) that he would stay little for forever! It's not happening which is a good thing medically speaking.

He's now rolling over onto his side. He hasn't quite figured out how to roll onto his stomach yet but I don't think he's interested in taking that step. He's pretty happy rolling onto one side and looking at himself in the mirror in his crib. This morning I noticed that he also likes to put his feet on his mirror which now needs to be cleaned of slobber soaked handprints and footprints.

Squeeling at the top of his lungs has become the norm. He tries to outdo each one by scrunching up his face and squinting his eyes as tight as possible to see how loud he can get. He makes us laugh every time he does it EXCEPT when all of a sudden the clock stikes 7:30 p.m. and the happy squeel becomes an ear piercing scream! We've started calling it the witching hour because in a matter of seconds he goes from sweet, calm Aedan to this irrational monster who acts like he hasn't been fed or slept for days. Forget about consolling him. He's only thinking about two things at this point: boob and bed!

Things are settling in at the Palmer house. I hesitate to say we're in a groove since we never know what tomorrow will bring. But I think in most cases we're pretty good at figuring out what he needs. Aedan might have a different opinion. I'm certain he'll have to go to therapy at some point in his life and will tell his psychologist that his parents completely ruined his life. Upon graduating from high school I'll be sure to give him a gift certificate for 3 free sessions with a therepist "on us."

The Race Is On!

2008-07-02T10:50:00.000-07:00

Pat asked my the other day how pumping at work was going. It's not the typical question you get. Examples of typical questions may include:

How was your day today honey?
Did you feed the dog?
What's for dinner?
What do you want to do this weekend?

Not typical: How is pumping going.

This question among others are actually starting to find there way on the more typical list.

Another question he asked was, "What do you do in the bathroom while pumping?" First of all...why so many questions about the pump? Second of all...how do you expect me to do anything but sit and stare at the two suction cups I'm holding? Perhaps if I had another hand I could actually multi-task my way into doing something else while I'm strapped to an electical outlet!

That conversation got me to thinking about what I'm actually thinking about when I pump. In an effort to do something other than sit on the toilet and stare I've decided to make a race out of it.

Here's how it goes. Let's see which bottle, L or R, can fill up the quickest. L seems to always be more plentiful than R. Why is that? What I can I do to help the moral of R so she's not always lagging behind slowly making L wait until R's caught up. Is there something mechanically wrong with me that one is more productive than the other? Drink more water, eat granola, supplement with Fenelgeek (some herb that sounds too scary to consume) are the general prescriptions for increasing supply. Ok...I'll try drinking more water and eat granola for breakfast. Tomorrow is another day. The race is on!

This is what I've become.

Back to work full time sucks already

2008-07-01T05:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my first day back to work full time. This means I'm working a full day of 8:30-4:30. For those of you who know what I do and where I work you're probably thinking, "Come on Sara...it's really not that hard." In reality, the work isn't difficult and I am only a mere 5 minutes from where Aedan spends his day but...

But I am his Mom and he is my boy and I miss him terribly. Yesterday oddly wasn't too bad. This morning however was painful. Aedan woke up a little grumpy and didn't give me his usual cascade of gurgled laughs. Has he forgotten that I'm his mother already? Does he think that I am the babysitter? The guilt I've already been feeling from going back to work has slammed into me once again.

So I sit here counting down the hours until I can pick him up.

Aedan is still as beautiful as ever. I've told Pat that I think of him as our christmas present - each morning I walk into his nursery is like christmas with a perfectly wrapped (and sometimes smelly) little package that it just for us to enjoy.

2 Months Came and Went!

2008-06-03T18:41:00.001-07:00

It's hard to believe that Aedan has been with us for a full 2 months now. Even harder to believe is that he hasn't told us yet that he'd like to go back to where he came from. I'm assuming he'll reserve that kind of talk for his teenage years.

So what's new you might ask since I've slacked in keeping this blog updated. Last week we started to get some real laughter. Not the "I'm gasey" kind of laughter but the "Mom and Dad you're both wacko" kind of laughter. It's more of an uncertain kind of noise. I think he truly is trying to laugh but isn't quite sure of what to think of the sound coming out of him. It's sort of like a stuttered laugh. If it's all the same, I absolutely think it might be the best sound I've ever heard. Smiles are quite regular. We've mastered them already. And yes, just like every new mom I do think our kid is a genious!

On the scale we tipped it about 2 weeks ago at 12 pounds 11 ounces. I'm certain that since 2 weeks have passed our anxious eater is probably over 13 pounds. Oy vey! I asked the pediatrician if he was eating too much and gaining too quickly. Heaven forbid, I wouldn't want to contribute to America's staggering fatty problem. Good thing is that as much as he's gaining in girth, he's also gaining in height (24 1/2").

In other news, my maternity leave has officially ended (boo hiss). I returned to work yesterday filled with excitement that my Mommy Mush brain wold finally begin to function normally and I would once again be able to complete a sentence. Upon dropping Aedan off at daycare and heading off to work I felt like a neglectful and selfish mother. Now I'm a feminist (didn't you know???). I'm sooo OK with women working and raising children. But I found myself all of a sudden feeling really crappy about not being able (or really wanting) to stay home with Aedan. Ach! I really thought all of the hormonal craziness would be over once the baby came out!

Did I mention that I only worked for 3.5 hours? Yes, I am a head case. But I've fallen for a little man of only 24 1/2" tall. Can you blame me for being a little crazy?

One Month

2008-05-02T06:14:00.001-07:00

I can't believe that four weeks have already gone by. It happened so fast - maybe it's my lack of sleep that's making time go by so quickly.

Aedan is changing everyday and I'm not just talking about the weight gain although it has been substantial. As of last wednesday, he's up to 11.3! The boy loves to eat! I'm starting to have a hard time keeping up with his aggressive eating habits.

He's starting to smile randomly that I believe is not gas related but more about making fun of his mom and dad! The boy makes some of the craziest noises I've ever heard. Beyond normal cooing sounds that you expect infants to do he belts out some earthy grunts that make me wonder if he might be part animal or something! I still haven't figured out what each grunt symbolically means...sometimes it's hunger, wet diaper or just a new kind of past time that he really enjoys doing.

Life is still wonderful with the new man. I tell myself each day that there really is no reason to be sad, upset, fearful or mad about anything these days. I have Aedan to look at and that is plenty reason enough for me to smile.

I'm a BIG BOY!

2008-04-17T16:25:00.000-07:00

We went to our first official pediatrician appointment today. Sadly, daddy had to work but we actually survived the visit. Lucky for us it was a visit without any vaccinations! That would've been too much for me to handle.

Aedan is ranking in the 95th percentile for height and weight! He now weighs 9 lbs 8 oz and is 21 1/2 inches long. Any fear I had about him missing out on our daily intake of banana and peanut butter while in utero has faded. Apparently he's doing quite well on his own.

It's been a fantastic 2 weeks! Today is his 2 week birthday and we've had a couple of new firsts:

- He grunts ALL of the time like a little old man and snorts like his momma

- He's beginning to realize he has hands and feet and is flailing them like a wild person - we're working on the control thing

- He knows his mother is a sucker when he cries

- We're not really a fan of tummy time

So all is well in baby world. We're still adjusting to our new life together. We're also still being pooped and pee'd on occassionally. I haven't quite gotten the hang of the "boyness" of him but I'm certain it will come.

Happy One Week Birthday!

2008-04-12T15:42:00.000-07:00

We successfully made it through the first week and Aedan doesn't hate us yet.

It's been rather quiet. We've had friends and family stop by to check on the little guy and to make sure Pat and I are still sane which we're proud to say we are. At least we're as sane as the both of us were prior to Aedan.

We've experienced our share of diaper change disasters ranging from him peeing on himself, on the bed, on us, in the eye and in his mouth and then to me thinking I can run quickly downstairs with naked baby in hand to grab some butt paste and not have any accidents. While going downstairs I was bathed with pee and poo. Not a day goes by without learning some kind of very important lesson. We're both a little traumatized by our changing mishaps.

We've also learned a few more tidbits about him:
1. He hates his sponge bath and squeels when the warm wash cloth touches him
2. He's also not a big fan of the diaper change. We don't know if it's because we're awful at it or if he just plain doesn't like them.
3. Butt paste works like magic on red hineys and apparently on chapped lips as well so says the cashier at Burlington Coat Factory.
4. He's very smart and is already following voices.
5. He promised Pat that when he grows up he will be a CEO of a major corporation and be able to buy him tickets to the Masters.

Aedan is still sleeping really well through the night. He wakes up only twice for feedings letting mom and dad get roughly 6 hours of sleep. Not too bad.

I went to the doc on friday to check my incision. All is well and I'm healing properly. I was given clearance to drive and walk around the block instead of just up and down the driveway. Oh, the simple pleasures in life!

I'm happy to report that Aedan seems to like us and might be happy with his parental selection. It's still hard to believe he's here with us and is already one week old! I can't imagine how fast the next days, weeks and years will come.

We're Home!

2008-04-08T15:08:00.000-07:00

We were allowed to come home from the hospital Sunday. I can't believe they actually let us keep this little guy. I kept waiting for "his parents" to come and take him away from me and say, "thanks for baby sitting." It never happened thank God.

The past three days have really (knock on wood) gone pretty smooth. This is all subject to change of course but I think for the most part we're pretty lucky to have had such a good start. We might actually be entitled to some smoothness considering the last few months of pregnancy became a little rocky to say the least.

Aedan is sleeping well through the night. We've only had to get up two-three times for feedings or to ease a nervous momma's mind that he's ok in his big boy bed. I don't think the nervous feeling will really ever leave even when he's 32 years old and about to have his own children.

Today was our first pediatrician appointment and he's almost back to his birthweight! We left the hospital with him weighing 8.4 - he had lost 10 ounces. Now, he's back up to 8.12 with only 2 more ounces to go. Apparently even outside of my belly I'm still able to feed him quite well!!

Pat's been wonderful and amazes me every day with how great he is with Aedan. I never doubted it but it's still a really great thing to see just when you thought you've seen it all.

I can't even begin to tell you...

2008-04-05T04:47:00.000-07:00

These past couple of weeks have been like a whirlwind. From our ever-changing dues date to going into what I thought was active labor and then finally having to have a c-section - It's been enough to make all of us a little crazy. But he's finally here and it's been one of the most amazing experiences of our lifetime!

I went into labor early tuesday morning around 4 a.m. Later that day we had a pre c-section appt. at 11:30. I wasn't sure if I'd make it or not but we did. Contractions in my mind were pretty hard and coming every 3-5 minutes at that point. Our OB gave us the choice of going home or straight to labor and delivery. We chose to go home and try and stick it out as long as possible. I made it to about midnight when the contractions became a little too hard for me to handle. Our midwife suggested that we go and be given some pain medication so at least I could sleep. I hadn't slept since before 4 am early that day. I think they should've given Pat some pain meds too since the chair they provided him with was awful.

Midwife came in at about 6:30 am wednesday morning to check me. After about 24 hours of what I thought was pretty intense labor, Aedan actually decided to move North instead of South! Still no progression. They said this could go on for about 2-3 days since it was still very early labor. No thank you! C-section is still scheduled!

They came in to prep me at about 2 pm for the c-section. I don't think I've ever been so scared about anything in my life. I'm so thankful to have had Pat with me - his humor and sarcasm are traits of his personality that really helped me make it through coupled with the faith, love and security that I always feel from him. My mom and mother-in law were also with us which certainly gave us both a feeling of peace.

I was brought into the to the room where the surgery would take place. Again, I was scared out of my mind and my legs were shaking nervously. The hospital staff were all wonderful and reassuring that everything would be OK. Music was playing on the sound system - I think I remember it being a Billy Joel song and some other classic rock favorites - the perfect soundtrack for Aedan to have come into this world by in our opinion.

At about 3:11 pm I saw the Dr. pull Aedan out of my belly. It was a surreal experience. I don't think I said anything but a swell of new mommy emotion swept over me. He was beautiful even with all of the stomach gunk on him. His feet are ginormous (thanks Pat) and his fingers are really long. He's either going to be made for speed or become one of the great piano players of our time!

They did all of the medical checks on him and cleaned him up. Pat was able to hold him right away. I was still spread out on the table so it would be a few minutes before I could hold him.

He's more than we ever imagined. This was definitly worth all of the impatient waiting and frustrating moments Pat and I have gone through to finally have this handsome boy with us. He is an amazing gift from God and we are so blessed to have him in our lives.

We send you our deepest apologies Aedan

2008-03-27T08:59:00.001-07:00

Ok so....Pat and I are already messing with this kid. It was my one fear that I would somehow cause this child to become disturbed and now it seems it's becoming a reality. However, I cannot alone take the credit.

We had a dr. appointment this morning hoping for some news that the eviction notice we administered yesterday would be upheld and we would soon be able to meet this little guy who has been doing summersaults for the past couple of months inside my belly. It seems that is unlikely - at least for the short term.

Somehow, and don't ask me how, we have had his due date wrong all along. During the appointment Pat made a comment about yesterday being Aedan's due date. The doctor looked through the chart and said, "We have you down as being due April 1st." Pat and looked at each other in astonishment. How could this happen? Did we make up March 26th? Is there any significance to that date that we would just choose it randomly? The doctor said we've apparently had several different dates ranging from March 15th through March 29th and now April 1st. We specifically remember March 15, March 29th and March 26. But April 1st? There was NEVER any mention of that!

It's not like April 1st is that far off from the other dates we've been given so there's no need to worry. But now, I feel horrible for trying to rush the little one into coming early or at least on the 26th when the 26th apparently was a figment of his parent's imagination! What are we setting this kid up for later in life? Poor guy. I really feel for him!

This is for Aedan: Your eviction notice is herewith withdrawn. Massive amounts of apologies for trying to kick you out are directed your way. You now have an extension on your rent for another 6 days. Enjoy it while you can buddy!

Aedan's Eviction Notice on D-Day

2008-03-26T06:53:00.000-07:00

There is officially no more room in the inn! We have issued Aedan his two-day eviction notice but at this point he doesn't seem to be listening. I think this is the beginning of an 18 year stand-off of stubborness.

His hesitancy to come into the world could also be a demonstration of other more positive personality traits. For example, he could be showing his strength of character, willingness to persevere and his resistance to peer or parent pressure. Blah, Blah, Blah I say! He'll have plenty of time to show us these personality traits! Enough with the stand-off already!

Pat and I have tried coaxing, assuring him that he will have all of the creature comforts he's been accustomed to inside the womb, i.e. lots of food, sleep, and love. We've tried pleading with him. I've even stooped so far down as to bribe with money, toys, vacations and a life without chores but nothing seems to be working. I've tried to explain that even though his Mom and Dad seem outrageously crazy at times that we're really Ok people that is once you get to know us.

So we wait... but the eviction notice still stands.

Update on Aedan's Progress

2008-03-22T16:39:00.000-07:00

I had an appointment yesterday hoping to find out some good news about when this little guy will finally be making an appearance - something he apparently is not wanting to do.

Midwife was a little concerned since I'm already measuring 41 weeks! She snuck my in for an ultrasound which revealed that he is weighing in at about 8 lbs 8 ounces! If you could have seen me when she told me the news you probably would've noticed my eyes bulging out of their sockets and wondering how on earth I am going to survive giving birth to such a large baby - and that he might look like he's two years old already by the time he arrives!

They're choosing not to induce just yet which I'm a little hesitant about doing anway. Maybe something will happen in the next couple of days. Pray that his growth doesn't reach the 10# mark and doesn't cause his mama too much pain. Ouch!

In any case, it's back to the doctor next thursday. My due date is wednesday. Cross your fingers that he comes then or before.

This is Insanity

2008-03-09T19:35:00.000-07:00

I should preface this by informing everyone that this is Pat typing so, today rather than a rant from Sara your going to get one from me. What am I ranting about you may ask, what is insane? It's kind of ironic that what I think is insane, what I want to rant about is this blog! It's not the blog itself that bothers me, but the idea that for me to really care, really be excited about the arrival of my son I must pour out all my thoughts and emotions to all of you. Doing this may be important to Sara, I respect that, it may indicate something to all of you who read these things, but to me it's not important. I have chosen to channel my excitement into remodeling the nursery, putting together high chairs, swings, strollers, searching the internet for weeks to decide which is the safest and most comfortable car seat for Aedan to travel in. For some reason these things are not enough for me to indicate my excitement. I'm also anxious and nervous and worried about whether or not we will be good parents; I don't wear that on my sleeve either. See, the thing is, I'm a private person, I choose to keep my thoughts mostly to myself, I don't think its anyone's business what I think, and it upsets me that I need to "blog" for my wife to know I care.

It is, to me, drastically inaccurate for anyone who blogs to think that anyone cares about what you think, or is really that interested in your life. I will, when Aedan is born, post pictures on here for everyone to see, especially those friends and family of ours who are not local. I am not, however, so egotistical to think you want to know my thoughts about any of this. Updates, pictures, they're fine, but I dont need to know any of your thoughts on life or anything else so I wont spill mine to you!

Everday I think about what our son will look like, think about holding him, feeding him, teaching him what I know, how to swing a golf club (not like me), I could go on forever. Most of all I pray, I pray that he will be healthy, happy, succesful, that he will never have to know pain, fear, that this world doesn't continue to rip itself apart. If this is what the world has come to, writing in blogs for all to see, if this is what reveals to people that I care, then I need to pray alot more, because we have reached a point of no return and have become even more shameful of a society than I care for my son to be raised in!

Giddiness!

2008-03-03T08:21:00.000-08:00

As predictable and calm as I am, I find myself giddy with excitement. It's a quiet excitement mostly contained inside my head. But last night after eating a yummy turkey sub with hot peppers (which I think Aedan also enjoyed - or maybe that was just gas?) Aedan was moving uncontrollably! You could see body parts bouncing up and down and as he was doing his acrobatics I found myself actually imagining what it's going to be like when he finally arrives!

I know...I've had over 8 months to be imagining this which I have in a casual sort of way. I know that he has to come out eventually and that our casual lifestyle will suddenly be flipped upside down with middle of the night feedings, constant diaper changing and thinking of not only ourselves but now including a little one's needs and wants to the mix. I haven't really freaked about this yet...I'm sure it will happen at some point.

But it was last night and now spilling into today that I really cannot wait until he gets here. I can't wait to see what and who he looks like more. I can't wait to have that baby smell (no matter how good or bad) around me 24 hours a day. I can't wait to be so exhausted and at the same time overwhelmed - feelings I would generally suffer through but because they're put upon me by someone I had a part in creating makes it all worth it. I can't wait to say "my son" or that "I'm Aedan's mommy" or later in life "AEDAN MCLEAN!!!!! YOU ARE BEHAVING JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER SO KNOCK IT OFF!" I can't wait...I can't wait...

I'm thrilled, excited, happy, ecstatic, joyful, overflowing and giddy - even if it's quietly held inside.

Grocery Carts

2008-03-02T13:01:00.000-08:00

This is officially a rant. A short rant.

Not that I expect the seas to part as I walk through the store but come on people. It was about a week ago that I really felt like I was a moving target for all things coming my way. Now I realize I'm not really a target at all...people are simply oblivious to the fact that I'm nearly nine months pregnant. Maybe I shouldn't feel upset by this because they show the same inconsideration to 90 year old men and women.

I was nearly side-swiped ten times in the grocery store by renegade shopping carts. When will it ever end?

Patrick: Please Post a Blog!

2008-02-25T08:56:00.000-08:00

I am certain that Pat has his own feelings about this pregnancy of "OURS." Please request that he post something by commenting where it says, "add comment."

Scary Speeding Cars

2008-02-20T07:50:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't say that I am a fearful person in general. When I was younger I would jump at the chance to bungee, climb water falls, touch bugs, get a new tattoo or piercing, and of course some other not-so-smart teenage activities I regret participating in. In any case, you get what I mean.

As I've grown older some of those more risk taking adventures are beginning to make me cringe. I'm not as daring as I once used to be or sometimes still think I am inside my head. And this babe in my belly has definitly thrown a wrench in my adventure seeking nature! Don't get me wrong, I'm not begrudging the fact that I'm limited in what I can do now, it's just a really strange feeling.

I'm becoming, before Aedan has even been born, a barrier between the scary world and him.

But one thing that I guess people think are barriers has always annoyed me. (I apologize if anyone reading this has actually used what I am about to make fun of.) You know those "Baby on Board" signs you see overly protective parents displaying in their car windows? Like a mere sign will protect the precious little one on board from a car zooming at 100 MPH! It's too late once they can actually read what the small print says. The signs are pretty stupid. Is everyone else free for all if you don't have a baby on board?

Over the past few days however I've been feeling like I really need some sort of signage. It wouldn't be a small yellow sign but would look more like thick, yellow caution tape wrapped all around my car and my body for that matter. I've noticed that I cringe every time a car whips around a corner or when I'm being tailgated by some crazy person. Just this morning as I was walking through the car garage to my office another car zoomed at me like my belly was a target! I find myself saying things (out loud!) like, "Can you not see the belly?" or, "Hello, I'm pregnant, jack@$$!"

If anyone knows of a place I can get some caution tape please let me know. Thanks :-)

Time Is Standing Still.

2008-02-14T10:29:00.000-08:00

This is not a rant a complaint but rather an self-proclaimed observation.

You get to a point in pregnancy when there really isn't much left to do but sit and wait. You're waiting for that magical day to happen when all of a sudden you lose your mucus plug (ick! even the word sounds gross!), your water breaks or you begin having contractions. Each of these "events" don't sound like much fun but they do however signify a powerful moment when the pregnancy journey is about to end. Phew!

The nursery is complete - props to Patrick for all of HIS hard work, baby shower thrown, Aedan has enough clothes, diapers and wipes to get him through at least the first week, I've taken my birthing class, am practicing my breathing, and Pat has promised to work on my ipod playlist of soothing sounds that of course will not include any old school LL Cool J or Rob Zombie surprises as motivation to get me through the last stage of birth.

We're now just about 34 weeks in and all I have to do is sit, think and imagine what my life will be like in 6 weeks, give or take. For any of you that really know me, I am no good at waiting. I might very well be one of the most impatient people you know. However, I am able to hide this truth very well but if you were inside of my brain you'd hear a very different story. I'm not proud of it.

Maybe this is God's way of teaching me the art of patience? If he is, I am not a very good student.

No More Rants...

2008-02-11T09:08:00.000-08:00

I was brought back to earth by Patrick a few days ago in his oh-so-gentle way of telling me that I've seemed miserable this entire pregnancy. I didn't want nor did I expect to hear that. It really upset me. But sometimes people are able to shed light on our behaviors and attitudes that we aren't able to see through our own rose-colored lens.

P.S. If you ever need someone to do that for you, Pat is your guy!

Anyway, this got me to thinking that when I'm asked how I'm feeling or even if they don't ask I generally focus on my ailments first rather than the really great things I feel. For example, it's great to feel Aedan move around every time I eat bananas and peanut butter. It's not so great to feel the sciatica pain but I've been focusing on the pain. So rather than speaking of negatives I'm only going to talk about the wonderful things I've learned to love.

Here's my list so far:

The attention. I love attention (just ask Pat!) and my growing belly has given me a bounty of it.

Wiggles (not the Australian type). Big, giant, body moving wiggles that I now get the pleasure of feeling around the clock.

Weird bodily functions. I don't have to make up a reason for them...I simply say, "I'm pregnant, what do you expect?"

Shopping! I can buys lots of really cool stuff for myself and Aedan without one single ounce of guilt. Oh - shoe shopping specifically! My feet are growing therefore I need new shoes!

Baths! Nightly I can soak myself again without the guilt of feeling like I should be doing something more productive!

Naps. The baby needs his rest!

Forgetfullness. I've had an 8 month excuse for forgetting EVERYTHING. It's been blissful. You simply cannot yell at a pregnant woman for forgetting stuff - she's got way more on her mind.

The most important aspect of my Pat-induced realization is that I feel like I've been short-changing Aedan which is so not fair. He needs to know how excited his mom and dad are to see his sweet face and that all of the aches and pains I've experienced and subsequently made Pat experience has been well worth it. He needs to know that yes, his mom is crazy and prone to breaks in sanity but above all else, she has lots and lots of love to give her little one.

Doctors are Devils

2008-02-05T12:07:00.000-08:00

Early on I was impressed by the compassion and time that the various OB's and midwives took with me. Having never been pregnant before they really met the expectations or lack there of that I had. As I've been cycling through the providers in the practice my non-existant expectations suddenly became very high and then in two different vists were shattered.

Pregnancy is a weird thing. You go from knowing your pregnant but not really because you're not showing yet to all of a sudden feeling very pregnant and the growth on your front side being the focus of EVERYONE's attention. The same is true with my progression at the OB. You go from nonchalant visits to all of a sudden, HOLY CRAP you've gained 10 pounds in 4 weeks and that will increase your chances of a c-section and OH MY you'll probably be in pain so you'll definitly want to consent to an epidural that, by the way, you could DIE from.

What ever happened to treating pregnant women as cherished vessels and not contributing to their already poor body image most likely damaged by images of malnutritioned models?

I want to be a cherished vessel. Don't tell me I've gained too much weight! Do you think I haven't seen my arse growing in the mirror? Do you really think that I think I should have eaten that entire package of cashew nougat archway cookies over christmas? I'm pregnant and I get hungry. So please, medical people... Get off my arse. Be nice to me. Let me eat. Answer my questions without judgement and for the love of pete don't tell me about pain.

Aches and Pains Oh My!

2008-01-30T11:19:00.000-08:00

And I'm not talking about Pat either. This week has been full of new feelings - and not the good kind. I was warned that this would start happening sooner or later and that my so far blissful pregnancy filled with not too many complaints (excluding my sometimes normal irrational rantings) would shortly come to an end. I am seriously starting to feel like a geriatric patient who just had hip replacement surgery.

Who ever heard of hip joints that suddenly go out of socket and make it extremely difficult to walk or the pain in my back that won't go away no matter how many times I reposition the damn body pillow that I've now developed a love-hate relationship with. Or the fact that I can no longer shave my legs or other nether regions without becoming breathless just at the shear thought of it.

Really, I shouldn't complain. I should have known this would be coming. But I didn't so now I have many, many more things on my list of complaints that I get to drive Pat absolutely crazy with.

Dr.'s appointment is tomorrow. Stay tuned.

7 months down, 2 to go....OY VEY!

2008-01-23T11:48:00.000-08:00

We're starting this a little late in the game but since viewing my girlfriends blog I've all of a sudden developed a burning desire to start our own. So, even though we're 7 months into this wonderful, crazy and scary adventure, I hope to be updating this pretty regularly so that all of our friends and relatives living far and wide can stay up-to-date on Aedan's progress.